Overlap
by honeyandvodka
Summary: Beckett remembers wearing her Dress Blues at Roy's funeral. She remembers standing on the podium, and she remembers everything just going black. She doesn't remember the gun shot. Or anything else. What happens when Castle and Beckett have one less lie standing in their way? A season 4 AU, canon until 3.24 Knockout. 2013 Ficathon Entry.
1. Strength in the differences between us

**I search your profile for a translation**

**I study the conversation like a map**

'**cause I know there is strength in the differences between us**

**and I know there is comfort where we overlap**

* * *

"_Kate, shh… Kate. Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay?"_

Kate Beckett is looking up at him, and the fear in her eyes is what gets him. He's seen her scared, he's seen her heart breaking, he's seen her vulnerable, but never has he seen such raw terror as he does now.

It frightens him more than he can say. Moments flash before his eyes, the hangar, the precinct, life bleeding out of Coonan, the hotel room in LA, but he's not coherent enough to see the irony that it's her life flooding out of her. Every time he moves he sees more red, juxtaposed horribly with the bright green of the grass, alongside the clear green flecks in her hazel eyes. She blinks at him, and every time her eyelids flutter closed he's sucker punched with the realisation that this could be the last time he sees life in those eyes.

He's willing, all too willing to stand with her, but he was crouched over her just days ago, in the hanger, pressing into her and begging her to stay, and he thought he'd won, damn it. He thought he'd won and that arrogance is killing him now, that he thought they were done, that they were immune. That it's Kate, not him, on the ground before him is meaningless, because her blood is flooding over his hands, and he sees it all, his thoughts flying between Kate and his daughter, and he sees Alexis slipping away too, just for a second it's his daughter before him, and he blinks and it's Kate again, but _God_, she's meant to be the _one_, and how did they get here?

A single tear escapes and he's struck again by the futility. In his mind he's begging her to give him a sign that she's going to be okay, but she just looks scared, and he hates himself that he can't reassure her. With every fibre of his being he's praying to a God he doesn't believe in, and it tumbles from him, unbidden. Richard Castle can give himself to her, but it's just not enough, and he doesn't even mean to say it. The words spill from his lips simply because they can't remain trapped inside any more.

"_Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."_

* * *

Castle brings a cup of coffee, because he doesn't really know what else to do. Showing up empty handed is out of the question, so he picks up two cups at the cafe around the corner from her place and buzzes her door.

When Beckett opens the door and lets him in, she scowls at him, but takes the coffee. "You're early."

He shrugs. "Couldn't stay at home. Martha and Alexis went out- they're coming today too, but they'll meet us there."

She nods, and sips the hot drink. He sees her relax marginally as the caffeine touches her lips. "I still have to get ready."

He takes her in. She's certainly a lot more casual than he's used to. Jeans, which of course he's seen before, but there's a rawness to her, and he realises this might be the first time he's seen her without any make up. "Of course." Castle takes a seat on her sofa. "Go on. Get ready." He thinks she'll turn tail and head into her bedroom to get changed, but she perches on the edge of the sofa too, alternating biting her thumbnail and drinking the coffee. He sips his own too, nervous. He should have gotten decaf. Her leg is jiggling up and down. _For both of them_, he thinks.

"The other night-" she starts.

He closes his eyes. _Which one? _

"When you- when we were fighting- here," she adds, and now he knows which night she means.

"Kate- I'm sorry, okay."

"No-" she shakes her head. "No, Castle. I'm sorry. I shouldn't- I shouldn't have pushed you away like that. I should have trusted you. Listened to you." Beckett looks down at her cup, tracing circles on the lid. "I'm sorry," she sighs.

Castle nods, and turns to face her. They'd sat down on opposite ends of the sofa, and he wants to close the distance. He scoots a little closer, and she turns too, so she's facing him. They sit there facing one another for a moment, and he's eerily reminded of their hotel room in L.A. "_You're not so bad yourself_, _Castle_," he hears inside his head, and he reaches for her, but before his hand can brush against her knee, she's standing and turning.

"I'm going to go get changed," she calls over her shoulder, and he nods, standing as well, and watching her disappear into her bedroom.

The last few days have been hell. Absolute hell. So when Kate called him this morning to ask him if he'd drive with her to the service, he hadn't hesitated. "I'll meet you at your place," he'd promised her. They've hurt each other in recent days, he knows that, but as she'd sobbed over Roy's body in the hangar, she'd looked up at him watching over her, and reached her hand up, letting him take her hand and pulling him down next to her. They'd both been crouched over Roy, and she'd clung to his hand even as she called in the shooting, remaining there until the uniforms came, and then Ryan and Esposito.

Beckett had beckoned him to her as she'd given her statement to the boys. He'd mistaken her intention at first. _Stay close, listen, get the story straight_. But as she'd spoken her hand had betrayed her, reaching out and brushing his arm. _She needs me_, he'd realised. Kate, God, Beckett of all people, clinging for physical comfort is what had broken him, and he'd stood beside her, trying his best to be stoic and strong, biting back his tears and the howls in his brain that screamed at him that he should have done more.

Now he's pacing in her living room in his suit, sunglasses in his hand. He texts back and forth with Alexis and his daughter confirms that she and Martha will be at the service and then the cemetery. He's grateful. They didn't know Montgomery, but they'll stand with Rick there. And he'll stand with Beckett.

Beckett emerges from her bedroom, polished and stoic. Her eyes are severe with make up, lashings of dark mascara. Her hair is up in a bun- no nonsense, and he's struck by the urge to pull it from its clasps, hold her, freeze time, stop them from ever going to this funeral. He shakes his head. "Wow," he says, swallowing hard. "So, um- uniform?" It's not the time for jokes, but what else can he say? She gives him a look like _come on_, and he groans. "Seriously, Beckett? You didn't think I _wouldn't_ be into your uniform did you?"

And she chuckles, and it's the sweetest sound and it makes his heart flutter, just a tiny bit. This is the day from hell, but in spite of himself he grins back, because if he can make her laugh, just a little, lighten her burden just a little, then all the inappropriate comments in the world are worth it.

"I wish I'd known you, when you were a uniform," he tells her wistfully. He leans into her, in the guise of straightening a button, or fixing her collar, he doesn't know which, and he doubts she falls for it, but God, today cannot get any worse, and he needs to touch her.

"Really?" She looks like she's going to say something more, but she quiets, and bites her lip. He thinks she probably needs the connection, too, because she leans into him, just a little, rather than retreating like he knew she would. His writer's imagination fills his head with visions of _Josh _comforting her and he's the first to flinch back, cursing his mind for betraying his body and denying him the moment.

She jumps back too, when he flinches, and another giggle escapes, but this one is nervous. They've both been through the wringer these last few days, and he's determined that they'll drown their sorrows at the Old Haunt come day's end.

"We have to get going." She's reluctant, her body language countering her words, because she's still standing there, rooted to the spot. "I told my Dad I'd meet him before the service."

"Your Dad's coming?" Castle's surprised.

"Yeah- you'll get to meet him."

"Great." Castle winces internally. He met Jim just this week, and Beckett has no idea. He knows, now, what it is that he feels for Katherine Beckett, and it hits him in the gut that he didn't get to meet her father the normal way, wishes he'd been interrogated and intimated the same way he's messed with Alexis' boyfriends in the past. He wonders whether Jim likes Josh. Why didn't he knock on Josh's door and ask Beckett's boyfriend to make her stop? "Did you Dad ever meet Montgomery?"

She smiles sadly. "Yeah, actually." She draws a deep breath. "When I was an Officer- well, you know my Dad drank- I had to-" Kate hesitates, and shrugs, almost whispering now. "I had to arrest my Dad, one time. And Roy- well, he was there. Later, when my Dad got out of lock up, he shook Montgomery's hand, and thanked him for looking out for me."

Damn. Castle wants to bury his face in his hands. This is all so messed up. She brought her father back from the brink of the grave before he could drown himself, and today she'll bury her mentor, the man who had her back right through from the early days of her career.

Kate looks up at him, unshed tears welling in her eyes. "Let's go."

They're in the car before she speaks again. She's driving of course, gripping the wheel with unnatural ferocity, and she turns to him as they wait at a light. "Will you stand up there, beside me, when I speak?"

Castle can only nod. "Of course. Always."

He sees the waver in her eyes again, but the light changes to green, and he sees her steel herself as she hits the gas. They don't speak again for the rest of the ride.

* * *

As brutal as today is, he's proud to stand with Beckett, Esposito and Ryan, proud to stand with the twelfth for the Captain. The coffin weighs a figurative tonne, and Castle is glad for the sunglasses that create a barrier between himself and this moment. He watches as the flag is folded and presented to Evelyn. Montgomery's girls are so young, and he has to blink and look away, lest he see Alexis in their place.

"… And in the end, the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand. And if you're very lucky, you find someone to stand with you."

Beckett meets Castle's eyes, and he tries to silently assure her. _Yes. I stand with you_. He thinks in this moment she knows it, understands what she couldn't as he carried her pitching and screaming from Roy in the hangar.

"Our Captain would want us to carry on the fight…" Castle sees a flicker of light even as Kate is speaking, "…and even if there is…" From then it all happens in slow motion, in a rush he's helpless to stop, as he leaps upon her, knowing all the while that he's too late, he's too late, of course he's too late.

"_Kate, shh… Kate. Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay?"_

He gazes at her, meeting her green eyes in horror as the red rushes from her chest.

"_Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."_

* * *

The sirens howl, and Castle can see colours- lights flashing, and his mind rests for a second on the first time Beckett turned him down, her slender form framed by the garish flash of the gumball. _No idea_. He lets Lanie push him away from an unconscious Kate, watching in silence as the ME's hands dive gloveless beneath Beckett's shirt, searching in vain for a way to stem the bleeding.

Martha and Alexis crowd in beside Castle, their faces identical masks of terror. He sees Jim, pale and unsteady and the horror in Evelyn's eyes as she rushes to catch Beckett's father before he collapses. _At her husband's funeral_. Castle thinks he'll be on the ground next too, and he unwillingly catches onto Alexis' arm, hating himself for needing to steal comfort from his teenage daughter- if he could only keep her innocent forever.

The paramedics are loading Beckett up, raising her up onto that stretcher like they do this every day of their lives, and before Castle can blink, Lanie's in, riding beside her. He flings himself into the front seat of the ambulance, strapping his seatbelt shut as a matter of habit but then clinging to the seat and twisting back to chance a look behind him. If she dies, if he sees her die- he squeezes his eyes shut, wishing the screeching of the monitors in the back wasn't so jarring, and then the rhythm of the beeping falters to a low roar. His eyes fly open and he's praying for the sound to _just come back _as he watches her code before his eyes.

"C'mon Kate. You do not die on me! Stay with me! Stay with me!" Lanie's riding on the side of the gurney, and Castle can't keep up- he doesn't want to. He's just watched her die once, and he doesn't think he can do it again.

"Single GSW to the left chest, initially unresponsive, lost vitals right in front of us," he hears the paramedic call out, instructing the doctors who are ready for the incoming trauma- just one gunshot victim among many in New York City, to them.

"Stay with me! Do not die! C'mon, girl!"

Castle watches as Lanie relents and lets them take Kate from her. He watches her for a second, before beckoning her, and she follows him back down the hallway.

Ryan and Esposito look like hell on a bad day. Her _brothers_, he reminds himself. Their _family_. They're each barking down their phones, demanding answers and facts before ending their calls.

"How is she?"

Esposito folds Lanie into a hug as she answers him. "They just took her into surgery, but…"

Castle hears the words she can't say. _It's not good._ "What about the shooter?"

Ryan hesitates. His one word answer sucks the air out of Castle's lungs. "Gone."

"Gone? How could he be gone?"

"We don't know, but he left his weapon behind."

Esposito nods. "It's a Mark 11, modified sniper rifle. Favourite of Special Forces. We're checking for prints now."

_Fuck_.

He looks up, and sees his mother and daughter.

"Richard!"

"Dad!"

"Oh my God!"

His mother and daughter both embrace him and he breathes them in, finding a kind of raw solace for just a second. "It's okay, it's okay."

A lie, it's a lie, it's not okay, not the slightest, because Jim's here too. Beckett's father is calm, scared and angry all at once. "Where's Katie? Where's my daughter?"

It gets worse, all at once, when Josh arrives. Is this why he wasn't at the funeral? On shift? Castle had wondered why Jim had made it to Roy's funeral, but Beckett's boyfriend hadn't been there. Josh doesn't have answers for them, only angry questions. "Snipers? At a funeral?"

Esposito is the first to speak up- "We think the people that sent those guys after Montgomery targeted Beckett."

"I tried to get to her. I tried-" Castle wants to apologise, not just to Josh, but to Jim, to all of them there, but Josh is shoving him into the wall before he can protest.

"Hey!" Esposito sounds ready to explode, pulling Josh off him.

His mother's voice is there too, sharp and angry- "What the hell do you think you're doing?" and he hears Alexis cry out. _God_. What is this _doing_ to his daughter?

"This is your fault!" Esposito is holding Josh back, and Ryan and Alexis are pushing him back toward the wall. "You did this! This is your fault!" He wants to run at Josh, dare the man to touch him again. "You pushed her to look into her mother's murder! She was shot because of you and Montgomery is dead because of you!"

Just like that, Castle wants to weep, doesn't need to dare Josh anymore, and he can hear his daughter's pleading again, "Leave him alone!"

"Stop it!" Martha calls out, but it's Jim that really shames the two men.

"Stop it, all of you! Just stop it. I won't have you acting like three year olds while my daughter is fighting for her life."

* * *

Castle moves away from the others and settles down on a chair. It is his fault. All of it. Starting three years ago, when his curiosity- stupid insatiable need to _know_- started something he was helpless to stop. She'd warned him, and he hadn't been able to take her seriously, hadn't believed just what the rabbit hole was. He'd pushed and pushed, and he'd fucked it all up again when he'd let Coonan take him hostage. What kind of man was he, that he could let the woman he loved go through all that?

So he hadn't loved her when he first met her. He knows that. It's kind of snuck up on him, but he's seriously furious with himself, that back in the beginning he'd just been too fascinated by the whole of macabre plot to leave well enough alone.

Martha's tread is gentle, deliberate, as she comes and sits beside him. He feels like a child, ready to be chided after being taken into time out. "He's right, you know. This is my fault."

"Richard Castle, don't you dare blame yourself. You are not the one that shot her." His mother has always had a rather practical world view, and he can tell she believes her own words. He wishes he could believe them as easily.

"No. But I put her in the crosshairs."

Martha sighs.

"I told her how I felt." He looks up to see his mother looking sadly at him. "I told her I loved her."

He walks back to the others and sinks down into his seat. If only the floor would open up and swallow him. He doesn't know how long they've all been waiting already.

"Why is it taking so long?" he asks Lanie.

She shakes her head. "We'd have more to worry about if they were out already," she tells him. "They need time, it's not simple. She's a fighter, Castle."

"Yeah, bro," Esposito chimes in, and Castle looks at them both. Lanie believes what she's saying, he can tell. Espo, on the other hand- well, he thinks Espo's just paying lip service to the notion, keeping the peace. Ryan catches his eye, and quickly looks away.

A nurse walks past them, coffee in hand, giggling into her phone. Is this what it's like for the families of their victims? They pass on the bad news, do their best to get answers, find some justice, but really, their lives just go on. How often does Castle come to a crime scene, coffee in hand, solely intent on torturing Beckett with another annoying theory? Life goes on, he muses, but he knows- if Kate's doesn't, if she doesn't make it through this surgery, his life will be over too. Oh, sure. He'll go through the motions. Make an effort for Alexis, but really- Castle knows that his life might end tonight too.

It's dark outside before the doctor's voice jolts them from their restlessness.

"Mr Beckett?" Jim jumps to attention.

"Yes?"

"Your daughter is out of surgery." The doctor is calm, much like Beckett is when she delivers bad news, and Castle's not holding his breath for any guarantees.

"Will she be all right?" Everyone is watching the doctor, waiting on his answer to Jim's question.

"Well, during the surgery she experienced cardiac arrest. Now, we were able to get her heart beating again on its own, but we'll need to watch her very closely."

"When can I see her?"

The doctor regards Beckett's father. "Once the nurses get her settled we'll bring you back to her. The rest of you should go home, get some rest."

Esposito shakes his head. The energy has changed, and there's a slow burn of anger in the hall now. "I don't know about you, bro, but home is the last place I'm going. Not until we catch the son of a bitch who did this."

"Right behind you," Ryan agrees.

"We're fine. Go," Martha urges Castle, and he turns and follows the boys. To the precinct. Their home. To work out just what went wrong.

* * *

The call comes when he's asleep- on Beckett's desk of all places. Esposito and Ryan have been working around him, the three of them have barely slept, catching just snatches of rest on their chairs or the break room couch. Jenny had come by, bringing burgers, and Castle knows none of them would have eaten if she hadn't stared them all down and threatened bodily harm if they didn't force the food down.

"Castle."

"It's Lanie," comes the voice on the other end. Redundant, because he's seen his caller idea. "She's awake, you can come see her."

"Are you sure?"

"Am I sure? Of course I'm sure!" Lanie snaps back at him, and he's reminded again of just how tightly they're all strung at the moment. No matter now. Kate's awake. That's all that matters. They'll get through this, they'll find whoever is responsible, and they'll bring justice down. Together. They need to stay safe now, stay together. The time for vengeance has passed.

Castle feels lighter than he has in days, since before Montgomery was shot, even. _She's awake_, _she's awake_, he repeats to himself, like a mantra. He hightails it out of the precinct. "_Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate." _What will she say, when she sees him? He's scared, excited, wound up, and he forces himself to take a few deep breaths. _She's awake_. _She's alive_. That's all that matters.

* * *

He puts on his game face, wills the fear away from his eyes. He nods at LT as he makes his way down the hall to her room, and he wants to hesitate when he hears Josh in there with her, but he barrels through.

Her voice, from across the room, sounds a million miles away. "Hey, Castle." She sounds groggy, but it's the sweetest sound he's heard since her throaty laughter as they got ready for the funeral together. It feels like years ago.

"I'll see you after rounds," Josh tells her, pointedly ignoring Castle. He stands, and kisses her forehead, eyeing Castle as he exits.

"Hey." Castle can breathe again, now Josh is gone. That _fight _shook him more than he cares to admit. He's a writer, dammit, not the person who fist fights over a woman in a hospital corridor.

"You're staring at me. I must look- really bad."

Castle smiles at that. "No. I just never thought I'd see you again." She looks beautiful, and its all he can do to maintain this distance, because he wants her in his arms so badly. "I heard you were opening a flower store, so I thought I'd pitch in."

Beckett smiles ruefully. "They were all here when I woke up. I think they're mostly from the precinct. I don't think I'm going to live this one down, Castle."

"Probably not."

She smiles again, and his breath catches. "I hear that you tried to save me."

"Yeah, I um- you heard? You don't remember me tackling you?" His head is swimming. He'd run this conversation through his head a dozen times since he'd been told she'd woken up, and he'd never considered that she might not remember.

"No, I don't remember much of anything." She doesn't seem to notice his hesitation, or the way his face has fallen. "I, um, I remember that I was on the podium and I remember everything just going black."

He tries to prompt her, "You don't remember-" but he can't bring himself to do it, bring more confusion into her world. She's just woken up, and she looks amazing, but he realises that as the drugs wear off, she'll have a whole lot more to process. "-the gun shot?"

"No. They say that there's some things that are better not being remembered."

"Yeah."

"I keep seeing his face, Castle. Every time I close my eyes I see Montgomery lying on the hangar floor. You should have let me go in there."

Fuck. He wants to shake her, restrains himself. She's here in front of him, right now. It's enough, he tells himself. "They would have killed you."

"You don't know that."

"Kate-" He sees blood pouring from her chest again when he squeezes his eyes shut, for a split second he's back in the cemetery leaning over her, and she just got shot, so _how_ does she not see that she's not bullet proof?

"Castle, I'm really tired right now."

She's shutting him down, but he's helpless to fight it. "Of course. We'll talk tomorrow."

She blinks. "Do you mind if we don't?" He turns back to her. What? "I just need a little bit of time."

Castle doesn't know what to say, he forces himself to smile, pretend like this is okay. "Sure. Sure. How much time?"

"I'll call you, okay?"

He half shakes his head. She's been shot, she's got drugs coursing through her system, she lost a lot of blood. Of course she needs time. The thing is, he's not her boyfriend, not her anything. She's with Josh, she doesn't remember a thing, doesn't know that he loves her. So why does he feel like she just broke up with him?

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading my offering of hiatus fic. The title, chapter titles and lyrics are from **_**Overlap**_ **by Ani DiFranco. As you'll have seen, a whole bunch of this dialogue isn't mine- you know what's mine and what's not. One more chapter til I go AU and stop borrowing the words. :)**


	2. Stand Still

**come here, stand in front of the light**

**stand still, so I can see your silhouette**

* * *

_She's shutting him down, but he's helpless to fight it. "Of course. We'll talk tomorrow."_

_She blinks. "Do you mind if we don't?" He turns back to her. What? "I just need a little bit of time."_

_Castle doesn't know what to say, he forces himself to smile, pretend like this is okay. "Sure. Sure. How much time?"_

"_I'll call you, okay?"_

_He half shakes his head. She's been shot, she's got drugs coursing through her system, she lost a lot of blood. Of course she needs time. The thing is, he's not her boyfriend, not her anything. She's with Josh, she doesn't remember a thing, doesn't know that he loves her. So why does he feel like she just broke up with him?_

* * *

"I've been going to that prison every week for the last four months to have a staring contest with the devil and the the devil just blinked. This is exactly what I've been looking for."

"Every week? For the last four months? And then he got away in the _court_?" Josh's voice on the other end of the phone is accusing.

Kate nods, squeezing her eyes shut. She's slipped into the rest room at the precinct, taking a moment before she and Castle head out to take a look at the chopper. She's trying. She's really, really trying. She wants to let Josh in, she does. But he doesn't listen. He doesn't get it. Not like Castle. No- not like Espo and Ryan. She corrects her thoughts internally, blinking away the image of Rick. Who gets it. Even when he doesn't. _Shit_. "Yeah. So we're working through the financials, and we've heard back from the Jersey State Police and they've found the chopper. But listen- we're going to get him. We are," she insists.

"So you're heading out again now?" It doesn't sound like Josh is smiling.

"I know. I know. I think it's going to be a long night- rain check on dinner?"

"What do you even think you're going to find? Kate?"

"I have to go, Josh." Beckett hangs up before it can escalate into an argument. This. This is why she doesn't call him, doesn't let him know what's going on. He doesn't want to know, digs himself deeper into his own work, and then complains that she didn't tell him she was going away when she returns from LA. She sighs. This is no relationship, she knows this. But she feels helpless to take control. _Later_, she tells herself. When this is over. When they catch the guy. When they have the answers. She'll be ready then. She'll work it out.

Beckett breathes out slowly to calm herself, and schools her features. She exits the bathroom and walks purposefully through the bullpen, meeting Castle at the elevator. _This first_.

* * *

Castle's checking out the bullet holes in the helicopter. "Yours?" he points. He looks worried, has looked worried since she got back from the prison. Well. She doesn't have time to worry about him either. Not yet. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself. _This first_.

"Yeah."

"That smell- is that- "

"Bleach. In the cabin. They're destroying DNA evidence."

"Mechanic says the chopper must have been stolen and returned before anyone knew it was missing." Ryan tells them.

Esposito is trailing close behind him. "He says he wouldn't have even known anybody had used it if it weren't for the bullet holes."

"Who does the helicopter belong to?"

"A hedge fund manager from upstate," Ryan nods.

"Okay, check his background. And the mechanics and anybody else who works here."

The boys nod. "Right."

Beckett manages a small grimace before turning to Castle. "Why now? Lockwood was in prison for months. Why would he make a move now?"

"Well, they had him transferred. And they broke him out of a courtroom. That takes time, planning, resources."

"What if it was something else? What if there was another reason?"

"Like what?"

She hesitates, and shrugs. "I think I saw a surveillance camera outside the building. Let's pull the surveillance, look for a vehicle, maybe get an APB."

"You okay?" The look in his eyes is all concern, and she wants to scream. She's feeling boxed in, the walls are too close, the guys are too close, _Castle_ is too close.

"Yeah." Stupid question. Stupid answer.

* * *

Castle's going through his copy of the file, thumbing through the picture of Johanna Beckett, when his daughter comes up behind him. "Is that Beckett's mom?" Castle didn't even know Alexis was there. It's odd. He actually misses her- these last couple of weeks have felt kind of rough, even before the latest with Lockwood.

"Yeah."

"I can't imagine what it must be like for her. Solving murders and bringing closure to all of those families but never to herself."

Castle nods. "It's easier in my books. The just are rewarded, the wicked are punished. Unfortunately real life isn't that easy."

He sighs. He never meant to bring Alexis into this. Thanks to his persistence with Beckett, Alexis' world is now home to non fiction murder as well. He's tried so hard to protect her, right through her life. It had started with protecting her from her own mother- Meredith had hurt Alexis over and over again through her neglect- and had continued right through his marriage to Gina.

Castle had always done his best- never really well enough, he knows- to shield Alexis from his personal life, and it hits him, hard, that she's probably more affected by his relationship with Beckett than she ever was by any of the other women he actually had romantic relationships with.

The doorbell buzzes, and Alexis excuses herself. He doesn't miss the sad look in her eyes, but he's helpless to bring his daughter any peace, so he gets up and opens the door to a stranger. "Can I help you?"

"I hope so. I'm Jim Beckett, Kate's father."

Castle's eyes widen. He was not expecting this. Not at all. He takes a moment to take this in. Jim looks calm, so he's obviously not here with bad news. It's only when Castle realises this that he really works it out. Bad news. He's expecting bad news. This is how he's living at the moment, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to hear that it's over- he knows it's not going to end well.

"I feel like I already know you, Rick. I've heard a lot of great things about you from Katie."

"Really?" Huh. He would have thought if Beckett told her Dad anything about him, it would have been negative. He can imagine her complaining about him to her Dad, to Lanie, angry about being followed around, annoyed by his antics and games in the field and at the precinct.

"Really." Jim is smiling sadly. "So, how's she holding up?"

"Well, it's kind of tough to tell with her, you know? She doesn't flinch." Castle confused again. Why is this man here, asking about his own daughter? What can he possibly do for Jim, what help can he be?

"I know. She wouldn't accept a nightlight when she was a little girl. Not that she wasn't afraid of the dark, but I think she felt it was a point of pride to, you know, stare it down."

Castle laughs. Everything he hears about Kate appeals to him- he's always just so curious to learn more about her wild child phase.

"This man she's chasing. How dangerous is he?"

Castle wants to lie, set the man's mind at ease, but he can't do it. "He's a trained killer."'

"What happens when she finds him? I've already lost my wife over this. I've already lost- no, look. It took me years but I've made my peace with that. But Katie? She won't listen to me. And she won't back down. Not unless someone can convince her that her life is worth more than her mother's death."

What does that even mean? How can _he_ help Kate listen? Castle figures that he's a hair's breadth away from being shut out entirely- Kate's balance is precarious at the moment, and he doesn't think she's going to listen to him of all people.

Jim's already making a move to get up. "Look, she cares about you, Rick. And unless you're a lot dumber than you look, I know you care about her. Don't let her throw her life away."

* * *

Beckett gets back to her place late. She'd stayed in at the precinct long after Castle and the others had left. _Let them go_, she'd thought. Castle leaving stung of betrayal, but she couldn't keep him there. This was her fight, and really, the less he and the others were involved, the better. Besides, he had Alexis to think of, she couldn't begrudge him that.

There's an elevator in Beckett's building, but she doesn't take it. The stairwell isn't particularly well lit and she lets her eyes adjust before she walks up the stairs. She starts when she realises there's a man leaning against her door when she gets up to her floor, and she reaches for her piece, but he turns before she can take it from her holster, and she sees it's Josh. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey babe." Her boyfriend peels himself away from the wall and leans in to kiss her. Beckett turns her head at the last moment and his lips make contact with her cheek. She smiles at him weakly as she reaches for her key. "What happened to that key you were going to get cut for me?" he asks. "I wouldn't have had to wait outside."

"Sorry," she mumbles. Crap. Something else she'd _forgotten_, unable to tell her boyfriend outright that she doesn't want him to have a key to her place. Dammit. There's something wrong with her, she _knows_ this. "Why'd you come over?" she asks. She's still on alert as she enters her apartment, not relaxing or taking her hand from her holster until she's got the light on and visual confirmation of a clear room. _Crap_. It's been a while since she's been this paranoid, since she's felt so very unsafe in her own apartment. Usually she loves coming home, taking a bath, revelling in the light and airy space. She's so very lucky that she found such a great place after her other apartment was bombed, but today she hates it, feels crowded by the man standing all too close to her.

"Just wanted to see you. I was disappointed when you cancelled dinner, but I didn't think that was a reason to cancel our whole evening, you know?"

"How long were you waiting out there?" she asks.

Josh shrugs. "Not long. I was surprised you weren't home by now- I was going to take off if you hadn't gotten home in the next couple of minutes." It bugs Kate that he's make the effort to come over, but he wouldn't have stayed. Castle would have stayed as long as it took. She wants to kick herself. She's tired, she's being irrational. Not Castle. He's not here. He's not her boyfriend. No matter what images have danced through her head since they'd sat dangerously close on that couch in LA. She sighs. Stupid. She's being so stupid over this- she hasn't even told Josh that Castle was in LA with her, even as she argues with herself that she's done nothing wrong.

"Sorry," Beckett tells him. "I just got caught up at work." She flicks the overhead light on in the kitchen too, and switches her coffee machine on, aware of Josh's eyes critical upon her.

"Coffee?" he asks. 'At eleven thirty at night?"

Beckett meets his eyes, daring him. "Yes, Josh, coffee. I might not be at the precinct anymore, but I still have work to do tonight."

"Kate- I thought-" he pauses. "Kate, I wanted to spend time with you tonight. I'm on shift for the next few days, and I thought if I came over-"

"I didn't ask you to come over," she reminds him.

"I know. I know." Josh is nodding. "But seriously Kate, I never see you anymore. You're either working, or flying off to LA without telling me-"

"It's important," she interrupts him. "It's not just any case. LA wasn't just any case. I told you. Mike was my mentor. My _friend_. I had to do that for him. I _had_ to."

"And this one?" he asks. "What makes this case so different?"

Beckett presses her index fingers to the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes briefly. She pours herself a coffee, grudgingly offering a cup to Josh, which he declines with a wave of his hand, before she speaks again. "I _told_ you. This is about Lockwood. Raglan. McCallister. It's about my _Mom_."

Josh throws his hands up into the air, really frustrated now. "And I suppose _Castle_ is helping you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she snaps back.

"You know exactly what I mean, Kate! He's the one you turn to. He's the one you talk about when we actually get to spend time together." Her eyes flash with anger, and Josh raises his hands again, this time in a motion of surrender. "I didn't come here to fight," he tells her, softening. "It's late. I'm on shift tomorrow, and I'm obviously not going to get any sleep here, so I'm going to go." He leans in to kiss her again, and she lets his lips brush against hers this time.

"I'm sorry," she tells him.

He doesn't reply, just smiles at her ruefully and farewells her with a wave of his a hand. As Kate shuts and locks the door behind him she sighs, leaning against it. How did things get so messed up? She squeezes her eyes shut for a moment, before retrieving her coffee from the counter, and heading into her study and opening the shutters, ready to stare down her murder board once again.

* * *

"How'd you sleep?" Castle's nervous. He's going to talk to her today. He is. Jim's spoken to him, and father to father, he is not going to let the man down, because if Alexis was in Kate's position, God knows he would want someone to tell her to stand down.

"I didn't." Beckett barely looks up.

Castle sighs. Well. He has to try. "Yeah, me neither. Listen, I was wondering-"

Before he can take it any further, Ryan makes his way over to Beckett's desk. "So we ran financials on everyone associated with the prison. Guards, civilian employees, medical staff…"

Esposito joins him, and together the guys update Beckett and Castle on what they've learnt. He sees a bite of bitter disappointment in her eyes when Ryker's name comes up. He knew she'd had a good relationship with the guards at the prison, but he hadn't known that she was particularly friendly with any of them.

From there, the day spins into fast forward. They head over to Ryker's place expecting answers, but a messy crime scene only offers more questions. Who is pulling all these strings? Every step they take leads them into murkier waters and Castle's getting unhappier by the minute.

By the time Beckett's snapping at the boys at the murder board, he's silently freaking out. She'll be okay, he tells himself, but he can only half believe it.

"How is she?" Esposito asks him. Because everyone asks him. When did he become Kate's keeper?

"She won't return my calls. She just grabbed those case files and ran out of here."

"She's getting lost. She an inch away from the rabbit hole." Esposito's concern for Beckett worries Castle more than he likes.

"She'll be fine. She always is." He wishes he could convince himself and Esposito. But all he has are words, no facts, no guarantees that Kate will be fine this time. "Hey." Castle looks up. "Who's Napolitano?"

They work it through quickly- the altered files making Castle uncomfortable enough to copy them digitally before they update Montgomery on what they found.

Castle finds himself hanging back when Ryan and Esposito leave.

"Take her off the case." It's not a question.

"Castle, did Beckett ever tell you how we met?" Montgomery's reply throws Castle off balance. What is the Captain talking about?

"No."

"I was working late one night and went down to archives to locate some old reports. And there she was, with a flashlight and a banker's box open on her lap, studying this unsolved. She was a patrol cop then, she wasn't even authorised to be down there. When I asked her what the hell she was doing she told me that this was her mother's case and she found some things that didn't add up. Now, I could have written her up, right then."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because I knew it wouldn't stop her. It was there in her eyes, and I thought with this kid's tenacity and some training, she'd make a hell of a homicide."

"That tenacity is going to get her killed." It's happened, it's already happened. There's a part of Castle that knows that, sure as if he'd pulled the trigger himself, and he asks himself why he was cocky enough to push about her Mom's case three years ago.

"I cannot make Beckett stand down, Castle. I never could. And the way I figure, the only one that can, is you."

_Fuck_. Why. Why do people think this? How exactly does everyone figure that he has some kind of magical power over Beckett? As if he can make her see reason anymore than anyone else could.

* * *

When Castle knocks on her door it's a surprise and expected all at once. She's certainly not expecting Josh, not after their fight last night. She's got three missed calls from her boyfriend, and no intention of calling him back.

Castle starts to update her on the case, but she spoke to Espo half an hour ago. "Castle, you couldn't have just called me and told me this over the phone?"

She's edgy, she wants to pace. There's something in his eyes that is making her very uncomfortable.

"Well, yeah. I thought-"

"Castle, if you've got something to say just please say it." Even as the words come out of her mouth, she thinks she's been unnecessarily bitchy, brutal. But Josh's words are coming back to her too, and she's so tired of being torn between her partner and her boyfriend. She insists to Josh that Castle has her back, but right now it doesn't feel like he does.

"Beckett, everyone associated with this case is dead. Everyone. First your mom and her colleagues, then Raglan, now McCallister. You know they're coming for you next."

She shrugs. "Captain Montgomery's got a protective detail on me. It wasn't that hard to spot."

"That's not going to be enough to stop Lockwood, you know that. Think of what they're up against. Professional killers? Look, I- I've been working with you for three years. You know me. I'm the guy who says we can move that rubber tree plant, but you know what, Beckett? I don't think we're going to win this."

He doesn't think they're going to win this. Well screw that. If he thinks that winning was even an option, he understands her even less than she thinks. There are no winners. Not here. Not now. Not ever. "Castle, they killed my mother! What do you want me to do here?"

""Walk away." She feels like he's struck her. "They're going to kill you, Kate. And if you don't care about that, at least think about how that's going to affect the people that love you. You really want to put your dad through that? And what about Josh?"

"And what about you, Rick?"

"Well of course I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm your partner. I'm your friend!"

"Is that what we are?" Beckett's angry now. How dare he call himself her partner and friend but not stand by her?

"No, you know what? I don't know what we are. We kiss, and then we never talk about it. We nearly die, frozen in each other's arms, but we never talk about it. So no, I've got no clue what we are. I know I don't want to see you throw your life away!"

"Yeah well last time I checked, it was my life, not your personal jungle gym. And for the past three years I've been running around with the school's funniest kid. And it's not enough." She's not above hurting him. Not if he's going to hurt her.

"You know what? This isn't about your mother's case anymore. This is about you needing a place to hide. Because you've been chasing this thing so long you're afraid to find out who you are without it."

"You don't know me, Castle. You think you do, but you don't." She's dying inside. Because if he doesn't know her, who does? Who ever could?

"I know you crawled inside your mother's murder and didn't come out. I know you hide there, same way you hide in these nowhere relationships with men you don't love. You could be happy, Kate. You deserve to be happy. But you're afraid."

"You know what we are, Castle? We are over. Now get out." She stares at the door after he shuts it behind him. Beckett wants to cry. Instead, she squares her shoulders, walks back to the study and sits in front of the murder board yet again.

* * *

Over. They're over. He plays the words over and over in his head as he agrees to meet Montgomery at the hangar. He hears them loud and clear above Beckett's kicking and screaming as he carries her bodily from Roy. He knows Roy spoke to her, he knows Roy's account of their conversation, he knows she asked for him to be kicked off the team, for good. He knows Beckett froze when Roy agreed it was over. He got the abridged version, and he hopes he'll be able to hear it from Kate one day.

He's in love with her. He's painfully, entirely, in love with this woman in his arms and it scares him just how willing he was to listen to Montgomery, sacrifice the Captain like a chess piece if it means he can keep Kate safe just another day longer. Rationally, he knows he's been in love with her for some time now, but he can't quite pinpoint when it began. Not before last summer, he thinks, much as he liked her then, was attracted to her, _wanted _her. But by the time they were trapped together in the freezer? Most definitely.

Watching her embrace Josh and then walk away with him had stung, but he'd placated himself by promising himself that if she was happy, if she was choosing Josh, that was enough. But God, it wasn't. It wasn't. Their stolen kiss had been so hurried, so painful against the backdrop of torture, and Castle had wanted to feel bad that he was kissing another man's woman- again- but unlike the time he'd kissed Kyra, he just didn't care.

Beckett's crying out and kicking her legs, but she hasn't pushed him aside, which scares Castle more than Montgomery's plan itself. She's stronger than him, he knows that. He's a big man, and strong too, but Kate's dedication to her fitness and strength is unbeatable, and he knows if she really wanted to break free of his arms she could.

He presses her against a car, trapping her there, holding her as close as he can. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He doesn't even really know if he's chanting aloud or not, but she stills, tears running down her cheeks and lets him hold her there.

The shots ring out and it's all Castle can do to keep holding Beckett. He wants to run back too, pull Montgomery out of there just as he did for Beckett, but it's too late, and all he can do is hope he's made some kind of difference for Beckett. Maybe, just maybe, begun to save her.

They hear a final shot, a few beats after the other shots, and it forces Beckett into action, and Castle's right behind her. Dead. They're all dead. Every last one of them, Montgomery lying there so close to where he'd been standing just minutes before, and Beckett's on her knees, kneeling over him, and Castle thinks his heart will break.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading my second chapter! From next chapter we're completely AU!**


	3. I'm not done looking yet

**I hope you have got all night**

'**cause I'm not done looking, no, I'm not done looking yet**

_The shots ring out and it's all Castle can do to keep holding Beckett. He wants to run back too, pull Montgomery out of there just as he did for Beckett, but it's too late, and all he can do is hope he's made some kind of difference for Beckett. Maybe, just maybe, begun to save her. _

_They hear a final shot, a few beats after the other shots, and it forces Beckett into action, and Castle's right behind her. Dead. They're all dead. Every last one of them, Montgomery lying there so close to where he'd been standing just minutes before, and Beckett's on her knees, kneeling over him, and Castle thinks his heart will break. _

* * *

Everything hurts. The first few times that Kate had woken up she had thought everything hurt, but in a hazy way. A dull ache. A general feeling of not being entirely okay, combined with an odd floaty feeling, and a penchant for focusing on the flowers in the room- _who are they all from_, or the hospital bracelet on her wrist- _how did it get there? _Or Roy's face before her eyes- _how did it all go this far? _

Now though, alone, everything hurts as though a thousand knives are stabbing into her. Intellectually, she knows that she's got a bullet hole in her chest, stitches in her heart, and a long line up her abdomen. She can't really pinpoint those injuries, though, because the pain is everywhere, in her abdomen, her limbs, her skull. Night has fallen, Kate guesses, ascertaining that the the hospital buzz has slowed to a dull roar and the lights are dim. She's moving tomorrow to a real room with windows, apparently. It's a small mercy, but she wants out.

The nurses have been insistent that she buzz them when the pain became too much, explaining she'd be switching from intravenous drugs now she could eat again. When they'd shown her the call button she'd still had anaesthetic running through her veins, and she'd nodded abruptly, unbelieving, intent on pushing through the pain. Now though, jerked awake in agony, it's all she can do to twist that tiny little bit to the side, and reach her hand out from under the covers and push that damn button, cursing her traitorous body. Crap. Staring this down is just not going to be an option, and a tear escapes. She wants to wipe it away, angry at herself, because crying? _Really, Beckett_? But she cannot stop herself from whimpering, and she hates herself for it.

By the time the nurse comes in, just moments later, she's fallen back into a restless sleep. The woman who wakes her is apologetic, and Kate blinks again, unable to remember the nurse's name. She's supposed to be so good at this, watching her own back, knowing her surroundings, and the fact that she's at the mercy of the doctors and nurses, and the officers standing guard at her door is killing her. She caught a glimpse of LT today, but she didn't even recognise the other officer. Logically she knows LT wouldn't be fooled by an impostor, that it's someone from another precinct who got called over, but still she worries on it. The burn of the fake officers who helped Lockwood escape causes bile to rise in her mouth. She's so very vulnerable, and she hates it so much.

As the painkillers kick in, Beckett drifts back to sleep. She's so tired. Before she's pulled back under she remembers waking the day before yesterday. Seeing Castle. And asking him to leave. She misses him already, but she won't call him. He doesn't need to see her like this. She's messed it all up, and she won't bring him down too. Her cross to bear, she tells her hazy mind. She has no idea what that means, only knows that it's Rick's face that haunts her as she finally loses consciousness and falls into a dreamless sleep.

It's three more days before Kate breaks down and calls Castle.

* * *

On the first day after Kate comes down from her drug induced high, her Dad comes in at eight in the morning. He walks in behind the curtain when the nurse is helping her back to her bed, from the bathroom. Her gown is gaping behind her, flying open at exactly the wrong moment and exposing more than she cares to think about, and she's not sure who is more embarrassed. Her cheeks flush and she curses under her breath. She stumbles a little, and the nurse catches her. Her father blushes scarlet and excuses himself, not coming back for another half an hour, this time announcing himself loudly before he comes through the open door, although this time the curtain is drawn back. Beckett misses her Mom.

"What can I bring you?" he asks her.

Kate's cheeks flush again, but she looks him in the eye stoically. "Pyjamas?" she suggests, and he chuckles. The mood is lightened, and her Dad is her Dad again. She's grateful.

"So, Katie," he teases. "You weren't kidding about having a tattoo, huh?"

Kate rolls her eyes. "Yeah. Well."

"Do you regret it?" he asks, and she thinks she hears curiosity in his voice rather than judgement, so she shakes her head.

"No. Not really." Beckett doesn't elaborate. She doesn't know how to explain to her Dad that she misses the person she used to be. The girl who got a tattoo on a whim, who rode a motorbike because she had no sense of her own mortality. She can't explain that without explaining that she still rides the bike in spite of her understanding of mortality, or perhaps because of it. She doesn't really want to explain that she got the tattoo on her hip touched up after Johanna died, to prove to herself that she could still put needle to skin, yet she didn't dare get a whole second piece.

"The boys are asking me when they can visit," he tells her.

It's a point of pride that Beckett doesn't ask him to elaborate and tell her whether Castle's included in that grouping, or whether it's only Ryan and Esposito. "Later," she tells Jim, not really meaning it. "When I get out of here."

On the first day, Kate breathes in sharply as her doctor comes in and explains her injuries to her. It's different this time. She'd heard much of the same yesterday, and the day before, but this is the first time it matters to her. She wonders what's wrong with her, that it seems to _matter_ so much. She wonders what was wrong with her that it didn't matter yesterday.

On the first day, Josh darts in and out of her room in between seeing his patients. He smiles at her, sits beside her, holds her hand each time. But he gets up just as quickly, and picks up her chart and refuses to meet her eyes as he mumbles notes of discontent. He disagrees with her doctor's treatment plan, he disagrees with the dosages, hell, for all Beckett can tell, he disagrees with the angles the bed is on. She doesn't have the heart to tell him that she just doesn't _care_. She wants to get better, yes, but she doesn't trust Josh more than the doctor she's been assigned.

She's been studiously avoiding thinking about the doctors and nurses providing her care, but it doesn't really hit her until the second day that she even _should_ trust Josh more than her own doctor.

* * *

Javier Esposito is having a really fucking bad day. Really fucking bad, frankly. He's supposed to be finding yesterday's leftover takeaway so they can eat lunch- at three in the afternoon, well past mandated midday lunch breaks. Instead, he's slammed his fist into the precinct fridge, and his knuckles _hurt_, and everything has gone to hell.

They don't tell you this when you leave special forces to become a cop. They tell you when you leave that the hardest part of your life is behind you, and as a cop, you'll have it easy, compared to the tour.

They lied.

Esposito's never regretted becoming a cop, not really, although there are a few days in traffic he does regret. He regrets a few things about his early days at the Fifty-fourth. How easy they all took it, back then. How little they knew. How green they all were. Somehow he expected it to all be a little less personal.

Then again, maybe that's part of the charm. Show up each day, and every time someone dies, pretend like it's the last time a good man will fall. He'd been fresh out of the academy, figuring that if he made it through Iraq, he could make it through the NYPD without being shot. He hadn't counted on the Sergeant a few months off retirement being hit by a car.

He hadn't counted on Ike dying, or returning from the dead, and he sure as hell hadn't counted on falling into a camaraderie with Kate Beckett that makes him think that sniper's bullet might just have penetrated his own heart too. He hadn't counted on investigations that stain the memory of their mentor, or reviewing the circumstances of a decades old crime to try in vain to bring justice to his friend's mother's death

This thing with Lanie is killing him too, she sleeps in his arms, snuffling in her sleep, but won't meet his eyes come light of day. She comes up with lists and lists of words she surely made up, assuring him she's updating him on Kate's condition, but he doesn't need to know. He doesn't want to know. He doesn't care how many ribs are cracked. He wants to know when she'll let them visit. He wants to know when she's going to be back in the precinct and when she's going to wipe that haunted look off of her boy Castle's face.

Esposito shakes his head at himself, scowling as he opens the freezer compartment and digs out for some ice to hold against his hand, briefly. Then all too soon he's messing around in the main section, looking for the leftovers from last night- and if Hastings has helped herself to their stuff again, there'll be hell to pay- and someone comes into the room behind him.

Kevin Ryan clears his throat before speaking. "Hey- Javi. Forget about the Chinese. Jenny's here. She brought sandwiches."

Esposito clears his throat too, blinking back the sting at his eyelids, and rubbing in vain at the cracked knuckles of his right hand. "Right. Sounds good, man." He follows Ryan back through the bullpen to their desks, easily accepting a sandwich from Jenny with a smile. Esposito left for Iraq knowing the friends he made wouldn't all be coming home with him. He came home to New York expecting everyone to stay. Well. It might not be turning out the way he'd expected, but they'll see this investigation through, and Beckett will be back.

* * *

On the second day, Josh stops in before his shift, sandwich and coffee in hand, watching her as she eats her hospital issue breakfast. "Couldn't you have brought me a coffee?" she asks petulantly.

He frowns and points to her tray. "You have coffee. Anyway, I'm not convinced you should even be having caffeine yet. I know your doctor's okayed it, but I don't think it's doing your blood pressure any favours."

Kate scowls at him. "This stuff might as well not even have caffeine in it," she tells him. "And it tastes like a monkey peed in battery acid."

"Descriptive," Josh laughs, and Kate glares at him. He throws his hands up in mock surrender. "Okay, okay. I have to go, but I'll try and remember to bring you some coffee when I come in next time, okay?" He kisses her forehead, and leaves with a wave.

Her Dad comes in again, this time around nine, clearing his throat loudly as he walks through the open door even though the curtains are pulled back. He puts a paper bag on the side table next to her. "Pyjamas, and some other stuff- a hairbrush and other things," he tells Kate, and she nods at him, grateful. "What else can I bring you?"

"Nothing," she tells him this time. They sit quietly, interrupted only by the bustle of the hospital when the nurses come in to administer pain killers and check her over. Evidently infection is a risk, and every time they come in they mention the way her heart stopped in the ambulance, and then the cardiac arrest she experienced on the operating table. She wishes they wouldn't. She doesn't remember it, and she doesn't want to hear about it as though she should be anything more than a casual observer. The bandages on her torso and the constant drum of pain are proof enough.

"Your friends have been calling me," he says.

"Oh." Kate keeps her voice level.

"You wouldn't let them in, I hear."

Kate doesn't reply, just leans her head back against the pillow and closes her eyes, hoping he'll get the message. She doesn't want to see anyone, and she definitely doesn't want to talk about it.

"Well," he continues, as though she's an active and willing participant in the conversation. "I spoke to Rick, and I spoke to Javier, and- what's the other one called- Ryan- what's his first name, I mean?"

"Ryan," she spits out. "And Esposito. And Castle. That's what I call them."

Her father shrugs. "Well. They called, Katie. They're real worried about you."

Kate closes her eyes again, and turns her head away from her father. "I'm tired, Dad. Do you mind if we just- let's talk about this later, okay?"

He brushes a hand across her forehead before he leaves, and when he's gone, Kate lets the tears roll out. They can call all they want. She's not going to answer. Not yet.

Her Dad comes back later, with another bag. "What's that?" she asks.

"Just some more stuff." He sits without saying anything else, and Kate's forced to sit up and open the bag herself. A book. The first thing she notices is a black spine, and she flinches when she sees the black spine, so afraid that it will be _Heat Wave_, only to be burned by unexpected disappointment when she sees it's a Patterson.

* * *

These days, Kevin Ryan thanks his lucky stars that Jenny's not a cop. In spite of having long since drawn the line at deliberate in house relationships- he'd been more than burned mixing work with pleasure- he'd had a few moments over the last year of almost envying Esposito and Lanie, and Beckett and Castle- back when he'd been dumb enough to figure their relationships would work out- because he figured there would be some assurance in going home with someone who understood just what the day had been like.

Narcotics had practically done his head in, and he'd had his share of near misses and screw ups, and he'd seen the Twelfth as a fresh start. Montgomery had brought him in back when he'd first passed his detective's test, a couple of years after Beckett, and hot on the heels of Esposito, and no matter what happens, he thinks he'll always be grateful for the last few years they've had, the family they've created.

He'd joined New York's finest with some grand ambition, and not a little romance in his eyes, but he doesn't even like it when Jenny's in the precinct, in a funny way. Of course, he thinks, he does like it when she's there, because it means she's there with him, but it makes him think too much and it unbalances him a little. Puts a few too many what-ifs in his head.

Today, though, he'd texted her (if Esposito knew _just_ how often he texts his almost-wife, he'd never live it down) and mentioned, just mentioned, that they were yet to eat, in spite of having been chained to their desks with no leads to track down. So today, yes, today he likes her being in the precinct, because she's brought him- them- lunch, for the third day in a row. And it's not because she brought him lunch so much as the fact that she _brought him lunch_, because this is the kind of woman he is marrying, the kind of woman who is decidedly _not_ a cop, but decidedly the kind of woman who will skip out of a purchasing meeting, claiming that lunch trumps fashion, and sitting on the edge of his desk like a breath of fresh air.

Lanie's up at Esposito's desk again too, avoiding the morgue while she dances around with Javier trying her darnedest to avoid labelling their relationship. He's not judging, for all that the two of them are deep in denial land- and hey, if Javi has someone to go home to, it sure beats going home alone like Castle is doing. If Castle is, in fact going home on a regular basis. Ryan's not too sure how he'd go, if it was Jenny in that hospital bed, refusing to take her friends' calls. Castle's been suspiciously present at the precinct since Beckett got shot, and Ryan wishes that the man would get himself home for a full night's sleep, perhaps acquaint himself with a clean shirt while he's there.

When he does go home (on days when the tragedies are not their own), Ryan's glad he can leave work at work when he's behind closed doors with his fiancee. So yeah, he's glad Jenny's a fashion buyer, not a cop. He heads from the conference room back into the bullpen, Esposito following close behind him, with a grateful smile at his fiancee.

* * *

On the third day, Kate wakes screaming. Josh is folded into the uncomfortable chair beside her bed, frowning at her. She gasps for breath, and holds her hand out praying for solace. He takes it, but she's jarred by the lack of contact. She tries desperately to get her breathing under control and she blinks at him.

"Calm down," he tells her, eventually moving closer, and stroking her shoulder, sitting on the edge of the bed. She leans forward into his arms and her folds her into awkward embrace.

Kate feels her heart pounding- wonders how much her heart can take, really, given it stopped just days ago- and squeezes her eyes shut. "I was dreaming," she tells Josh.

"I know," he nods. "I saw. I _heard_." He smiles wryly at her and she does her best to smile back. "Do you remember what it was about?"

She nods, but it's already slipping away, the specifics replaced only by a general feeling of unease. "Darkness? Lights? Noise? Shots, maybe." She nods. "Yeah. Shooting."

"Your shooting, probably", Josh says, but she shakes her head.

"No. I don't think so. Maybe. But- oh." Kate shrugs. "I don't know. I don't remember."

"It's still pretty early, Kate. Do you think you can go back to sleep?"

Kate looks around. The hall lights are shining under the door into the room, and it's still pretty quiet. The sky is no longer black, though, and the city noises are already changing. Kate figures it for five or so in the morning. "When did you get here?" she asks her boyfriend.

"I finished my shift at midnight. Just figured it would be nice for you if you didn't wake up alone."

"It was, thanks."

He shrugs, looking uncomfortable, though she's not sure why. "I might go now, though," he says. "Get some real sleep at home, before I'm back later today."

"Okay." Kate's fading fast, sinking back into sleep. Castle's face is imprinted against her eyelids instead of her boyfriend's and she tries unsuccessfully to open her eyes again before Josh leaves, but she can't quite manage it.

Later, on the third day when Kate is properly awake, she makes herself really look, when the nurse gently unwraps her wounds. The bruising shocks her, somehow, more than the ugly red line. Her skin is blotchy with purples already becoming yellow. She draws in a sharp breath that somehow hurts more for having seen the evidence of her injuries.

The nurse meets her eyes, and Kate drops her gaze from the woman's face, looking for the first time at the name tag the woman is wearing. "So, Valentina," she asks bravely. "How bad is it?"

Valentina lets out a low whistle of appreciation. "It's not pretty, but I've seen worse."

Kate smiles up at the woman, no doubt surprising her. This is the first time she's voluntarily spoken to any of the bevy of medical staff in days. "Do you think I can try less painkillers today?"

Valentina shakes her head. "I'll speak to the doctor, Detective. But don't count on it."

"Okay. And Kate. It's just Kate, okay?"

Jim visits again, coming in at nine, and today Kate's not entirely unhappy to see him. He hasn't come empty handed this time either, and he hands his daughter an envelope after he kisses her on the cheek. "What's this?"

"Open it."

She does so, revealing a dozen photographs, family snaps, all of them.

"You might be here another week. Figured the least I could do was brighten up the place a little."

"Another week?" _Crap_. Kate hadn't realised quite how long she was going to be between these four walls.

"Haven't you been listening?" It's rhetorical, because her father knows she really, really hasn't been. "Best case scenario, you're out of her in another four days. Which you would know, if you'd listen to your doctor, or your doctor boyfriend."

Kate shrugs. "He was here this morning. Josh, I mean." She pauses, before confessing. "I had a nightmare."

"Hardly surprising, is it?"

"Guess not," she mumbles.

"What's really going on, Katie?"

Kate just shakes her head. "Thanks for the pictures." She turns back to them. "Are these yours, or did you get them from my place?" she asks.

"Mine." She imagines him at his apartment, prying the photographs from the plastic pockets of the albums her Mom had put together so lovingly each year. She flips through them, but can't look past the first few without a clenching in her chest that has nothing to do with the gunshot wound she's recovering from.

"Have you been to my place?"

"I have." He pauses, and Kate thinks she knows what's coming. If he's been to her place, he's probably seen the murder board. Shame stings her cheeks at the very idea. She usually closes it when she's done, but she just has a nagging suspicion that this time she might not have. She'd been looking at it the morning of Roy's funeral, going through it all, when Castle arrived.

Castle. Unbidden, his face flashes before her eyes again, and she sighs.

"Katie- you have to let this go," Jim tells her.

"Let what go?"

"This- vendetta. All of it. Just let it go. Forgive Rick. Call him. He misses you."

"Forgive _Rick_?"

Her father nods uncertainly.

"I miss him," she whispers, and closes her eyes again. "I want to sleep now, Dad."

She spends the afternoon alone, assuming that Josh will come in again, between patients, and that he might stay and eat dinner with her. Ugh. All this eating, she thinks. She knows her body is healing, but she fuels her body in order to work out, stay in shape, and not being able to move further than this room is killing her. She thinks if she'd been listening better to the doctors she'd have a clearer idea of when she could expect to be able to work out again.

She misses Castle, so much. He shouldn't see her like this, she thinks. She's let him down, let their Captain down, let the whole family down, and she's the last thing Castle needs. He needs to get on with his own life, leave her to this on her own. She remembers them fighting in her apartment, and kicking him out, and then demanding the Captain make him leave.

She remembers the Captain told her he'd kick Castle out, if that was what she wanted, and the realisation that had formed deep in her gut as she'd accepted the flask. _She didn't want him gone_. The idea of not seeing Castle every day meant days stretching barren ahead of her, and it's the recollection of the smooth scotch on her tongue that has her shaking.

It's been three days of wishing simultaneously for a lower and higher dose of the painkillers. Three days of ignoring the doctors. Three days of Josh coming in and out, caught between the role of boyfriend and doctor. Three days of worrying faintly, that her health insurance can't possibly be covering all the care she's getting. Her father insists that as a member of the Police Force injured in the line of duty, it's completely covered. He tells her he's gone over all the paperwork for her, and she knows he's lying, but she shakes her head and decides not to call him on his tell.

Altogether it's been five days of lying in the hospital bed, in which Kate has avoided looking at the wounds on her torso whenever the nurses come in to change the dressings. Five days of flinching at skin she wishes wasn't her own and it's been five days of telling herself that Castle will be better off without her. That whatever she thought they might have was over before it began. Alexis needs a father who can be there for her, she tells herself. Martha needs a son who will come home at night.

Kate can't remember why she was so insistent that Castle leave. She doesn't know why she needed to do this alone. She can't remember exactly how she was protecting him by pushing him away. She only knows that she can't do this on her own anymore. Kate doesn't know when visits from both her Dad and Josh translated to on her own. All she knows is she can't do this without Rick anymore.

When Jim comes back after the dinner that she eats alone, she's playing with the cell phone she fished out of the drawer beside her bed. The batteries are drained. Her father asks again if there's anything he can bring in, and this time Kate nods.

"My phone charger."

* * *

**A/N: Thank you all so far for the reads, the follows, the favourites, and especially the reviews. Love them all. (Especially the reviews.) Also, to my co-ficathon writers- I'm so impressed! x  
**


	4. A piece of the action

**each one of us wants a piece of the action**

**you can hear it in what we say, you can see it in what we do **

_Kate can't remember why she was so insistent that Castle leave. She doesn't know why she needed to do this alone. She can't remember exactly how she was protecting him by pushing him away. She only knows that she can't do this on her own anymore. Kate doesn't know when visits from both her Dad and Josh translated to on her own. All she knows is she can't do this without Rick anymore._

_When Jim comes back after the dinner that she eats alone, she's playing with the cell phone she fished out of the drawer beside her bed. The batteries are drained. Her father asks again if there's anything he can bring in, and this time Kate nods._

"_My phone charger."_

* * *

The ringing phone stirs Castle from his slumber, and he blindly gropes for it on his nightstand. He remembers years ago he used to just need to make sure he was up to get Alexis off to school. Once that had been accomplished, the day was his, and he could write, play or sleep at his leisure. Recent years have seen his sleep punctuated with late night and early morning calls from Beckett, and gradually he's become used to keeping odd hours.

The last week has been the worst- the hard hours without the promise of a Beckett smile or grimace, without the assurance that he'd be pushing his partner's buttons mercilessly. At first he'd leapt to his phone every time it rang, always expecting the caller ID to display Beckett's smiling face. Slowly, slowly, he's become accustomed to Esposito or Ryan being at the other end of the line, usually without an update.

Now, at nine in the evening, he answers blindly. "Castle."

There's silence on the other end.

"Castle," he repeats, taking the phone from his ear to see who's calling. He draws in a sharp breath. "Beckett?"

"Hey," comes her quiet reply.

"Hey. Hey, Beckett!"

"Rick?" she asks, and he thinks she sounds smaller and younger than the woman he saw five days before.

"I'm here," he tells her stupidly.

"Will-" she hesitates. "Will you come in and see me in the morning, Castle?"

"I can come now," he tells her. "If you want." He's sleep bleary, can barely see straight, but he will, he'll get up and go to her if she needs him, it's not in question.

"No," she tells him softly, and something catches in her voice. "Just come tomorrow, okay?"

She hangs up, leaving Castle staring at his phone in wonder. He's suddenly wide awake, but he thinks he'll sleep properly tonight, when he goes back to bed. For now, he gets up and strips the sheets, then finds new ones and remakes the bed freshly. He's disgusted with himself, really, for being this person. Being this turned around by a woman- his ex wives each went weeks on end not speaking to him and it never drove him crazy the way the last week has, never bit at his heart the way a fight with Beckett does.

He heads into the en suite bathroom, turning the shower on hard, stripping out of his jeans and t-shirt. He steps into the spray, just standing still for a minute, leaning on the wall and letting it drum onto his back before he soaps up and then rinses off. He stares at himself in the mirror as he towels off, barely recognising the tired face that looks back at him. Wincing, he flips the side lamps on and the overhead light off. Better.

He picks up the jeans and t-shirt and bundles them into the dirty laundry, along with the other clothes that have been lying on the floor for the last few days, since his housekeeper came by most recently, then wraps his towel around his waist and goes back to the bedroom, pulling on clean pyjamas and discarding the towel.

The loft is quiet when he walks through his office into the living room, but not entirely empty. Alexis is reading on the couch, headphones in, and she jumps when he sits beside her.

"Dad! You scared me." She removes her headphones.

"Sorry, sweetie." He sits quietly for a moment, looking at his daughter. "Are you okay?" He thinks she's been withdrawn this last week, but perhaps that's just been him.

She shrugs. Perhaps not. "It's been a pretty scary week," she says at last, her eyes wide. He sighs and leans in to pull her to him.

"I'm sorry, Alexis. I really am."

"It could have been you, Dad. You could have been shot. You were so close, and when you pushed Beckett down- what if the guy had just kept shooting?"

Castle shakes his head. "I don't know, honey."

Alexis pulls back and meets his eyes. "Why are you doing this? Why can't you just- write books. The way you used to?"

Castle rubs his face. Huh. Stubble. Way too much stubble. He'll have to shave tomorrow, before he goes in to see Beckett. "You know why, Alexis. I was miserable. You were miserable. Heck, I think even Gram was miserable. Over the years- I partied too hard. You know that. This- doing this, helping Beckett- even when it's _not_ helping Beckett- it's worth it, it really is.

"It? Or her?"

"Both?"

"But she still won't see you?"

"Hey." Castle's voice is sharp. "Beckett's not the enemy here, Alexis. She's- I don't know what she is, okay? I am going in to see her tomorrow, and she's not the enemy."

"Geez, Dad. I know, okay."

"Okay. So. What are you reading?" Alexis holds out her book. "Tolstoy? Seriously?"

The lights are low, but he could swear his daughter is blushing. "Beckett was telling me about it a while ago. We were talking about Russian literature, and American literature, and she- she gave me this."

Huh. Okay. His mind is officially blown, because he did not know that Alexis had even seen Beckett recently, let alone discussed literature with her, or borrowed a book.

"Anyway, it's not quite _War and peace_ and I can't exactly read it in Russian like Beckett, but I like it. It's a challenge."

"Yeah." Wait, what? He knows Beckett studied abroad, but he didn't know her Russian was good enough to read the entirety of _Anna Karenina_ in its original. He prides himself on knowing her so well, but maybe she was right when she told him he didn't know her.

He kisses Alexis on the forehead, and stands up, stretching. "Would you like a hot chocolate?"

"Sure. Thanks." Alexis wraps her headphones around her iPod and follows Castle into the kitchen, taking the milk from the fridge while he takes the chocolate from the pantry, and sitting at the counter as he combines the two then heats them. It's not okay yet- nothing is- but he's seeing Beckett in the morning, and he's making hot chocolate with his daughter, so he figures it's a start.

* * *

When Kate wakes in the morning, it's to the sound of her own screams for the second day in a row.

She looks over to the chair where Josh was yesterday, expecting it to be empty- he'd never come back yesterday- but is surprised to see her boyfriend in it. She's surprised, too, by the jarring ache she feels when she realises that Josh isn't the first person her mind goes to, not the person she wants to see in the chair by a long shot.

"Are you okay?" he asks her, but there's no particular kindness to his question, which surprises her as she struggles to catch her breath. This is almost the worst thing she's gone through in her life, second only to her mother dying, and she knows how relationships can be ripped apart by things like this. But she likes Josh. She does, she really does. It's just- he doesn't know her, and if the look on his face is any indication, he doesn't really want to.

"I'm okay," she lies.

"I thought I'd come in again- I haven't been here long," Josh tells her. "Do you remember what you were dreaming?"

Kate shakes her head. "No- maybe- yes, maybe the Captain?"

"Do you remember what you were screaming?" There's a cool look in his eyes that she can't avoid, much as she wants to look away.

Kate shrugs. "I didn't know I was screaming something… specific," she says at last.

"His name, Kate. You were screaming his name."

"Montgomery?"

Annoyance passes over Josh's face, and he sighs. "No, Kate."

"Not- okay… who then?" Any remnant of the nightmare is fading fast, and Kate doesn't know, anymore, whether it really was about the Captain or not.

Josh rolls his eyes. "Who do you think, Kate? Castle- you kept screaming Castle's name." Her boyfriend stands up and walks to the door.

"Josh!" Kate's desperate, somehow, that he stay. "Josh- stay. I can't- I don't know what I'm saying. What I'm doing- I just don't know."

"Do you love him, Kate?" Josh has turned back around, and the question stuns her out of her panic.

"Do I- _God_- Josh. What kind of question is that?" Just like that her panic is crushed by anger. "Josh- you're my boyfriend. How can you ask that?"

"Then let me ask you this- do you love me?"

She shakes her head in confusion. "Josh- why are you asking me this? I thought- I don't know what I thought." _That they were okay_. That's what she wanted to say. But it would be a lie, they haven't been okay, not for a long time.

Josh leans against the wall by the door, staring at her. "At first it seemed like a good thing, that we were both so busy, you know? It seemed like it gave us the opportunity to take things slow, not get too involved. And you know, one of the things that attracted me to you was your… passion. Your ambition. But- I don't know Kate. You use your job as an excuse, a reason to keep me at arms length."

Kate's heart sinks.

"So- again- I have to ask you, Kate- do you love me?"

Kate can only stare at him.

"I have my answer, don't I?"

"Josh- it's five in the morning- it's-" Kate hesitates. She's clutching at straws, no idea why. Like Josh is a lifeline. "I'm sorry," she trails off. Her boyfriend- if that's what he still is- shrugs and opens the door, sliding into the hospital corridor and closing the door behind him with a soft click that speaks of finality and quiet despair, leaving Kate alone with her thoughts.

She likes Josh, she really does. And like he'd just said, much like she'd said to Castle months ago, they'd been drawn to each other's passionate natures, ambitions and drive. But two people, each with a foot out the door can't make a relationship, and when Kate had gone home with Josh after being trapped in the freezer she'd known she was making a mistake.

Still, she's tried. She's wanted it to work. It's been easier, this year, showing up to work each day knowing she has a boyfriend to go home to. A safety net, or a barrier between Castle and herself, because whatever attraction was there- watching him walk away with Gina last year was a nightmare she's wanted to push to the far recesses of her mind.

But Castle- what does that even mean, that she was screaming his name? Kate doesn't remember the dream, and she doesn't know whether the anxiety in her throat is from the dream or the fight with Josh. She wants Josh to come back- she wants to have been able to answer his questions. Better still, she wants him to have not asked the questions. If only there was no reason to ask those questions. It's not just LA she hid from him- Josh doesn't know that she and Castle shared an undercover kiss- and wow. That kiss.

It had been fraught with danger, but- amazing. Kate had been prepared to go home that night, tell Josh everything- confess the kiss, explain it away as undercover work- because it wasn't cheating, it wasn't. Kate doesn't cheat, never has, never wants to. But something had stopped her- she'd been unable to lie to herself, even in her head. Much as she'd wanted to justify the moment, assure herself it was meaningless- well, it wasn't. Just thinking about it now has Kate blushing, and she's struck by the absurdity of the situation. It's five in the morning and she's alone, wide awake after a fight with her boyfriend,in a hospital bed, trying to recover from a gunshot wound, agonising about whether or not she should feel guilty about a kiss that had occurred months ago.

Kate sighs, rolling over as much as she can, and trying in vain to get comfortable in the thin hospital bed. She misses her own bed, her own place. She misses her friends. She misses Castle. Kate falls asleep again, a half smile on her lips as she realises he promised to come today.

* * *

The light knock at the door stirs Kate from her slumber, and she opens her eyes, expecting yet another nurse- she could swear they've taken her blood pressure more often this morning than all the other mornings combined, and she thinks she'll claw the eyes out of the next person who touches her.

Instead, it's Castle, standing awkwardly in the doorway, his button down shirt freshly pressed, and Kate's first instinct is to fly her hands up to her hair- still in yesterday's braid, and he looks _good_, and she wants to cry, hating herself just a little for even caring how she looks at a time like this.

"Beckett?"

"I'm a mess," she tells him, apologetically, and he cocks his head at her, giving her a strange look that she can't quite interpret.

He just raises an eyebrow, and steps closer to her, holding out a coffee, which she takes. "Your usual," he tells her quietly.

"How do you even know I'm allowed to have caffeine?" she asks. _God_. What is wrong with her. He's _here_, and it's all she wanted for the last five days, and what- her response is to attack?

But Castle just blinks, and shakes his head before smiling and sitting down beside her. "I can't imagine you without coffee would do anyone any favours," he smiles, and she wants to glare at him for laughing at her- she tries to, she really does, but a chuckle escapes. He grins back until she grimaces. "Laughing hurts, huh?" he asks soberly.

She nods, still wincing. "Everything hurts," she admits. She looks at him a little more closely, and realises he looks tired. She wonders just how much sleep he's had over the last few days, whether every spare second has been down at the precinct with the boys.

He doesn't say anything, just regards her for a moment as she takes an appreciative sip of the coffee. "Why wouldn't you be allowed to have coffee? Did your doctor say something?"

She shakes her head even as he reaches for his phone, no doubt intent on googling the effects of caffeine on gun shot wound victims. "No. It's nothing. It's fine. I can have caffeine."

He puts the phone away, then, and leans into her. "Are you okay, Beckett? Because- I kind of thought for a few days there that you weren't going to call and I wouldn't see you until you got back to the precinct after the summer."

Kate bites her lip, shrugs. "I needed some time, Castle. I needed to be alone- I-" she hesitates, not sure what to say. How much to spill, how much of her soul she should bare. How much she can bare. "I need- I do need time, Castle. I need to be alone, but- yeah. I did want to see you. I didn't like where we left things." She quiets, turning back to the coffee and valuing every sip. She raises the paper cup at Castle. "This is good. Thank you."

"That's why you really called, isn't it? You wanted me for my coffee- I'm not sure if I should feel offended or grateful." He chuckles again, and she's grateful for the levity. Castle stands again, checking out the room. "Your view's pretty crappy," he tells her. "But I guess you can't even see it from the bed."

She shrugs. "At least I have a window. And my own room."

He nods. "Yeah, I can't imagine a caffeine free Beckett would be any fun for anyone unlucky enough to have to share with you."

Kate wants to stick her tongue out at him, but she settles for rolling her eyes.

"What's this?" Castle's picked up the _Patterson _on the side table.

"Relax," she tells him. "My Dad brought me some things."

"Good. I'll bring you the good stuff next time."

"Sure. Thanks." Kate purses her lips at him, and he grins.

"I'm serious, Kate. I'll bring you the whole collection. After all, you're a one writer girl, right?"

She closes her eyes. She's missed this. The banter, the _fun _that he brings with him. "I don't think that means I'm never allowed to read anyone else's work ever again," she tells him.

He opens his mouth, no doubt to tell her that no, he'd prefer she didn't read anyone else's books, but a nurse comes in to take her vitals again. Eliza. She had this nurse yesterday, a young blonde woman. "Should I go?" Castle asks, and she can hear in his voice that he doesn't want to.

"No- just- wait on the other side of the curtain, okay?"

The nurse draws the curtain around the bed, and smiles at Kate. "Your boyfriend is worried, huh?" She's just making small talk, Kate knows that, but she clenches her jaw when she realises the nurse means Castle, not Josh. Huh. She'd figured the whole hospital would have known she was dating Josh, all the other nurses had teased her and she'd seen the signs of envy in a few of them. Evidently Josh is popular here.

Kate just sighs, but Castle pokes his head around the curtain, covering his eyes as he does so. "Not her boyfriend," he announces, and Kate wonders why that stings. _Damn_. She's getting more messed up by the minute.

"Get _back_ around the other side of that curtain," she hisses, and he does so, grinning.

Eliza is quick, her fingers deft as she unwraps the bandage and checks the wound. "Already looks better, don't you think?"

Kate nods. It looks awful.

"It's good," Eliza assures her. "I know it looks bad, but see- no infection, no nothing." She rewraps Kate in fresh bandages, and takes her blood pressure, smiling as she records the figures on Kate's chart. "Bad morning?" she asks.

"No- why?"

Eliza shakes her head. "No, nothing. Just these numbers here- looks like you were a bit stressed when they looked in at you this morning."

"Nightmares," she offers quietly, hoping Castle's wandered off far enough to not be able to hear this exchange.

Eliza nods, and sweeps the curtain back, revealing Rick with his ear to the curtain.

"Nightmares?" he asks. She doesn't want to have this conversation. Not here, not now, probably not ever.

She's quiet for a moment, counting to ten in her head, because she just got Castle back, and if she says anything right now, it will be to ask him to leave- it's on the tip of her tongue to kick him out then and there. Instead, she exhales slowly, and nods. "I don't remember them," she says, cutting him off before he can ask about them.

"Okay," he says, looking at her with that funny look of concern again, that has her heart in knots and her stomach in her mouth. "Okay," he says again, and he sits beside her, putting his hand over hers in a way that is all at once too familiar and just not _enough_.

* * *

Castle leaves after the lunch trays come around. He watches Kate pick at her lunch, and eventually she glares at him. "Go. Don't you have someone else to annoy? Maybe Alexis? Go see if your daughter needs someone to stare at her while she eats."

He laughs, and leans in, and she wishes he would brush his lips upon her cheek. Instead he squeezes her hand and smiles. "It was good to see you, Detective."

Kate flinches. She doesn't feel much like a detective at the moment, doesn't feel much like Beckett either. "You too, Castle," she mumbles, not meeting his eyes.

"When can I come back?" he asks, when he reaches the doorway, and she shrugs.

"Maybe- maybe tomorrow. Maybe." She bites her lip. "I'll call you, okay?"

He leaves with a smile that looks a lot like a promise. "Until tomorrow, Kate."

Kate stares at her tray of food a little longer, picking at it for a bit until she pushes it away with a sigh. Castle brought her coffee- she should ask him to bring her a burger next time. Castle. She feels like a teenager- completely out of control- but somehow glad, and she settles back into her pillows and falls soundly asleep,

Josh comes back in during the afternoon. Kate's awake again, and feeling more rested than she has in days. She's surprised to see Josh, in a way. She hasn't given him any thought since Castle was mistaken for her boyfriend, and their fight floods back to her.

"Hi."

"Hey." He leans in to kiss her, almost automatically, and she supposes it has become a habit. She lets him, but flashes to the memory of Castle's mouth on hers, months before, and she ducks away so Josh can only peck her cheek rather than meet her lips. "So- I heard Castle came by before."

She shrugs. "He's my _partner_, Josh. He gets to be here."

"Shouldn't I be that person? Your partner?"

"It's not like that- he's my work partner."

"But he's not, Kate. If it was just a work thing, I'd be okay with it. I would," he insists. "But it's more than that, and you know it. You keep screaming his name-"

"Once," she interrupts him.

"More than once," he retorts. "The last two days, and yeah, after LA too, for that matter. You dreamt something then, and I heard you talking in your sleep-"

Wow. Kate's stunned. She had no idea her subconscious was betraying her like this. "So what if I have nightmares? I'm with you, Josh- what does any of this even matter?"

"So _what_? He's your partner, the one you jump into things with? He's the person who gets to work at your side, see you day in, day out. Tell me this, Kate- did he know you were going to LA to avenge your ex-boyfriend?"

Kate ducks her head and averts her eyes. "I didn't ask him too, but he- Castle- came with me," she whispers at last.

"Fuck!" Josh's curse makes her jump, and she looks up in time to see him smack at open hand at the wall. "Shouldn't I- I should be that person, Kate. The one who runs to LA with you, the one who you jump into things with." He shakes his head. He looks angry, but not _furious_, she thinks. Defeated, maybe, and very tired. Well, that makes two of them. Exhaustion is rolling over her like a wave, and sitting upright in the bed is taking a lot more effort than she'd like.

She can only nod, a lone tear spilling over and rolling down her cheek. Finally she whispers. "You should be. But you're not. Josh- do _you_ love _me_?"

The question surprises him, she thinks. "I- I think I could, you know. If you let me. If you'd let me in. You know, it's _his_ fault you're even here, Kate. That's why you were shot, why Montgomery was killed. He pushed you into this whole thing, started it all. If he hadn't been messing with you in the first place, you wouldn't even be here."

"You're wrong. But you're also right. I wouldn't know who killed my Mom." Kate shrugs. "I can't explain it."

Josh is watching her, with what? Sympathy? "I thought it was cute, at first," he tells her. "A writer following you around. I thought it was kind of cool, that you'd inspired an entire series of books- but now- I just think- we never had a chance, did we?"

And Kate can only shake her head. "I'm not sure," she admits. "Maybe not."

Josh sighs, leans in to her again and kisses her on the forehead. "Take care, Kate." She watches him walk toward the door, and he pauses and leans against the door frame. "I really do wish you all the best," he says at last. The look in his eyes is kind of familiar. He looks- Kate thinks he looks like she felt when Will left her. Sad and tired, yes. But heartbroken? No.

"You too," she whispers. The tears trickle down properly after he leaves, but it's more cathartic than anything else. She feels relieved. Like she's taken the first step in living one less lie.


	5. Negotiate with chaos

**we negotiate with chaos**

**for some sense of satisfaction**

**if you won't give it to me**

**at least give me a better view**

* * *

_Josh is watching her, with what? Sympathy? "I thought it was cute, at first," he tells her. "A writer following you around. I thought it was kind of cool, that you'd inspired an entire series of books- but now- I just think- we never had a chance, did we?"_

_And Kate can only shake her head. "I'm not sure," she admits. "Maybe not."_

_Josh sighs, leans in to her again and kisses her on the forehead. "Take care, Kate." She watches him walk toward the door, and he pauses and leans against the door frame. "I really do wish you all the best," he says at last. The look in his eyes is kind of familiar. He looks- Kate thinks he looks like she felt when Will left her. Sad and tired, yes. But heartbroken? No._

"_You too," she nods. The tears trickle down properly after he leaves, but it's more cathartic than anything else. She feels relieved. Like she's taken the first step in living one less lie. _

* * *

Alexis hasn't wanted to let her father out of her sight, but it hasn't worked out that way. He's been getting home late and leaving well before she's up and in spite of how much she needs him, he hasn't been there. Whenever she's seen him in the last week he's either been on his way to or from the precinct, or otherwise in a restless sleep on the couch. The night before yesterday, making hot chocolate together had been a relief- like having her Dad back. She is fuming as she considers Detective Beckett, though. What's so special about the woman, anyway? And when was her Dad going to learn? She's sorry for what happened to Detective Beckett, she truly is, but she can't quite get a handle on just how much of an impact this is having on her father.

This morning her father had woken up at a decent hour- eight or so- and Alexis was already dressed. He looks like he slept, too. The look on his face is less haunted and he's even clean shaven so whatever happened yesterday has obviously brought him some measure of relief.

"I'm coming in to the precinct with you," she'd announced to her father, handing him his coffee in a travel mug, and then picking up her purse as he took his coat from the cupboard. She hoped he wouldn't ask her why because she couldn't quite explain it. But this had been her father's life for the last three years and she wanted to try and understand.

He'd looked at her and hesitated, and she thought he was going to tell her to stay at home, but instead he nodded. "Sure, pumpkin. Come on."

They'd travelled down the elevator in silence, Rick pulling her in for a hug when they stepped out of the elevator in the basement car park, and then driving them to the precinct in the SUV, parking it smoothly and leading the way up to homicide.

"Little Castle," Esposito turns from Lanie- Alexis is grateful to see her, since the last time she saw the ME was at the hospital- and greets her with a smile. She doesn't miss the appraising look Esposito gives her father, or the relief in his eyes as he takes the taller man in. "What brings you in today?"

Alexis shrugs. "Just wanted to spend some time with my Dad."

"I think I've got something-" Ryan's voice calls from across the floor, and both men turn to see what he's got for them. Alexis waves her father off reluctantly, and leans against Detective Beckett's desk.

Her thoughts turn to her mother, and then to Gina and the other women her father has dated over the years. She was never supposed to know about Sophia (she was never supposed to know about any of them, but she'd figured it out pretty early on) and she'd hated the CIA agent silently, blaming the woman for turning her father's head and not letting him just be. Starting with Meredith leaving, her Dad had gone down seemingly thousands of rabbit holes.

Gina had been a fresh start, and Alexis had liked her. She'd been nine when her Dad had met Gina, and nothing had really changed between her father and herself- Gina had been more like another roommate, or like her grandmother even, in terms of household dynamic, as far as Alexis was concerned. Another person, but certainly not someone who had come in between Alexis and Rick. Gradually, though, Alexis had seen the relationship disintegrate, and she and Gina had never really spoken about it. In fact, until the last summer when her Dad had resumed dating her ex-stepmother, Alexis had rarely even been in a room alone with the woman- something that had never struck her as strange until now.

And now Kate. God. Alexis had loved Kate- Detective Beckett- in the beginning. She'd seemed so different to any of the other women who'd turned her father's head. Intellectually, Alexis knows that what her father told her is true- Kate Beckett is not the enemy, she's the friend who lends her books, and always has a sympathetic ear for Alexis' complaints about her father's childish antics.

"I just- I guess I'm scared." Alexis finds herself spilling her heart to Lanie, who nods sympathetically.

Alexis doesn't know what she expected. She has somehow found herself sitting at Beckett's desk while Lanie takes residence on what she knows to be her father's chair. Her father is crowded around with Esposito and Ryan and they're viewing surveillance tapes. Alexis is no expert, but it sounds like a bit of a long shot to her- the traffic cams are few and far between around the cemetery and they just don't know what they're looking for. Still- she appreciates the way the three men are so committed to Detective Beckett.

"They're her brothers, Alexis- her family." Lanie follows Alexis' gaze. "Well- Ryan and Esposito, anyway," she considers, and looks quizzically at Alexis. "You probably know better than I do, just what your father is." There's no question to her tone, so Alexis knows she's not expected to answer. There's no judgement either, and the teenager is grateful.

Alexis nods, picking up the chain of elephants on Beckett's desk, and examining them. "I don't know," she shrugs. "Anything could have happened- and she didn't even speak to him for a week." She feels like a bitch, complaining to Kate's _best friend_ about Kate's actions after she was shot, but the words tumble out. "He could have been shot, and she doesn't even call- for a whole week?" The outburst comes out a little louder than she'd expected, and she gets a warning look from her father.

"I know, sweetie." Lanie's tone is sympathetic, and Alexis swallows hard.

She lowers her voice so Castle can't hear her. "I- you must think the worst of me, Doctor Parish. I know- Detective Beckett's been hurt, and I'm only worried about my Dad- but-"

Lanie cuts her off, resting a hand on Alexis' wrist. "Alexis Castle. Don't apologise to _me_ for worrying about your _father_." The ME takes a deep breath. "As for Kate- she'll come around. She needs time- it's not just your Dad she kept hanging- heck, Javi and I are still waiting to hear from her. So's Kevin. I'm just glad she had the sense to call your Dad."

Alexis nods, and averts her eyes again, focusing on the desk in front of her and this time picking up one of the smaller elephants.

Lanie sighs. _Kate_, she thinks. _Damn it, Kate_. _Just call us. Let us in. Let us help you._ She's worried about Alexis, and she looks up, catching Castle's eye. He smiles at her, and she smiles back, before leaning back and closing her eyes. She needs to get out of here. There are bodies waiting for her in the morgue, and she's already mentally bracing for Perlmutter's tongue lashing when she eventually makes her way back there, but if she's been able to help Alexis at all she's glad she'd decided to come in to the precinct with Javi first.

* * *

Kate picks up her phone, debating. When she had switched it on for the first time in almost a week, she'd been overwhelmed- accusing tones had alerted her to several voicemails and about twenty texts. She'd ignored them all, but now she wonders if maybe she should check them out. Not the voicemails- she doesn't want to know- but the texts. She dials in to her voicemail first, deletes them all en masse with the press of a shaky fingertip without listening to them. Time for the text messages. She goes through them person by person- Castle left two. Oh. And one of them is from yesterday afternoon, around three. She'd obviously missed the tone when she was talking -_breaking up_- with Josh. It's a simple text, but it makes her smile. _Until tomorrow, Kate. _

Lanie, on the other hand, has not been quite as restrained. _Call me, Kate_, _I'm worried about you_, _I miss you_ and _I'm thinking of you _were just some of the variations of the twelve messages from her friend. Kate smiles wryly. She'll text Lanie later, she thinks. Looking at the texts has her feeling overwhelmed and glad she deleted the voicemails without listening to them.

There are another couple of texts too- she actually laughs out loud as she realises that one is a reminded text- _Reminder- your next dentist appointment is on 18 May 2011 at 2pm._ Huh. Well. She'll have to reschedule- getting shot evidently trumps teeth cleaning, and she's smiling at the ridiculousness of the mundane. A message from Ryan just requests that she call him- there's nothing from Espo, but she's not surprised. Apart from the occasional dirty message he sends Lanie (he'd kill her if he knew Lanie had shared them) she knows he's not much of one for sending texts.

Kate opens the last unread with some trepidation. Alexis. She's not sure exactly what to expect from the girl, but they're not close, and it's been a long time since Alexis confided in her during the early days of Castle following her around. They've had a few passing conversations about study and literature in recent weeks, but she's had the distinct impression lately that Alexis isn't quite comfortable with all the changes that are taking place in her life. The girl's own demeanour, combined with a few of the things Castle has said, have her on high alert where the teenager is concerned, and she thinks that if she were in Alexis' position, she wouldn't be too impressed if she stopped to think about the dangers inherent in the life of a cop and a cop's shadow. Still. The message- sent the day before yesterday, after she'd called Castle- is short and sweet. _I hope you're okay, love Alexis x_. Kate wants to cry.

A knock at the door startles her from her contemplation. She's almost expecting Rick, but she smiles when she sees her Dad.

"Katie," he greets her, smiling.

"You didn't come yesterday." The first words out of her mouth are an accusation, and she regrets them the moment they leave her lips.

He shakes his head. "I did, actually- but you were asleep- really asleep, I mean. I sat here for more than an hour."

"Oh." Kate bites her lip.

"It was nice to see you looking so peaceful," Jim says, sitting down in the chair beside the bed. "How are you feeling?"

Kate rolls her eyes. "Like I'm going to go stir crazy in these four walls." She wrinkles her nose. "It's seriously horrible here, Dad."

He nods in agreement. "Have you given any thought to where you're going to go when you get out of here?"

"My place?" she shrugs. "I hadn't- I mean, I just assumed my place."

"I was thinking of going to the cabin for the summer," Jim says. "Thought you might like to keep me company. If you wanted to."

Kate nods. "Maybe. Yeah, maybe. That sounds nice."

There's another tap at the door, and Jim and Kate both look up. "Rick." Jim stands and shakes Castle's hand, and Kate rolls her eyes at the wide smile on her father's face

"Jim." Castle nods back. "Beckett." His smiles crinkles his eyes.

"Well. That's my cue." Jim shuffles awkwardly.

"You don't have to leave," Kate assures him.

"No, stay, Jim," Castle adds, but Jim shakes his head, waving behind him.

"Think about the cabin, Katie. Getting out of the city might do you good."

"The cabin?" Castle raises his eyebrows as he sits in the chair just vacated by Jim.

Kate sighs. "My Dad has a cabin. Upstate. I'm thinking of going up there when I get out of here. For the summer- get out of the city." She shrugs, and he sees the flash of pain across her face.

"Are you okay?"

"Just a twinge," she glares at him.

"Are you- set on the cabin?"

"What?" The look she gives him is confused. "I don't know. Why?"

It's Castle's turn to shrug awkwardly. "Well- I don't know. I just- can your Dad take that much time off work?"

"What?"

Kate's staring at him, and his words tumble out- inelegant and messy. "The Hamptons- I mean- if you wanted to get out of the city. Or my place, here, the loft. If you didn't. I just mean- I can write anywhere."

"The Hamptons? With you?"

Castle wants to backpedal, but he won't, he stands his ground. "Yes. With me. I can look after you when you get out of here."

Kate just shakes her head. "I don't know," she tells him, and then off his look, she softens. "I'll think about it, okay? I have a lot to think about."

Castle nods. "Okay. That's all I ask."

Kate's lunch tray comes in, and she grimaces at the food. "It's gross," she tells him, a whine in her voice that evidently amuses him, if the smirk on his face is anything to go by.

"Do you want me to bring you some better food next time?"

She nods, almost shyly. "Maybe a burger?"

* * *

"So you're back in the land of the living, are you kiddo?" Martha's voice floats across the living room as she descends the stairs, and Castle blinks. Sometimes he thinks every outfit is worse than the one before it- the airy blue green piece she's in at the moment makes Kate's hospital gown look the height of fashion.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Mother," he claims, but he kisses her on the cheek as she draws close to him, before stirring the bolognese sauce again.

"Lasagna or spaghetti?" she asks, pouring herself a generous glass of wine before offering one to Castle, tipping her glass to Alexis, who grimaces, and sips at her own water deliberately.

"Lasagna," Alexis tells her, before Rick can answer. "Dad bought this great pasta machine a few weeks ago, so we're going to make our own lasagna sheets." She wipes a floury hand across her forehead and goes back to rolling the dough out, cranking the handle on the machine and pushing the pasta through.

Martha raises her eyebrows. "It looks… chaotic," she announces theatrically, sitting beside Alexis, and the teenager grins. "And it looks like hard work."

"Kind of." Alexis wrinkles her nose. "But I think it's working." She messes with the settings on the machine, turning the knob to create thinner sheets.

"So- what have you both been up to today? You were both gone at the crack of dawn."

Rick shakes his head. "We left at eight- hardly the crack of dawn, Mother."

She scoffs. "_I_ got in at nine, and you were both gone- it sounds like an early morning to me."

"So you're saying you're disappointed that we missed your walk of shame- again?" Alexis studiously avoids her grandmother's eyes as her father admonishes Martha.

"Yes, well." The older woman waves her hand dismissively. "These things happen." She takes another sip of her rapidly emptying wine glass, and eyes Rick. "Did you go into the hospital again today?"

"As a matter of fact, I did," he tells her, and Alexis can't help but notice the shine that comes into her father's eyes. He's animated again, already nothing like the shadow of the man he'd been for the last week.

"And how is Beckett?"

Rick considers for a moment. "Better, I think. I mean, I spoke to Jim a few days ago, and it sounded like she wasn't doing too well, but she's seemed fairly good when I've been there. Climbing up the walls, a little, but otherwise okay." He chuckles. "Actually- there's something I wanted to talk to you both about- I kind of asked Beckett to come to the Hamptons- you know, in case she wants to get out of the city over the summer? You two could come too?" He winces, expecting an unfavourable reaction, but Alexis just shrugs.

His mother, on the other hand, sighs dramatically. "Richard, really."

"What?" He meets her eyes, daring her to share her opinion.

"Is that really wise? I mean-" and she glances at Alexis here, whether for support or to shield his daughter, he's not sure- "Darling, I know how you feel about her- and _you_ know how you feel about her- it took you long enough, I know-"

"Everyone knows how you feel about Beckett," Alexis interjects, and Rick shoots her a warning look reminiscent of the glare he'd given her this morning, but his heart isn't in it.

Martha continues as though Alexis hasn't spoken. "But Richard, the woman has a boyfriend- wouldn't it be better if she spent the summer with him?"

He shrugs. "Maybe." He stares into the bolognese sauce, and turns the gas jets off, stirring absently. "She doesn't love him," he says finally, a note of sadness in his voice. "I'd- I don't know- step back, or something, if she did."

"Pasta is done," Alexis announces, proudly holding out the long sheets, and Castle's glad for the change of subject and he smiles.

"Then let's get this in the oven." He places the ceramic oven dish in front of Alexis, and they alternate laying the pasta sheets and covering them with the sauce. He sprinkles the grated mozzarella over the top with a flourish and places the whole thing in the oven.

When the lasagna is cooked the three of them sit around the table for the first time in over a week, and Martha refills Richard's glass and then her own. "Well, cheers."

"If Beckett wants to come to the Hamptons that's okay with me," Alexis says suddenly, deliberately focusing on the dish in front of her. "I mean- if it matters what I think."

She ducks her head as Rick reaches over to sweep the hair out of her face. "Hey. Alexis. Of course it matters what you think."

"Okay. Thanks," she mumbles, but he sees her exhale and visibly relax.

"And how was the precinct?" If Martha's looking for a brighter topic, she's certainly missed the mark, but Castle's glad enough for the modest change of subject.

Castle takes a bite, considering his answer. "It's- different. There's no Captain at the moment, so the boys are working pretty independently. They're working the case between another body that dropped a few days ago, but the leads are unfortunately pretty slim at the moment."

"The traffic camera thing didn't pan out?" Alexis asks, and much as he hated her being in the bullpen this morning, he's oddly pleased by her interest. And glad that she's been able to see that this is impacting on more people than just him, because he's feeling the pressure- his failure as a father is weighing on him all too heavily.

"No." He shakes his head. "I don't think I expected it to- but you know Ryan, he loves combing through all that footage." He chuckles at his own bad joke. He knows Ryan's been saddled with the traffic cams and other lighter tech more than ever since he'd written the speciality into his books- basing Roach on Ryan and Esposito was always more for fun than anything else, a way to let the boys know that it wasn't all about Beckett- even if it was always only about Beckett- but he thinks that they've suffered for his writing too. He's glad, all over again, for the family they've made at the precinct, and he wonders how he's ever going to be able to tie everything together for _Heat Rises_.

* * *

The next week stretches on a little more peacefully. Castle and Alexis have reached an equilibrium and his daughter has been quiet, but not distant. She's met him in the precinct after school twice, and once she met him at the hospital- she'd poked her head around the corner and waved shyly at Beckett. Beckett, for her part, had waved back at his daughter and called out a hello, but she'd been on the cusp of sleep at the time, so he'd just waved a goodbye as well, and exited with his arm around the redhead.

Kate's been letting him visit most days- texting in the mornings ask him to come by, and once messaging to ask him to stay away. She'd texted later that evening asking him to come in, and he'd rushed out of his apartment, getting into the hospital well past visiting hours. The nurses had been hesitant to let him in, downright refusing until Kate herself had made her way out of bed and up the hall to the nurses' station. They'd relented, helping her back to bed, and reluctantly beckoning him to follow. Castle had sat with her for twenty minutes or so in silence, holding her hand as she fought back tears, until she eventually asked him to leave.

Now, she's supposed to be discharged tomorrow, and Castle's been forced behind the curtain repeatedly as the nurses and doctors come in and out, making sure she's good to go home. Neither he nor Kate have discussed his offer of the Hamptons since he'd first made the suggestion, and he's afraid to ask, sure she's going to go up to her father's cabin or home with her boyfriend, and that he won't see her for the rest of the summer.

"I messaged Lanie," she tells him, and he nods.

"Good. She's been worried about you."

"You've seen her?"

"Every day," he says. "I've been at the precinct, and she's been there too."

"Lanie? At the precinct?" Kate's frowning.

"Sure," he tells her. "She's worried- I don't think she's been leaving Esposito's side unless she's in the morgue."

"Oh." Kate takes this in quietly.

"She'd like to see you, you know." It's not an admonishment- Castle feels like for every step he takes by spending time with Kate, she takes another two back- she's skittish and so very unlike the woman he's followed around for the last three years.

Kate just nods, and sighs. "Soon. When I get out of here."

"Where's Josh?" he asks eventually. He hasn't seen the man all week. At first he'd put it down to good management on the doctor's part since the last time the two of them spoke they had actually come to blows. And it's not like Rick's been there _that_ often- he comes in daily, but at times has only stayed very briefly, and only seen Kate in five minute bursts before she's asked him to leave.

The first time Kate had asked him to leave had stung. So had the second. And third. And each time he had considered the alternative- not leaving. It was the fact that she literally couldn't make him leave that forced his hand every time, and had him regretfully making his way out the door. As the week has gone by, his visits have become longer little by little, and he's usually had to force himself to leave to make sure he's home in time to have dinner with Alexis.

It was funny, he reflected. On one hand, he felt like they'd never had a particularly physical relationship. Every touch they had shared felt somehow seared into his brain, sacred. He remembers kissing her cheek when they first met, the feel of her breath on his skin as she whispered into his ear after the first case. He remembers holding her hand, comfort more than anything, after Jerry Tyson had left him alive, but somehow broken.

On the other hand, there were the more playful touches, too, that he had never given too much thought to. Uncatalogued affection disguised as annoyance, like the ear twisting. He'd taken those touches in his stride, but they were sorely missing now, and he was keenly aware of their absence.

And now, when she asked him to leave- there was nothing in her that could make him do so. She didn't have the strength to get out of the bed and literally push him to the door the way he had so often propelled his daughter along the hall when she was a pre-teen. So, he's been leaving, when she's asked, he's been speaking when she wants to hear him, and more to the point, he's been shutting up when he's requested to do so.

"Josh?" she asks, finally, when the silence has stretched on for so long that Rick is left wondering whether he had voiced the question at all.

"Josh. Yeah. I just- haven't seen him. Figured he'd be around here more often."

Beckett shrugs, then winces. Every time she makes a movement like that a flash of pain creases her features, just for a millisecond The first few times Castle had made a fuss. Now he pretends he doesn't see it. It's easier that way. If she sees him fuss, she flinches and withdraws. She's quiet for a moment, almost like she's considering.

"I liked him," she says at last. "I really liked him." She bites her lip in one of her trademark looks. At times, she can look so sexy, drawing her lip between her teeth like that. Other times, like now, she just looks young, and vulnerable. "I guess that wasn't enough."

* * *

**A/N: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Next chapter is five short days away... **


	6. Stand in front of the light

**come here**

**stand in front of the light**

* * *

"_Josh?" she asks, finally, when the silence has stretched on for so long that Rick is left wondering whether he had voiced the question at all. _

"_Josh. Yeah. I just- haven't seen him. Figured he'd be around here more often."_

_Beckett shrugs, then winces. Every time she makes a movement like that a flash of pain creases her features, just for a millisecond The first few times Castle had made a fuss. Now he pretends he doesn't see it. It's easier that way. If she sees him fuss, she flinches and withdraws. She's quiet for a moment, almost like she's considering._

"_I liked him," she says at last. "I really liked him." She bites her lip in one of her trademark looks. At times, she can look so sexy, drawing her lip between her teeth like that. Other times, like now, she just looks young, and vulnerable. "I guess that wasn't enough."_

* * *

Castle's not an idiot and he's been in the game long enough to know when an investigation is flagging. They've chased every flimsy lead they have, and everything has led back to more nothing. This is the part where he usually begs off on the less interesting cases, claiming deadlines or inspiration, and hightailing it out of the precinct, reappearing a few days later with a coffee for Beckett and a scoff for the boys about the more boring parts of the job.

"Beckett's being discharged today," he tells the boys over the coffee machine in the break room. He's fighting with the machine at the moment, his fingers fumbling as he tries to get the milk steamer to cooperate _just so_. He hands a cup first to Ryan, who sips it and frowns. "Still cold?" Castle asks ruefully.

Ryan nods. "Want me to get that?" Castle gratefully relinquishes control, stepping back to let Ryan tip the first cup down the sink, then expertly packing fresh coffee grounds into the portafilter and twisting it onto the machine.

"Is she going home?" Esposito asks as he accepts the coffee Ryan hands him.

"No. She's going up to her Dad's cabin- I don't know where it is- somewhere upstate I think?"

Esposito nods. "Yeah- I think she went there a few years ago, for a few days. It's a couple of hours away, I think."

"Are you going to go see her?" Ryan's expression is concerned.

"Thanks." Castle accepts the coffee. "I don't know- she's been okay in the hospital, but I don't know if she'll really want me around when she's out." He shrugs. "She has her Dad, you know."

"And Josh," Ryan says, earning himself a glare from Esposito.

Castle shakes his head. "No. No Josh. They broke up."

"What?" Ryan emits a high pitched squeak that has Espo turning to him with a disgusted look.

"Bro!"

Ryan clears his throat, and asks again. "What?"

"Yeah," interrupts Espo. "What?"

Castle throws his hands up in the air. "That's all I know, I swear."

"Lanie didn't tell me that," Esposito fumes, as though it's Lanie's fault that he's not up to date with Beckett's personal life, and Castle shrugs. He's happy for the details of Espo's relationship with Lanie to stay a mystery- they spend a lot of time together, but he's not convinced they're solid.

"Hate to say it, but she probably didn't tell Lanie." Castle runs a hand through his hair. "She was pretty reluctant about Lanie even visiting, I doubt she would have stayed long."

Ryan's phone chimes, and he answers, hurriedly leaving the break room without a backward glance at Castle or Esposito. "Jenny," Castle states. He doesn't know how Ryan does it- he and Jenny just seem so solid, and he's jealous- he may have been married before, but he thinks there's probably a lot he could learn from Kevin Ryan.

"Jenny," agrees Esposito, before eyeing Castle. "New Captain's coming tomorrow," he says at last. "From IA."

Castle nods. "I heard- Hastings told me someone had been appointed."

"Look, bro-" Esposito hesitates. "If this investigation was going anywhere- I'd say stay. But we've got nothing. Nada. And if Beckett's ended things with Josh-"

"No," Castle interrupts. "No- look-" He doesn't know what he's fighting for, or what he's fighting against, and Esposito gives him a discerning look.

"All I'm saying is you need to keep showing up, man. Beckett needs you and she won't let anyone else in. If she's not going to be in the city, then there's no need for you to be here. If something pops we'll let you know- but I've got a bad feeling about this new Captain, and without any leads I don't know how much more we can do if we want to keep Montgomery out of it."

"Showing up, huh?" Castles muses on the phrase, and Esposito nods.

"Yeah. I know it's something Montgomery said one time. Could be he's right."

"Could be…" Castle sinks down into the chair in the break room. He's been trying not to think about Montgomery. Betrayal by the Captain- more than a decade ago, as it had turned out- had changed everything and they in turn had betrayed him. At least, that was Castle's take on the situation. Roy had messed up early on in his career- wrong place, wrong time- but it had been Castle and Beckett who had let him pay for his atonement with his life.

"I just feel so responsible," Castle says at last. "I mean- dragging Beckett through all this, looking into her Mom's murder."

"You and me both," Esposito sighs, and Castle looks up sharply. "I got you those files. Way back when. I let you have them." He shakes his head. "I shouldn't have been that stupid either." The two men are quiet for a while. Castle takes another sip of his drink, but the bitter taste in his mouth overrides the caffeinated beverage and he stands again, rinsing the cup in the sink and letting the cold water cool his hands.

"Could you go with her to her Dad's cabin?" Esposito's question breaks Castle's train of thought, and he looks up.

"What? No- Actually I asked her if she wanted to come to the Hamptons with me."

"Oh yeah?" Esposito chuckles, and Castle glares at him. "What did she say?"

"That she'd think about it- but she hasn't brought it up again."

Esposito makes another noise that sounds suspiciously like a snort, and pretends to suddenly be very interested the crack on his NYPD mug.

"What?" Castle demands.

"Nothing- it's just- when did Beckett ever bring anything up? And after you invited her to the Hamptons last year and ended up hooking up with your ex-wife, it's probably the last place she wants to go."

"Wait- you know I invited her last year? Shit. And Gina? It's not like Kate ever wanted to come with me- she had plans with Demming…" He trails off on Esposito's look. The other man is shaking his head sadly.

"Hey, no." Espo holds his hand up in a gesture of protest. "You didn't hear this from me- but she broke up with Tom before you even left for the summer."

"What?" Castle's dumbfounded, but before he can ask anything else, Ryan comes back into the break room.

"Hey. Body drop in the Bowery." He looks from Esposito to Castle. "You guys good?"

Espo nods. "Right behind you." He dumps the rest of his coffee in the sink, and glances at Castle. "You coming man?"

Castle shakes his head. "I think I'll sit this one out," he tells them. "I've got some things to do."

* * *

"You're all set," the doctor tells her, and Kate casts him a grateful smile as she take the prescriptions he hands her. "So these-" he points to the first page- "are painkillers. And this one is for the antibiotics- make sure you take the whole course." He looks at her. "Any questions?"

"No." The nurses had gone through the same thing this morning as well as last night. Bandages are a matter of choice now- helpful if her shirt is rubbing on the scars, but otherwise unnecessary.

Her doctor nods at her. "Well, Detective Beckett, it looks like you're in good hands with your father, so, nice as it was to meet you, I hope we won't being seeing you in here again." He takes her hand and shakes it. Kate's always appreciated a strong handshake, but her doctor is suffering from limp fish syndrome, and she extracts her hand from his with a weak smile.

"Got everything?" Jim has a backpack slung over his shoulder- few scant belongings from two weeks in hospital- a couple of sets of pyjamas, and some of Castle's books, and he's looking around the room the way he always did when they stayed in hotels when she was a kid.

He'd check under the bed and behind the night stands, and her mom would roll her eyes at him. Johanna would be standing impatiently at the door, and Kate can remember once- just once- when her father had pulled something from under the bed triumphantly. Her mom had laughed, as he'd proudly displayed the book. "It's not even ours," she'd told him, shaking her head. Jim had screwed his face up in disgust, probably wondering why the hotel room hadn't been cleaned properly between guests. And Johanna had quietly taken the book and tucked it into her purse, and Kate had watched as her mom read _Hell Hath No Fury_ on the beach when they'd arrived in the next town on their trip, and then devour every other one of Castle's books in the following months.

Huh. It had been a long time since she'd thought about that, Kate realises. When Castle had come into her life she'd given it some thought, but she'd become so used to having Castle around that she'd almost forgotten that the reason she read them in the first place was because of her mother.

"Got everything," Kate agrees, picking up her phone and the prescriptions from the night stand, and following him out of the room without another glance behind her.

They catch a cab back to Kate's apartment, her father looking at her apologetically. "I didn't want to drive," he tells her, and she nods.

"No problem." Traffic has never really bothered Kate- sure, she doesn't like it, but traffic in New York has never been a reason to avoid driving, as far as she's concerned. Whether she's behind the wheel of her crown vic, or straddled over her bike, she feels in control no matter the conditions. If she's in her unmarked she can throw the gumball on the roof if she really needs to, or she can weave through the traffic on her Harley. Her father, on the other hand, owns a car but avoids using it unless he's heading upstate, like later today.

They pull up outside Kate's building, and Jim pays the cab driver. "Come on," he urges her, and she steps out of the taxi, eager and hesitant all at once. On one hand she's grateful to have been discharged, and while she's in pain, she's not in the same kind of agony now as she had been during the last fortnight. She's exhausted- at ten in the morning, you're weak, her mind unhelpfully scoffs- but she's upright, and she's free of the four hospital walls and the viewless window. And in jeans. It feels like a victory to be dressed in something other than pyjamas or the hospital gown, even if it hurt to get dressed this morning, fumbling with the buttons on her shirt and breaking into a sweat when she reached down to pull her socks and shoes on. She leans her head back and enjoys a moment of the sun hitting her face before following her dad into her building.

Jim guides Kate into the elevator and she doesn't miss the way his hand hovers too close to her back, ready to catch her if she falls. "I'm fine," she snaps, and he steps back, chastened, but he's edged forward again by the time they reach her floor.

She lets him wrestle with the lock, and unconsciously reaches for her sidearm, cursing under her breath when she realises it's not there. As if she needs to clear the room. She shakes her head and follows her father inside, noting everything looks much the same as it had the morning she'd left for Roy's funeral. Her eyes fall on the couch, the cushions all out of alignment. She'd sat here with Castle, he'd joked about her uniform, and he'd reached out to brush his hand upon her thigh and she'd gotten up, ignored his touch. All just two weeks ago.

Before her father can go too far, Kate makes her way into the study and closes the shutters on her murder board. It feels like she's closing the door on the investigation as well as the light streaming through the mottled glass, and she sighs, resting her head in her hands, and wincing as the pull of the scar makes itself known.

"You okay, Katie?" Her dad has followed her into the study, and she nods, wiping at her eyes furiously. "We don't have to go now, you know," he tells her. "No reason you can't get acclimatised here for a few days before we head upstate.

Kate shakes her head. "No," she says fiercely. "I don't want to stay. Not here."

"Okay." Jim looks around. "Why don't you pack what you need, and we'll get going?"

"Sure. I'll just- throw some clothes together, I won't be long." She walks into her bedroom- slowly, her gait unstable, but she makes it as far as the bed, where she sits for a minute, before standing again and opening her wardrobe. And there they all are. Her dress shirts, her work slacks. Her heels- it hurts, to look at the heels, and know she can't run at all at the moment, let alone after a suspect in a pair of stilettos. And some of the shirts- most of them are professional, appropriate for the office or for running an interrogation. But a few are low cut too, and most are button downs, so she can make them a little sexy too- pop the odd button if she's trying a particular look in the right situation- at that, Kate pauses. Even in her own head she knows that the only time she'd done that recently had been to mess with Castle, and for Castle alone.

Sighing, she opens the drawers instead, tossing clean underwear on the bed, along with a few pairs of jeans, shorts, and a few t-shirts. It's not like there's anyone up at the cabin- chances are, the only person she'll see in the next two months is Jim. She grimaces, suddenly missing her old life with a vengeance. It's going to be a long summer.

* * *

Jim leaves Kate alone when she assures him she'll stay on her couch until he comes back. He's going to catch a cab home, swing by a pharmacy to fill her prescriptions and then drive back to Kate's place to pick her up. The idea of two hours in a car- as a passenger- doesn't do a lot for Kate's feeling of claustrophobia right now, but she figures that will fade when they get upstate. The idea of sitting and reading on the dock at the lake is growing on her.

Kate flips her cell phone around in her hands as she sits there. Castle knows she's being discharged today, and she'd specifically told him not to come into the hospital- she just wanted to get out of there. She hadn't figured on there only being this small window of time between leaving the hospital and heading to the cabin, and she suddenly wants to see him before she goes. Wants to see them all, actually, but she doesn't know if she can quite handle that. Maybe Lanie? She bites her lip as she scrolls through her contacts. Espo, Lanie, Ryan. She scrolls back. Castle. Yeah. Before she can stop herself, she dials, but hangs up before the call connects, her breathing shaky.

It's all coming home to her now, that feeling in the pit of her stomach as Castle walked away with his ex-wife last summer, and she's suddenly gasping for air. _God_. Why did Castle make that offhand remark about the Hamptons? She can't go with him, she can't.

There's a knock at the door, and she sits upright, trying in vain to wipe the tears from her eyes before her Dad comes in. The knock comes again, and she curses. He has her key, so why hasn't he unlocked the door himself? Kate forces herself up and makes her way through to her entrance hall on unsteady feet.

Kate opens the door to find not her father on the other side, but Castle. "Hey," he greets her. He holds up a bunch of bright gerbera daisies. "For you."

"Thanks." She smiles up at him, and takes the flowers, shaking her head.

"Can I come in?" He pokes his head around the door, and she moves aside.

"Sure. Of course."

He steps in cautiously, and she's suddenly struck by just how tall he is- which is stupid, because _of course_ he's tall, it's just that she's usually his equal in heels, and standing here in socks and jeans she feels awfully small. "I missed a call from you," he tells her, concern in his face, and she curses inwardly. _Damn_. That call must have connected. She feels ridiculous now for having hung up.

"Hmm," she says, noncommittally, rather than confess to sitting here like a teenager working up the courage to call. "So…" She trails off, not sure what to say.

"Are you going-" Castle stops, and looks at her, taking the flowers back from her and setting them down on the counter. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah- of course," she lies.

"But- have you been crying?"

She shrugs, and sinks into the sofa, unable to keep standing. "No- just-" Kate shakes her head and points at the flowers. "Can you put those in water for me?"

He nods, and reaches for a jug from the kitchen. "Wait- aren't you going up to your Dad's cabin?"

"Yeah, that's the plan," Kate says. "Why?" She bites her lip, not really knowing whether she wants him to bring up the Hamptons again or not.

"Well- there's no point putting these in water if you're not going to be here to enjoy them," Castle says, and she breathes out slowly.

"Right."

"They'll be fine- in the car, like that, I mean." Castle sits on the sofa next to Kate, and she chuckles. "What?" he asks.

She purses her lips, but a smile creeps out. "I was thinking- we were sitting right here like this just- what- two weeks ago? And I just thought-" She giggles again, and has to catch her breath- "I just thought, it's so weird that you brought me flowers instead of coffee this time- it just seems wrong, you know?" She's really laughing now- which still _hurts_, dammit, but even though it's not really funny at all, she can't stop herself.

Castle must think she's losing it, she guesses, sneaking a glance at him, but he's smiling back at her with a soft look in his eyes. "Yeah," he says, and he stands up, and she wants to tell him to _stay_, right there with her, but she can't find the words. But he's not pacing, or heading to the door, or leaving- or any of the things she was afraid of. Instead, he's striding across the living room and walking around the counter like he belongs right here in this space. He rinses out the coffee pot and finds a fresh filter, before opening the right tin on the first go and spooning coffee grounds into the machine.

Kate closes her eyes, just listening to the steady drip and hiss of the coffee machine, and of Castle rifling around through the kitchen- mugs clinking gently as he pulls them from the open shelf and sets them on the counter. A drawer opens, and then a cupboard.

"Found it!" he exclaims, and she opens her eyes to see him holding vanilla syrup triumphantly. Kate smiles along with him and gratefully accepts the coffee when he hands it to her.

"Thank you," she says. There's more in this small act, played out so often over the last few years, than there is in flowers, and she's wistful, again, for her old life.

They sit in comfortable silence for a while, but Castle's soon tapping his fingers on his thigh, and he catches her staring at the rhythmic movement. "Sorry," he starts, stretches his hand out and stilling. "I was- did you ever think about what I said? In the hospital, about this summer-"

Before he can clarify further, a key clicks softly in the lock and Jim swings the door open. Castle jumps away from Kate as though they'd been making out on the couch like teenagers, rather than drinking coffee at a respectable distance. Kate almost laughs, but she's annoyed now, because she thinks she wanted to know what it was that he was going to say.

"Katie-girl, are you ready-" Jim turns properly and sees Castle, moving forward and extending his hand. "Rick."

"Jim," Ricks nods, standing and shaking the offered hand.

Kate grins wryly. "Ready," she agrees. Castle takes the empty coffee mugs and rinses them in the sink, standing awkwardly in the kitchen.

"I'm parked illegally," Jim says apologetically. "So, Rick, if you wouldn't mind giving us a hand carrying Kate's bags downstairs?"

"My bag's in my room," Kate points. She stands and picks up her flowers on the counter, berating herself for letting Castle go into her room on his own. Things are tense, though getting slowly better, but some things don't change- she's willing to bet he's in some kind of bliss, poking around her bedroom.

Castle surprises her with his speed- he's in and out, and carries her bag out of the apartment while Kate hugs the flowers to her chest protectively. What had he been going to say, she wondered? Had he planned on bringing up the Hamptons again? If only her father hadn't chosen quite that moment to come back- but that was the story of their relationship - _not a relationship_, her brain unhelpfully supplies- mixed signals and fractured starting times.

They make their way down to street level, and Kate gets into the passenger seat of the car. Castle takes the flowers from her and lays them on the backseat after he places her bag in the trunk. He shuts her car door, and she winds down the window, but he steps away instead of toward her when Jim starts the engine, and waves, a look on his face that she can't quite interpret. She curses inwardly when she realises she can't even turn around to see if he's watching them drive away- twisting her torso even a little brings a world of pain at the moment.

"See you in the fall," she mumbles, mostly to herself, and Jim glances at her.

"Are you okay, Katie?"

"Yeah," she says. Kate's lost count of just how many times she's told that lie today, let alone in the last couple of weeks.

"I'm going to try and sleep," she tells him, leaning her head against the headrest and closing her eyes.

When Kate wakes up, she thinks they're only half an hour away from the cabin. Huh- she really slept, if that's the case. They're well out of the city, and she's glad she missed that part of her father's driving- she's nervous in the passenger seat at the best of times, and in spite of the fact that it was Jim, not Johanna, who taught her to drive when she was sixteen, her father's driving is no exception.

"Hey, sweetie," Jim smiles at her, and it's all she can do to restrain herself from snapping at him to keep his eyes on the road instead of looking across at her.

"Hey." Kate stretches as best she can, feeling every muscle protest. She feels like she'll never be whole again, and she reaches into her purse, finding water and her painkillers.

"Sleep well?" Jim asks, and she nods.

They're both quiet. Kate wants to break the silence, and she searches around for a topic. "I broke up with Josh," she blurts out finally, wishing she could take the words back before they've even left her mouth.

To her surprise, her father just nods. "Oh, Kate."

She sighs, surprising herself by tearing up a little. "I wanted to like him, Dad. I really did." Her father reaches out awkwardly, patting her shoulder. _Ten and two_, she wants to cry, but she represses the urge.

"Sometimes these things just aren't meant to be," he says quietly. "But it seems to me that much as you want to be alone right now, you've got the right people in your court."

At that, the tears do flood out, and Kate turns her head, staring unseeingly through the window for the last half hour of the drive to the cabin.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing once again- please do it again! I think I thanked everyone this time through PM or twitter, and I'm very sorry if I missed you. The next chapter is currently being edited, so not too far away! I'm getting there with my ficathon goal- and congratulations to my co-writers- so many great stories!**


	7. I can see your silhouette

**stand still, so I can see your silhouette**

**I hope you have got all night**

'**cause I'm not done looking**

**No, I'm not done looking yet**

* * *

_They're both quiet. Kate wants to break the silence, and she searches around for a topic. "I broke up with Josh," she blurts out finally, wishing she could take the words back before they've even left her mouth._

_To her surprise, her father just nods. "Oh, Kate."_

_She sighs, surprising herself by tearing up a little. "I wanted to like him, Dad. I really did." Her father reaches out awkwardly, patting her shoulder._ Ten and two_, she wants to cry, but she represses the urge._

"_Sometimes these things just aren't meant to be," he says quietly. "But it seems to me that much as you want to be alone right now, you've got the right people in your court."_

_At that, the tears do flood out, and Kate turns her head, staring unseeingly through the window for the last half hour of the drive to the cabin._

* * *

Castle had watched Jim's car drive away with Kate in it. There was so much he'd wanted to say, but he hadn't been able to get any of the words out. So much for showing up- he'd gotten less than half an hour and then Kate was gone, whisked away upstate. Twenty blocks between her place and his loft, so he figures that long as it is, it won't hurt him to walk off his funk. He's only gone a block when his cell phone buzzes, and he leaps on it, hoping beyond all hope that it's Beckett.

Not quite, but he manages to answer the phone with a smile. "Hey, pumpkin."

"Hey," Alexis replies. "Where are you, Dad?"

"I'm- just out. Do you need something?"

"I went by the precinct, and Esposito said he thought you might be with Beckett."

"I was," he tells her. "But I'm on my way home now."

"Oh. Well-" Alexis hesitates. "Beckett lives near the precinct, right? So if you're still nearby, maybe we can meet for a coffee?"

"Sure," he says. Alexis suggests a place and he turns around to head the other way.

When he gets to the cafe, his daughter has already chosen a table by the window, but Castle beckons her to a booth toward the back. He's pretty sure neither he or Alexis are a target, but he's not interested in being a sitting duck so he's not taking any chances. He can't shake the memory of the light flickering out of Raglan's eyes in a diner like this.

"Shouldn't you be in school?" he asks her. He's not bothered if she's skipping- he's _not_- because he's the cool dad, really.

Alexis shakes her head. "Report writing, we have the day off." She looks at him with discerning eyes. "What are _you_ doing? I thought you'd be at the precinct."

Castle shrugs, and the waitress comes over and takes their orders. "I told you- I went to see Beckett."

"Uh-huh." His daughter is looking at him expectantly, and he has the sudden realisation that he's under interrogation. Great.

"She was discharged today, but she just stopped in at her place to collect some things- she's going upstate with her dad." He sighs. "I only saw her really quickly." Alexis looks like she's on the verge of saying something, but biting it back. "What is it, Alexis?" he asks, after a moment.

His daughter regards him quietly for another minute before speaking. "I'm still scared, Dad." She makes a face, and it all tumbles out. "I'm just so scared that you're going to get hurt- because of Beckett, by Beckett." She shrugs, looking miserable. "I'm sorry," she admits, and Castle shakes his head.

"Hey, no. Don't be sorry, sweetie. It's okay to be scared- I'm scared." Castle pauses, considering. As his daughter, he'll choose Alexis every time. He just hopes his daughter is adult enough that she doesn't ask him to choose.

"Thanks Dad," she tells him. "I'll… I'm not really angry with Beckett, you know. I'm just worried."

The waitress arrives with their order- another coffee for Castle, and a chai tea for Alexis. He's noticed she's been drinking those a lot lately, and he's guessing that if hot chocolate isn't doing the trick, this spicy tea might just be her gateway to coffee. Then again, his own love affair with the hot beverage aside, he's not sure he should wish the vice upon her.

"Anyway, why did Beckett go to her Dad's cabin? I thought you invited her to the Hamptons." The light in Alexis' eyes isn't quite… innocent, and Castle makes a face at her.

"I did. I guess she didn't accept."

"How hard did you try, Dad, really?"

Castle takes another sip of his coffee- honestly, it has nothing on the one he made for Beckett this morning- before answering. "It's complicated. Besides- given what you've just told me, would you _really_ be okay with Beckett spending the summer with us at the Hamptons?"

It's Alexis' turn to shrug and avert her eyes. "It's not like I'd be there… the whole time," she says. "I mean- it's Ashley's last summer in the city, so we'll probably stay around here a bit."

Castle raises an eyebrow. "Is that what this is about? You want _me_ gone for the summer so you can spend more time with your boyfriend?"

"No!" Alexis is quick to protest. "I just mean- you shouldn't worry about me, Dad."

"Oh yeah? Isn't that my job?"

Alexis just smiles and finishes her chai. "So… road trip?"

"What?"

"You, I mean," Alexis clarifies. "If Beckett's not staying with you at the Hamptons, you should go upstate and see her, right?"

Castle shakes his head. "I don't think she wants- and anyway- I don't even know _where_ upstate. Can you imagine what she'd say if I called her to ask where she was? My ear hurts just thinking about her twisting it next time I see her."

"What?" Alexis looked horrified- and really confused, and Castle laughs.

"Forget it." He pushes the rest of his coffee away- the third before eleven in the morning. The next one had better be a decaf. "I'm not asking Beckett where her dad's cabin is-"

"So don't ask," Alexis urges. "Just- show up. Be romantic."

"Just show up," he repeats. Huh. The idea- he knows it's a bad one, but it's Alexis' idea, so it can't be _all_ bad, because his straight laced daughter doesn't make hair brained choices the way he does- the idea has merit. Then again, maybe he just thinks it's a good idea because it's the second time in the same day that someone's told him to keep showing up where Beckett is concerned. Plus, three coffees later, the synapses in his brain are bound to be jumping a little erratically. "I can't," he says at last. "Because seriously, Alexis, I don't know where the cabin is and I can't drive around the entire state of New York looking for it."

His daughter looks at him like he's an idiot. "Dad. You work with cops. I think you've probably got the resources to find out where the cabin is."

"Huh. Right." He stares at Alexis, mulling it over and then making up his mind. "Road trip?"

* * *

At first the cabin seems exactly how Kate remembers it. Secluded, she thinks it's might be more overgrown than ever, and she's hit by the memory of running through the woods, falling and rolling as she tore around, and coming home covered in poison ivy. She'd howled, and Johanna had laughed kindly and helped eight year old Kate apply layer upon layer of calamine lotion.

Johanna wasn't here now, but her presence surrounds Kate. She hoped this would be as good a place to lick her wounds now as it had been then. Of course, she'd long since exchanged the comforting tea her mother used to make her with coffee and wine as her drinks of choice, but with these painkillers- and being here with Jim- alcohol was off the table, and the taste of peppermint tea hovers at the tip of her tongue.

The four room structure is strong in its simplicity- the large living room and open kitchen has almost a whole wall of glass. The double doors which open onto the deck are closed over with dusty curtains at the moment. On the inner wall of the room there are four doors, three of which each lead straight into small bedrooms, and the fourth, a small bathroom.

In the years since Johanna died Kate has only come here once or twice. She hadn't been able to come out here much during college or during her early days on the force, and the changes that have been made slowly become apparent. Jim, however, has spent a lot of time here, at first to hide his drinking, and later to hole up with the bottle to avoid Kate's lectures in the city.

It's not that Johanna's mark on the place has been erased, as such. But in spite of the familiarity there are signs to Kate's keen eyes that all is not as it was. A few pictures sit crooked, and the family photos on the wall stop abruptly during the summer before Kate went to college in California. The last framed picture of Kate shows an eighteen year old with sun lightened hair and a scowling expression hidden behind sunglasses.

Kate hesitates in the living room, casting her eyes to the bedroom doors. As a child she'd slept in the first room in one of the twin beds, but apart from her parents' room, there's a middle bedroom which has another double bed in it for guests. Logically, Kate figures she'd be better off in the larger bed so she's got room to stretch out, but her instinct tells her to slip quietly into her own room and find her comfort in the familiar.

Comfort. She's thrown by the image that reverberates through her body- Rick in her kitchen, bringing her coffee, sitting beside her on her own sofa. She should have stayed in the city. Ugh. She wants to sigh at her own stupidity- or blame Josh. It's unfair- and she knows it's untrue, but she kind of wants to be able to blame someone other than herself- but Kate feels like this is all Josh's fault. If he hadn't been so insistent that she had something with Castle, she wouldn't be so messed up right now. Castle's her friend- her partner- but nothing more, right? She sighs, wanting to be done lying to herself. She shakes her head and opens the end door, gesturing to her father to follow her in and throw her bag onto the second twin bed.

"Sit for a while," he tells her. "And I'll fix some lunch and make the beds up."

"Sure," she nods. "I might sit outside."

Jim pulls the curtains aside, and a flood of light streams inside. Kate opens the glass doors and Jim pulls the benches and chairs out from under the table, dusting off the cobwebs. "I haven't been here for a couple of months," he tells her, pushing the rough table further onto the deck so that it is hit by beams of sunlight, and chooses one of the plastic chairs for Kate, and she sits, yet another wave of exhaustion rolling over her. Who would have thought being discharged from hospital and driving- sleeping- for two hours would take this much effort?

Kate's scar pulls and she wriggles, trying in vain to get more comfortable.

"We have these too," Jim reminds her, pointing to the sun lounges, and she nods. "Might be hard for you to get in and out of it, but I think you'll be more comfortable.

Kate shifts over, wincing as she bends, but she is much more comfortable once she's lying down. "Can you bring me a book?" she asks her father, wishing she didn't have to ask.

He doesn't ask which one, just disappears into the house and reappears with a stack, and Kate picks through the bunch. _Heat Wave_. She shouldn't- it's too close, it is- but she loves this book, and it's _hers_. She's always been well and truly able to spot the differences between herself and her alter ego- in a way she thinks Rick can't- but she's suddenly grateful to read about her fictional persona and lose herself in Nikki's strengths. Strengths that Castle thinks she has. She blinks back the heat against her eyelids and opens the book anyway. _It was always the same for her when she arrived to meet the body_…

Kate makes it most of the way through the first chapter before her father interrupts. "Just sandwiches," he announces. "I'm going to go to the store in town tomorrow and stock up for us properly, okay?"

"Thanks." She takes the sandwich. Whatever little supplies her had Dad brought from the city were good- this peanut butter and jelly sandwich already tastes better than the hospital food.

Kate doesn't last much longer outside, excusing herself and closing the door to her room and slipping under the sheets. Her dad wakes her briefly for dinner, and she takes more painkillers before falling into a heavy sleep once more.

* * *

The late afternoon sunlight dapples through the green leaves, and Castle smiles, content for a second. He really does love the summer, even if neither of the last two quite lived up to expectations. Road trips are a perfect example of that- the idea is always so much better than the reality. The seats of his SUV are starting to dig in and Alexis has been messing with the radio for the entire drive. He grins, stifling the urge to swat her fingers away from the console when he realises that this is the kind of thing he does to piss Beckett off in her squad car. He chuckles, figuring it's probably cuter when he does it, and he fishes around in the side pocket of the driver's seat, handing Alexis his iPod. "Choose something," he tells her. "And then leave it. For an entire song. Okay?"

Alexis huffs at him, but flicks through his music library as she connects the player to the dash. "You should text her," Alexis states, and Castle scowls at his daughter.

"I'm driving," he tells her, and she shrugs.

"So give me your cell. I'll text her."

"No."

"Do you really think we should show up without even letting her know we're coming? What if she doesn't want any visitors?"

Castle takes his eyes off the road to glare at his daughter for a second. "Alexis. This was _your_ idea."

"I know… but I'm starting to think it might have been a little impulsive," she admits. "I mean, I know you usually follow Detective Beckett around the city, but maybe showing up at her dad's cabin is a little stalkerish… even for you."

"Hey!"

"Sorry. Can I text her from _my_ phone, then?"

Castle shakes his head and fumbles around for his own phone out from his back pocket, handing it to Alexis. "Fine. Text her. From _my_ cell."

"What's the unlock code?"

"Eleven-seventeen," Castle tells her, hoping she won't ask the meaning behind that number. Actually, he thinks he should change it before Beckett catches him unlocking his phone with her birthday. Alexis types something into his phone and puts the cell into the glove box. "What did you write?"

She shakes her head. "Just that we were coming to see her."

"That better be all," Castle tells her, and she laughs. Going to see Beckett had all made so much sense yesterday. But when Alexis had insisted that she couldn't cancel her date with Ashley, he'd dialled it down a notch, waited it out- as much as he wanted to see Beckett, he wanted to spend time with his kid, too, and he had memories of the road trips he and Alexis had taken when she was little. Of course, when Alexis was eight, she'd mostly slept while he drove and sang along to the radio. He's glad she agreed to come though. He thinks it will be good for her to see Beckett.

They're quiet for a while, and Alexis goes back to the iPod. "Arcade fire," she tells him finally, and he nods, humming along. _Month of May… it's a violent thing… some things are pure and some things are right_.

* * *

Jim drives off in the afternoon. Kate wonders with a shudder just how many times he'd made the drive between the cabin and the town while he was drunk- sometimes the burn of that January day feels like it was just yesterday, but she's glad of how far Jim's come since those dark days, and she wishes she'd been able to put this to rest long ago too.

Kate had her dad shift her chair onto the lawn before he left, so she was soaking up a little more sun than she had yesterday, and she lies back with her copy of _Heat Wave_ beside her. She can see all the way down the path to the water from where she is now- remembers cannonballing off the pier countless times every summer they came here. She can see herself now, running up the path, a barefoot child, then a teen, joining Jim and Johanna on the deck in the quiet evenings, the only sounds those of the cicadas and the low voices of her parents as the sun set each evening.

She's drifting off before she knows it, exhausted from her morning of gentle yoga and stretching. She is startled from her slumber by the sound of a car in the driveway. By the time Kate opens her eyes, the engine has cut out and she hears a car door slam. And then a second door slams too. She's groggy, but even though the vehicle isn't in her line of sight, something is telling her that it's not her dad. She hears soft voices, and a laugh. _Alexis_? She sits up and the gravel crunches as they move into view. She's still dreaming, she guesses, because suddenly Rick's standing uncertainly at the front door of the cabin, his hand poised to knock, his daughter hovering behind him. It hits Kate all at once that she's not dreaming- he's here, he's absolutely here, and he brought his daughter with him. Panic flows through her veins, and she remains frozen in spot, unable to call out and tell them to come round the back.

Behind the two of them a second car makes its way up the driveway, and Kate watches as Castle and Alexis turn to see who's coming. Jim parks behind Castle's SUV- Kate has a moment to wonder why he brought the more sedate of his two cars- and steps out of his own sedan, confusion on his face. He breaks into a smile though, and strides forward, wiping away the nervous look on Rick's face with a shake of the hand. "Hi Jim," Castle starts. "You remember my daughter?"

Alexis ducks forward, taking Jim's hand as well. "Hi," the red head greets him.

To her father's credit, he doesn't blink, just shakes his head softly then takes it in his stride. "You've either come to see my daughter, or to carry more bags," Jim tells Castle, walking back to his car and opening the trunk. Kate watches in wonder as both Castle and Alexis take several grocery bags and follow Jim through the front door into the cabin. She ducks her head down, embarrassed to have been caught watching the exchange, feigning sleep for a moment until her father calls her name.

"Katie-girl," he calls out. "Are you awake? Rick and Alexis are here."

Kate sits up properly, hauling herself to her feet and trying her darnedest to keep the pain off her face, but she sees Alexis flinch. Castle's smiling like she's the best thing he's seen all day, and she blushes. Wow. He's here. He's here, she thought she wouldn't see him again until Fall. Kate bites her lip and smiles shyly back at him. He's running a hand through his hair, looking adorably nervous, and finally she rolls her eyes and steps forward, letting him embrace her gently, as though they're the kind of people who hug. She wishes they were. She steps back almost right away- she wants nothing more than to be in his strong arms, but his daughter is here, her father is here, and… her mind is running away with her. Maybe she is dreaming after all- these drugs might be stronger than she thought, hallucinogenic properties, perhaps?

"I hope you got enough for dinner for four when you were at the store," Kate jokes.

Jim nods. "Good thing, too- didn't quite count on unexpected dinner guests.

"We didn't really count on being here, until we were in the car and on our way here," Castle assures him. "I'm sorry we just showed up- I don't think we exactly thought past getting here." He shoots Alexis a desperate look, and his daughter shrugs, moving into the kitchen.

"Can I help put everything away?" she asks.

Kate nods. "Thanks Alexis." She's reminded of Castle in her kitchen yesterday morning, looking so comfortable. He looks less comfortable now, and she wonders how hard he had to beg to make Alexis to agree to come with him.

"I texted you," Castle assures her, and Kate sees Alexis make a face.

"Sorry," she says. "I haven't checked my phone since last night- I don't even know where it is- I think it's in my room?"

"Well," Jim announces, as though the secluded cabin in the woods is meant exactly for this and he had invited them all. "Welcome. I'm glad you had a safe drive up." He busies himself pulling glasses from the cupboard, and pours everyone water. "Nothing fancy here," he says as he hands the glasses around, and Kate takes hers and sinks down into the sofa.

Castle sits next to her. He's much too close, and not close enough, all at once. She inches closer, just a little, not enough that he'll notice she's doing it on purpose. "Beckett?" Castle whispers, leaning into her, and their thighs are touching now, pressing together. He's close enough that she could just close her eyes and breath him in, but she keeps her breathing steady. In and out.

"Mmm?"

"I didn't think this through."

She rolls her eyes. "You think?"

"Do you want us to go?"

God no, she thinks. The idea of them just up and leaving has her heart in her mouth. She manages a shake of her head. "Make _you_ drive another two hours, Castle? Or is that why Alexis is here- she drove you up here?"

"Hey!" Castle protests. "I can drive. I drove. I'm a _good_ driver- you saw me drive in LA."

Kate chuckles, and lightly punches his arm. "I'm just kidding," she tells him, and he nudges her back. God. Normal. This all feels so normal.

Kate watches as her father takes charge, instructing Castle and Alexis to bring their things in, get set up. They protest, briefly, telling him they didn't intend to stay and intrude, but after not too much insistence both pull overnight bags out of the SUV and Kate rolls her eyes. "Didn't intend to stay, like hell," she mumbles, and her father shoots her a sharp look. Castle just waggles his eyebrows at her and she figures he's probably used to her snarky comments, and she smiles, biting her lip to hide it, but from the soft look that Castle gives her she doesn't think she was successful.

Alexis trails after Jim into the kitchen and the two of them marinate the chicken Jim bought, and then Rick and Jim stand at the barbecue. She hears Castle tell her dad that he and Alexis need to go back to the city in the morning, and she swallows down the disappointment. One day? It's not enough. Alexis makes a salad and chats to Kate from the kitchen. It's a relief, more than anything, to see the teenager so animated- she mostly talks about Ashley, and Kate only needs to nod and agree from time to time. Evidently her coolness toward Kate has dissipated, and Kate's starting to feel more relaxed around Alexis again. "How long did your dad have to beg before you agreed to join him on this roadtrip?" she asks eventually.

Alexis blinks, and looks away, concentrating awfully hard on chopping the carrot she's holding. "Oh," she says at last. "Not- no. No, I wanted to come."

Huh. Kate's not a detective for nothing, and as much as her head's swimming, she can spot the aversion a mile away. "Alexis?"

Alexis meets her eyes guiltily. "He would have come anyway, and I was going to stay home," she starts. "But- I kind of encouraged him." She shrugs uncertainly. "Is that okay? I really didn't mean to intrude, I just knew Dad would be miserable without you."

_Alexis_ did this? Kate blushes, and nods. "Okay," she says, at last.

In spite of falling asleep during the afternoon, Kate is exhausted- _again_, she thinks angrily- and she excuses herself after they eat. Jim barely flinches when he tells Rick he'll put Alexis in the middle room, and that the sofa is free- "Or, there's another bed in Kate's room," Jim continues, and Castle pales. Interesting. Kate thinks that Castle _really_ hasn't thought this through. What had he expected? Kate guesses Castle's place in the Hamptons must have dozens of guest rooms, but this four room cabin is the epitome of simplicity in comparison.

"The sofa," Castle stammers. "The sofa will be fine." He casts a desperate glance at Kate, who keeps her face neutral as Castle coughs and splutters. Alexis averts her eyes and follows Jim into the kitchen, offering to help clean up. "Beckett," he hisses, when her father is out of earshot. "Beckett- I didn't mean to-"

"Zip it."

"Huh? But Kate," he whines. "I didn't mean to- start something."

She snorts in response. Damn Castle, with his half cocked plans.

He continues blindly. "Well… you're a grown up, so your dad's going to be cool with this… _situation_-" Off her look he corrects himself. "This _not_ situation?"

"No!" she hisses. "I left home when I was eighteen to go to college on the _other side of the country_. So I have not been in this situation before. Not with a boyfriend. Not with anyone." She waves her hand at him and scowls. "Let alone with my shadow, who is apparently no longer content with following me around at work, so he has to follow me two hours upstate when I'm on sick leave. So Castle, stop looking at me, because I have no fricking clue what to do here, and you wouldn't be sleeping in my room whether my father was here or not!"

Castle looks at her a moment longer, panic still heavy in his eyes, but he brightens with a laugh. "Still sleep with a gun, do you Beckett?"


	8. Songs out of glass

**I build each one of my songs out of glass**

**so you can see me inside of them, I suppose**

* * *

"_The sofa," Castle stammers. "The sofa will be fine." He casts a desperate glance at Kate, who keeps her face neutral as Castle coughs and splutters. Alexis averts her eyes and follows Jim into the kitchen, offering to help clean up. "Beckett," he hisses, when her father is out of earshot. "Beckett- I didn't mean to-"_

"_Zip it."_

"_Huh? But Kate," he whines. "I didn't mean to- start something."_

_She snorts in response. Damn Castle, with his half cocked plans. _

_He continues blindly. "Well… you're a grown up, so your dad's going to be cool with this… _situation_-" Off her look he corrects himself. "This _not _situation?"_

"_No!" she hisses. "I left home when I was eighteen to go to college _on the other side of the country_. So I have not been in this situation before. Not with a boyfriend. Not with anyone." She waves her hand at him and scowls. "Let alone with my shadow, who is apparently no longer content with following me around at work, so he has to follow me two hours upstate when I'm on sick leave. So Castle, stop looking at me, because I have no fricking clue what to do here, and you wouldn't be sleeping in my room whether my father was here or not!"_

_Castle looks at her a moment longer, panic still heavy in his eyes, but he brightens with a laugh. "Still sleep with a gun, do you Beckett?"_

* * *

"Lanie!" The voice hissing down the phone doesn't sound a thing like dispatch, and Lanie blinks as she realises who is calling her. She flicks the lamp on and beside her, Esposito groans and pulls a pillow over his head.

"Kate?"

"Lanie," Kate hisses again, and there's a funny note of desperation in her voice.

"Kate," Lanie manages, and Esposito is sitting up now, listening to her end of the conversation. "Kate why are you calling me-" she fumbles around for the clock on the nightstand- "at two in morning?"

"He's _here_, Lanie."

Lanie rolls her eyes. Maybe she's wanted Kate to be in touch a little more, but she doesn't have to be happy about cryptic middle of the night calls. "Who's there? Your Dad? I thought you were at the cabin with your Dad?" Colour her confused, because Lanie doesn't know what on earth could have prompted such a panicked call.

"Not my Dad- I mean, yeah, he's here too- but- no- Lanie- _Castle's_ here. And Alexis."

"Little Castle? Kate Beckett- it's _two_ in the morning, and I have no idea what you're talking about. Please tell me you're dreaming and that you'll go back to sleep and call me back at a reasonable time in the morning."

"No, Lanie- I'm not dreaming. I'm serious. I got here with my Dad yesterday, and today Castle and Alexis showed up like it was the most normal thing in the world- and he's sleeping on my sofa right now."

Lanie stifles a giggle. "Well- that's great- isn't it?"

"Lanie…" Her name is a whine now. "Lanie- say something helpful, because I'm kind of freaking out right now."

"So I gather," Lanie tells her dryly. "Castle showed up at the cabin," she tells Esposito, who nods and grins.

"Who are you talking to?" Kate demands.

"Javi's here-" she tells her friend.

"Oh, God," Kate wails. "Stop telling him this- I don't need anyone to know this."

"So there's something to know? Girl, I could have sworn you said Castle was on the sofa…"

"He is!" Kate's reply is indignant. "But that doesn't mean that things are just- normal."

Lanie shrugs, making a face at Javier as she puts the phone back on the nightstand and switches to speaker. "Kate, just calm down, okay?"

"Yeah," Esposito chimes in. "Take it easy Beckett."

"Lanie Parish! Take me off speaker!" Kate demands, and Lanie laughs.

Lanie sighs. "I'm going to say it again, girl. It's two in the morning, so you need to sleep. More importantly, _I _need to sleep- so if you're looking for someone to talk to, I suggest you get out of bed, and move toward the sofa, because I guarantee that the man on the sofa won't mind being woken up by you the way I do, okay."

Kate lets out a muffled moan of frustration. "Fine, Lanie. _Fine_! But next time you have a problem in the middle of the night, see if I pick up the phone."

"Good night, Beckett," Esposito says, earning himself another groan from other end of the phone as he lies back down, pulling Lanie toward him.

"Night, Kate," Lanie echos. "And good luck, sweetie." She ends the call, wide awake and giggling into Javier's arm, shaking her head.

"Damn, those two are messed up," Javier shakes his head too, and kisses Lanie, reaching over her and switching the lamp back off.

* * *

The sofa- well, it could be worse, Castle muses. It's no bed- king size or otherwise- but it's fairly wide and it's also fairly long, which given his height, is a blessing.

After Alexis and Jim had each excused themselves- not long after Kate had turned in- Castle had sat alone a while longer on the deck before he, too, had turned in and cosied up on the sofa.

It's dark out here- much darker than the city, obviously, but also darker than his place in the Hamptons. There are neither streetlights nor other houses anywhere around. The stream of moonlight serves to make it just a little less than pitch black after Castle turns the lamp off.

The blankets Jim has given him are thin, but it's a warm night. Castle's far more used to sleeping without a shirt in the summer, but tonight he's kept his t-shirt on. Jim's been nothing but a gracious host, but Castle's still a little uncomfortable now that he's actually here and reality has sunk in- showing up to see Beckett has meant showing up and seeing Beckett's father too.

He's tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable as well as get a grip on what's going on with Beckett. She hadn't seemed upset by their just showing up- the opposite, in fact. If he wasn't mistaken, there had been the slightest hint of panic in her eyes when he'd offered to turn around and head back to the city. He sighs. That moment- just a moment- that she'd been in his arms had meant the world to him.

As he closes his eyes on that thought, he winces as his memory hits him with a sensory assault. Sharp flashes mock him- the image of Kate on the ground ambushes him, and he can smell the coppery scent of blood, see the flicker of light from the sniper, hear his own voice calling to Kate, pleading for her to stay with him. It only lasts a split second before he remembers to breath, calms himself. He almost envies Kate her amnesia. Her road to recovery is a nightmare, but at least she didn't see the person she loves die before her eyes. Over. It's over, and they're getting through it. But this isn't the first time this has happened, and he doubts it will be the last.

Castle sighs, and rolls over as best he can. Okay- the sofa could be worse, but it's not that great either, and he's having a hard time getting comfortable. His eyes fly open when he senses a change in light- a thin crack of light is shining from beneath Kate's door. He hears her voice, low, and wonders if this is another of her nightmares, and he pauses, unsure of what to do. Because if she's in pain, whether conscious or not, he can't stay all this way out here, but he hears her huff- "Lanie!" and he grins. She's on the phone. He reaches for his own cell to check the time and chuckles. He didn't hear her cell ring, which means she's called the ME at two in the morning. His smiles fades when the realisation hits him that something must be wrong, and she didn't call out to him- and he's _right here_- but he pushes the thought aside.

Castle can't make out most of the conversation but he gets a few snatches- _he's sleeping on my sofa _- _I'm kind of freaking out _- and an indignant exclamation- _Take me off speaker! _Castle grins. Espo, he guesses. And now he knows why she called Lanie.

There's silence again, and then he hears the creak of Kate's bed as she shifts in it. And then footsteps- the door opens and she's framed in her doorway, a silhouette against the light. He squeezes his eyes shut, but not in time as Kate speaks. "How much of that did you hear, Castle?"

"What?" He stretches, feigns awakening, but Kate's not fooled.

She moves toward him, and he can see her face now- the dark shadows below her eyes are more pronounced than ever in this half light. "I know how thin the walls are, Castle. And I can see you were awake," she points out, and he shrugs.

"I didn't hear… much," he tells her honestly, and she looks at him uncertainly.

"Want to sit?" Castle sits up and pulls the blanket up, and she nods, sitting wordlessly beside him. He gently pulls the blanket around her slender form, as he silently freaks out. A pyjama clad Beckett is almost more than he can bear, and it's all he can do to stop himself from pulling her sleep mussed hair out of her eyes. Her short shorts show off every inch of her toned legs folded below her, and he shifts the blanket so they're covered too. The less temptation the better.

Kate sighs, and he pulls her into him, grateful for this darkness that apparently allows them to snuggle on the sofa in a way that daylight wouldn't. "Are you okay?" she asks at last.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

She shrugs. "Castle- I don't know how I made it through the last two weeks. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this summer- I have weeks of physical therapy ahead of me, and I'm just struggling to stay afloat. But I know you're worried too. I mean-" and she laughs- "you showed up here, with Alexis. Those aren't the actions of a man who is… okay. And you're awake- did you know it's two in the morning?" Kate chuckles again. "I think Lanie told me the time about five times in that conversation."

Castle smiles, knowing she can't see his face. "I'm okay, Kate. As long as you're okay, I'm okay."

She sighs again, and nestles down, her face buried in the crook of his neck. He finds himself tracing circles on her bare arm, and he restrains himself from kissing her forehead as he breathes her in. Her breathing slowly changes, and he rouses her gently. "Beckett? Want to go back to bed?"

She nods, and mumbles something incoherent, and he stands and scoops her up, praying he's not hurting her. She gasps, but relaxes into his arms and he makes his way into her room, laying her down on the twin bed. He covers her up and she rolls onto her side. He leans over, intending only to brush a lock of hair from her face at last, but she reaches up and catches his hand, closing sleepy eyes. "Stay," she mumbles, and he freezes. Does she know what she's saying? She's somewhere between awake and asleep.

"Kate?" he asks, uncertain.

"Stay," she says again, a whisper this time, and Castle closes the bedroom door and climbs in awkwardly beside her, curling his arm up so it's resting on her shoulder- he doesn't think he anything in the world could encourage him to move back to the sofa, but he's frightened of hurting her. Kate sighs- her breathing has changed again and he thinks she's really asleep this time. He presses a kiss onto her neck, before closing his own eyes and letting sleep take him.

* * *

Kate wakes in a blind panic, gasping for air. The scream dies in her throat as she realises she's awake and she's safe. The images are already fading by the time she opens her eyes- yet another nightmare she won't remember in the light of day. Something is different this time, though, and it takes her a moment to realise- she's not alone.

"Beckett? Kate?" Blue eyes are peering down at her, concern painting Castle's face.

Oh. Oh! Kate blushes as it comes swimming back- calling Lanie in the middle of the night, sitting with Castle. Going to bed with Castle. Crap! Not that… not that it's such a bad thing to wake up beside him, she admits to herself reluctantly. Although- this bed- she's regretting taking the room with the twin beds now. Next time they'll have to- her eyes widen, and she moans softly. _Next time? _What is her mind doing, spinning fantasies of next time? "Castle?"

"Kate- you had a nightmare," he supplies unnecessarily. She's on her back, and he's hovering over her, his fingers entwined in her hair, and she wishes she could wake like this every time she has a nightmare. She pushes him off as best she can, and he moves back a little, but doesn't get off the bed.

"Yeah, well," she mumbles. "I don't remember it."

He nods. "You- you were kind of… talking. In your sleep."

She cringes. "Yeah. I've been told I do that." Is it worse for Josh to hear her call Castle's name, or for Castle to hear her calling him? If that's even what she said this time.

"I talk in my sleep sometimes, too," he tells her, as though this information will somehow help her, and she shakes her head and rolls her eyes.

"Why does that not surprise me?" He's still stroking her hair, fingers firm and gentle, and she closes her eyes and lets herself relax beneath his touch.

He laughs. "It's getting light out there, Beckett. Do you- should I go back to the sofa? Before your Dad gets up? And- my daughter?"

She shrugs and opens her eyes, daring to look at him. He probably should go because, yeah, her Dad and Alexis are here and things might get weird. On the other hand- she doesn't want him to go. She fights with herself internally, before sighing. "Go," she whispers. "Back to the sofa." She bites her lip. "I think it's better." She blinks back the sting of unshed tears and smiles up at him. "But thank you- for waking me from my dream."

He nods, sitting up and looking down at her. He presses a kiss to her forehead, and she stays stone still- if she moves an inch it will be to pull him to her lips, and she can't- not now. Not yet. "Always," he whispers, and he stands and walks to the door, leaving her with one more regretful look before he goes back into the living room and closes the door gently behind him.

* * *

Castle tries to shut Beckett's door as quietly as possible, so he can tiptoe back to the sofa. He's too damn old for this kind of sneaking around, but he's also too old for sharing a twin bed, and apparently he just did that. He chuckles softly to himself- was the last time college?

"Morning Rick." Jim's voice from the kitchen startles Castle and he jumps. _Shit_.

"Morning Jim," he manages. "I was just- uh- checking on Kate."

He thinks Jim's repressing a smile. "Uh-huh." He holds the coffee pot up to Rick. "Coffee?"

"Yes. Please." Castle makes a beeline for the jeans he folded over the end of the sofa last night, and scrambles into them, trying his best- unsuccessfully, he's sure- to appear nonchalant, as if he hadn't been sprung exiting Kate's bedroom. He shakes his head. This is stupid- nothing happened, and besides, he and Kate are adults.

Jim hands Castle a cup and opens the doors to the deck, indicating for Rick to follow. The twinkle is still in the man's eyes as he sits down, eyeing Castle. "So. How is she?"

"Who? Kate?" Castle frowns. He's acting like a teenager. Of _course_ Kate, who else would Jim be asking about? Still. There's something terribly awkward about being caught like this no matter the circumstances.

Jim chuckles. "Relax, son. I know she has nightmares. And I didn't hear her scream this morning, so you obviously did something right."

"She screams?" Rick hesitates. "I knew- I know she has nightmares. And yeah- today she was talking in her sleep, but she wasn't- screaming."

Jim shrugs. "Sometimes she screams." He takes a long appreciative sip of his coffee. "When she was little, as well. But if her mother or I tried to comfort her she'd be so mad, as though she was admitting defeat by letting us help her." He takes a long look at Castle. "I guess what I'm saying is that this stubborn streak is nothing new. Katie needs to work things through in her own time. And I know you're a big part of her life. Hell, you showed up here, and that's saying something."

"I- I care for her," Castle admits, feeling every bit an idiot. He's sitting in his jeans and the shirt he slept in, scuffing his bare feet across the deck and he feels like he's asking Jim for his daughter's hand or something equally foolish.

The appraising look Jim gives him does nothing to relieve him of his concerns, but the older man just nods. "Has she told you much about her plans for the summer?"

"No- I mean, apart from coming here, no." He laughs nervously and sips his own coffee. "Actually, I asked her to come to the Hamptons with me- I have a place there, and I thought she might like to spend the summer there. I'm on the beach, and there's a pool…" He trails off. "But here- here's good. She has the lake down there, and you…"

Jim nods. "It's up to Katie. She didn't tell me you'd asked her to your place, but I think it would be good for her to spend time with someone other than me. And I have to work this summer, I can't be here the whole time." He shrugs. "She's okay at the moment, all things considered. But I'm not going to lie to you and say I'm not worried. I know my daughter, and I know that as she starts to heal and has time to think about what she's been through, what she's going through- I think she's going to get caught up in her own head with what-ifs. The last thing I want is for her to get caught up looking for vengeance." He drains the rest of his coffee, and stands up, ready to head back into the house. "Think about it, Rick. I know you and Alexis came here on a whim. I'm grateful to you for that- the look on Katie's face when she saw you was enough for me. I know she's guarded, but you need to have a think about whether you're going to drive back to the city today with your daughter, or whether you're going to choose to fight, and take my daughter with you too."

* * *

Kate shakes her head as she looks out the window. She's not sure exactly how she got here. The morning had started off normally- well, as normally as possible, considering she woke up in the same bed as Castle, she thinks wryly. She'd fallen back asleep when he'd left, and when she'd finally woken up and showered, she'd made her way on to the deck to find him on the deck, sitting with Alexis and Jim. The girl had been studying, and she'd looked up at Kate with a warm smile.

"Studying so early in the morning?" Kate had asked.

Alexis had nodded. "Morning Kate. I have another exam next week, before school ends."

Rick had shaken his head. "Don't look at me- I don't know where she gets it from."

Kate had laughed. "Is there more coffee for me?"

"Sure." Castle had leapt up, and Alexis and her dad had grinned. Castle had brought her a steaming cup back from the kitchen. "Want to walk?" he'd asked, and they'd wandered slowly down the path to the lake, her breathing catching with every other step. She'd pointed out a few of the paths that started near the lake's shore, offered a few anecdotes about some of the hikes she'd taken as a kid. They'd sat at the end of the pier, feet dangling over the edge.

"We used to camp up shore sometimes," she'd told Castle, pointing.

"Oh yeah? Maybe we can go camping sometime."

"You? Camping? In a tent and away from your gadgets and amenities? I don't think I can see it, Castle."

"I could do it." He'd paused at her chuckle. "What? I _could_. You don't think I can camp? I can rough it with the best of them," he'd whined.

In the light of day, Kate hadn't been able to let herself get as close as she had last night, and they'd sat not touching, the distance suddenly awkward, as they looked out over the water. "We have to leave today," Castle had said at last.

"I know."

"My- my offer still stands, Kate." He'd hesitated, and glanced at her, and it had all come out in a rush. "The Hamptons offer, I mean. I want to take you- let me take you to the Hamptons. I know you have a long road ahead of you, but if you're at the Hamptons, you're much closer to town- maybe we can even get someone to come and help out with some physical therapy." He'd grinned, and pushed on. "And I don't know if you've seen how many books are here, but you don't have that many, and I have a library there- I swear, I wouldn't say a word if you read something that wasn't mine."

"Are you quite done?" She'd been smiling, though. Something had changed between them overnight, something she thought she might be okay with. In time.

"Yes." He'd nodded, and sipped his coffee. "No! I also have all the _Temptation Lane _DVDs!"

"_Really_?"

Castle had shrugged. "Well, um- no. Not _yet_. But that's a technicality. I can get them," he'd promised, and she'd pursed her lips.

And now Kate's staring out the car window, as upstate New York rushes by. She'd hastily repacked the little clothing she had into her bag, and watched as Castle had swung it into the trunk of the SUV beside his own. She'd hugged her father- "trust yourself," he'd whispered to her, and she'd smiled uncertainly. Alexis is in the back seat. She's reading- Kate doesn't know how she can read in the car without getting carsick- and looking up periodically to pass comment on the music, or to read out a chemistry equation. Kate sighs, and leans her head back against the headrest. There's so much to say, but right now it remains unsaid.

The Hamptons. For the rest of the summer. Her dad is right. She has to trust herself, and she turns to Castle. "My turn to choose the music," she tells him, and she takes the iPod, flipping through until she finds a band she likes. "_Arcade Fire_," she tells him, and she sees him exchange a smiling glance with Alexis in the rear view mirror. _We used to wait. Sometimes it never came. We used to wait. I'm still moving through the pain._

* * *

**A/N: Many many thanks for the reviews for the last chapter- I didn't get to PM everyone this time but I appreciate each and every review so much!**


	9. The image of me in the background

**you could just leave the image of me**

**in the background, I guess**

**and watch your own reflection superimposed**

* * *

_And now Kate's staring out the car window, as upstate New York rushes by. She'd hastily repacked the little clothing she had into her bag, and watched as Castle had swung it into the trunk of the SUV beside his own. She'd hugged her father- "trust yourself," he'd whispered to her, and she'd smiled uncertainly. Alexis is in the back seat. She's reading- Kate doesn't know how she can read in the car without getting carsick- and looking up periodically to pass comment on the music, or to read out a chemistry equation. Kate sighs, and leans her head back against the headrest. There's so much to say, but right now it remains unsaid. _

_The Hamptons. For the rest of the summer. Her dad is right. She has to trust herself, and she turns to Castle. "My turn to choose the music," she tells him, and she takes the iPod, flipping through until she finds a band she likes. "_Arcade Fire_," she tells him, and she sees him exchange a smiling glance with Alexis in the rear view mirror. _We used to wait. Sometimes it never came. We used to wait. I'm still moving through the pain.

* * *

It feels strange to be back at her own apartment, like déjà vu. Castle has left her alone- to his chagrin, but she'd rolled her eyes and stared him down- and now she's supposed to be packing while he checks in at the loft, makes sure Alexis is set, and does his own packing.

The clothes she'd packed for the cabin won't do for the Hamptons. Not that Kate's figuring on going out much, but she thinks if she's going to be seeing Castle everyday she probably needs a rotation of more than three t-shirts. She picks through her closet, selecting a couple of loose shirts, and she adds in another pair of jeans and, on a whim, a sun dress, before rolling her eyes at herself and pulling it back out of the bag and throwing it angrily back on her bed.

She opens a drawer and is suddenly confronted by her swimsuits. Shit. For a person that goes swimming only a few times a year, she owns a tonne of them. All the bikinis are out- the angry red line painting her abdomen makes sure of that. The one at the top mocks her in its tan glory. It might be a one piece but now it's too low cut by far.

Kate's no stranger to run of the mill body image issues, but her flights of inadequacy always pass as quickly as they come. She loves working out, loves the rush, and she's never deliberately dieted, proud of her naturally slender and lithe physique. Now though, lifting her arms above her head is torturous, walking has her panting, and the jolt of pain slamming intermittently through her abdomen is a reminder that her body is the enemy now, rather than the finely tuned tool of the past.

LA seems so recent, yet so long ago. As much as she'd played it up as a sting intended for the perp, she'd known that every eye in that place was on her in her sexy one piece- and there had only been one set of eyes she'd been interested in. Admitting it to herself now feels no less awkward than singing it from a rooftop, and she sighs, sorting through the collection in the drawer and tossing each piece down on the bed. She's discarded all her bikinis and three one piece suits before she lies down on the covers, defeated.

Ugh. If only she'd given in and let herself be a conquest back in the beginning. She doesn't know anymore what she was trying to prove by saying no back then. They would have gotten each other out of their systems, and it would be just another hazy memory of a night spent in someone else's bed. Now though, for all the attention he lavishes on her, his actions aren't those of a man in it for the conquest, and they haven't been for a very long time. They're the actions of a man- well, she doesn't want to say a man in love- but, she will admit he's become her best friend, and she can't deny the attraction is stronger than ever. So, as more than a conquest, and no other boyfriends or girlfriends standing between then, there should be nothing stopping them. She laughs softly to herself. Nothing but panic attacks and nightmares and bullets- she slams the drawer shut- and scars that make her even more fractured than to the woman Castle started flirting with three years ago.

* * *

Castle doesn't actually need to pack very much because he keeps a lot of stuff at his place in the Hamptons. He's got clothes down there, and all the books and gadgets he could need, so the only thing for him to pack is his laptop. He's going to have to get back to Nikki and Rook before too long, if the number of missed calls from Gina are anything to go by and he backs up his files before popping the laptop in its case. His iPod is still in the car, so there's probably only one more thing he needs to do before he can leave, and he hits the home button on his iPad and quickly takes care of it before slipping the iPad in with the laptop.

He has another slightly desperate thought- he really hasn't spent much time at the Hamptons this year- next to none since he came back with Gina last August, in fact. He and Alexis had managed a few days down there over the Christmas break, but that was about it, and he has the uncomfortable recollection of having seen some of Gina's clothes hanging in his closet over the winter.

Not that Kate is exactly likely to go poking around in his closet, but that's not the point. He's more or less down on bended knee given that she's even agreed to come with him, and he'll be damned if he's going to screw it up now. He doesn't think he wants to know whether Kate broke up with Demming for him last year, but after what Esposito told him, he's not interested in taking any chances. Castle usually calls ahead when he goes to his place- he doesn't have a regular housekeeper down there because there's no point, but he calls someone in on a casual basis to freshen the place up if he's coming down- open a few windows, make up the beds with fresh sheets- and he makes that call now, with clearer instructions than usual.

Asking for Gina's clothes to be removed feels oddly dirty, which is silly- it's not like she was a fling. She was his ex-wife, and when it all comes down to it, Castle actually cares about her. He thinks that's where the regret lies, that he respects her but didn't treat her with respect. He sighs and runs his hand through his hair, contemplative. He feels bad for using her all those months. But, he reminds himself, he wasn't exactly using her- their relationship had been mutually beneficial, and he'd been neither deliberate or callous in trying to make it work either the first or the second time round. No, he thinks. He'd just been ignorant last summer- ignoring his own heart that was so plainly in love with another woman. He's fucked a lot of things up in his life, a lot of relationships. What makes him think this will be any different? How is he going to prove to Kate- to himself- that this can be any different?

Kate. He kind of knows he has a dreamy look on his face, but he can't help it- she agreed. She really, actually, very much (in a strained and stressed kind of way, granted,) _agreed_ to come up to the Hamptons with him. They're not there yet, wherever _there_ is, but they crossed a line last night, and he thinks it's something. He grins, and is stopped by a laugh- Alexis. "What?" he asks her, but he knows, and she just shakes her head.

"Nothing, Dad. Just glad you're happy, is all," she tells him lightly.

"Are you sure you're going to be alright here by yourself?" he asks her, and she laughs again.

"Well, not exactly by myself- Gram is going to be here," Alexis tells him.

"Uh-huh. And are you sure you're up to taking care of her?"

"I heard that." Martha sashays in, this time in a flowy red outfit, and he winces. So bright. So very, very bright.

"Yes," he tells her. "You were meant to hear it."

"Well," Martha chides. "You don't need to worry about us." She puts her arm around Alexis. "And while we're in New York, you enjoy yourself. I've told you before, and I'll tell you again- kiss that girl before while you're still young."

Castle raises his eyebrows at his mother. "Thank you for that insight, Mother."

"Ew," Alexis adds. The look on his daughter's face belies the very adult young woman she's shown herself to be over the last two days. "Besides," she adds. "Didn't you kiss her last night before you snuck out of her room at six this morning?"

_Shit_. Does _everyone_ know he spent the night in Kate's room?

"Relax, Dad," she teases. "I don't care."

"Well I do," Castle grumbles, but he's grinning again as he ruffles her hair. He kisses them each on the cheek in turn. "Mother, Alexis. I look forward to seeing you both in a few days."

They walk him to the hallway and he waves as he gets in the elevator. His heart feels lighter than in has in weeks.

* * *

Castle gets back to Kate's and slips into her apartment with the key she lent him, whistling cheerfully as he strolls through her apartment carrying the salads he's picked up on his way over. She's not in the living room and he takes the opportunity to duck into the study. The shutters are closed over the makeshift murder board, and he stares for a second. One day they're going to have to figure this out. He wonders how Esposito and Ryan are getting on with the case and the new Captain, and he makes a mental note to get in touch with them in the next couple of days. Kate's parade of elephants beckon him, and he touches the ornaments thoughtfully, reminded of their counterparts on her desk in the precinct.

Instead of finding her packed and ready to go, her bedroom door is closed, and he knocks tentatively, before opening it. He finds her curled up on her bed amongst a dozen bikinis. The window is open, the curtain billowing and that just adds to the bizarre Escheresque fantasy, an infinity of swimsuits arranged awkwardly. Kate looks up ruefully through puffy eyes.

"Kate?" Castle doesn't know what he's supposed to do, what he's supposed to ask. He wants to take her lead on this- because who is he kidding, it's she who leads every aspect of their relationship, and he just races in an a mostly unsuccessful attempt to keep up- but she's just staring up at him, green eyes framed in red.

She shakes her head. "I'm sorry, Castle. I'm not-" she stops, and takes a breath.

Okay. Castle steadies himself. He can do this. It might be Beckett in front of him, but right now it's really just Kate, and he can comfort a crying woman, dammit. Or he thinks he can. He's talked Alexis off the ledge a few times, but Beckett's in a whole different league. He sits down on the bed beside her, suddenly very uncomfortable with their close proximity, reaching out tentatively to touch her shoulder.

She jerks away from his touch and lets out a strangled cry, a groan of frustration. "Ugh." She wipes angrily at the tears on her face, and he reaches over to the nightstand where he spies some tissues, handing her a bunch, careful not to brush his fingers against hers, lest she jump away again.

She rolls her eyes, and sighs at him. "I can't- I don't think I can do this," she says softly, and his heart sinks.

"The Hamptons? Kate…" He looks at her, cupping her chin in his hand, and this time she doesn't flinch from his touch. "Do you want me to drive you back to your Dad's?"

She gazes back at him, and he sees her swallow, and she shakes her head. "You'd do that? Drive another two hours just to take me back upstate?"

He nods. "If that's what you need, Kate. Whatever you need."

She shrugs, and he feels his heart pounding. She's going to do it. She's going to ask him to drive her back upstate, and he's going to do it, and his heart is going to break. Instead, she shakes her head, grimacing. She sits up, and under the effort it takes, he sees her steel herself, transform herself back into Beckett before his eyes. "I can't- I can't wear any of these anymore."

She meets his eyes, and he thinks she's daring him, so he takes the plunge. "Hey, now, Beckett. You know I'd be just as comfortable if you skinny dipped." Kate smiles weakly, and he thinks he made the right call. Call it a brand of gallows humour, but he needs to try his hand at some levity in an attempt to bring them back to being Castle and Beckett.

* * *

"Wow." She looks around nervously. "This is- wow…" She trails off, looking around. He has to admit, his place is kind of intimidating, and he's suddenly awkward. The disparity in their incomes and worlds don't mean as much in the city, but compared to the cabin, this is overwhelming.

He'd become practised, during the time Kate was in hospital, at make believing a faux normalcy. He'd pretended he was on top of things, that things could just go back to normal. Like turning up to the precinct each day, combined with a few text messages, could fix everything and eventually they'd be back at status quo. Like she'd be back at her desk in no time, and he'd be on the chair beside her, simultaneously harassing her and making her load just a little lighter. No, though. The woman beside him is uncertain and he's starting to understand what an effort she'd made at the cabin the day before.

"Let me show you to your room." He's nervous and if he could babble to fill the silence he would. Instead he's lost for words. After this afternoon at her place and a silent drive up here, he didn't think they'd actually make it.

Castle leads her upstairs. "This is my room," he tells her, pointing at a closed door. They make it two doors further down the hall, and he stops them. "This is yours." He's oddly reluctant to open it, irrationally fearful she'll hole up in her room for the rest of the summer and not come back out.

"Are you going to open the door?"

"What?" He shakes his head, mentally unfunking himself and swinging the door open, then moving aside. "Yes. Of course. Sorry." He follows her into her room, and puts her bag down on the armchair. "Do you want me to help unpack this?"

Kate shakes her head. "No. Thank you. I'm just going to close my eyes for a little while, if that's okay?"

He nods. "Of course. I'll wake you for dinner. The sheets are fresh- just make yourself comfortable." He points at the open door to their right. "That's your bathroom."

"Thank you." Kate smiles at him, light not quite reaching her eyes, and he closes the door softly behind him, leaning his head against it and closing his eyes. _Shit_. He doesn't know what he had imagined this would be, but this was so not it.

* * *

Daytime calls are more Lanie's speed, and she smiles into the phone when she sees her friend's picture light up the screen at six in the evening. "Hey, sweetie."

"Hey…" The greeting is more drawn out than Lanie expected, and she frowns.

"Hey, girl. You okay? Still got Castle up at the cabin with you?" she asks, only to be met with what she thinks might be a laugh. Although it could be a sob. "Kate?"

"Lanie," comes her friend's voice, slightly uneven and more high pitched than she's used to hearing. "Lanie- I'm kind of freaking out."

Lanie bites back a smile. "_Again_? What's Castle done now?" she asks.

"No!" There's a thread of desperation in Kate's voice, and Lanie shrugs at Perlmutter, and raises her index finger. _One moment_, she mouths, and her perpetually disgruntled colleague glares at her as she steps away from the body they're examining and into the office. It's time to go home anyway, and as the woman on the table isn't a victim of unknown causes so she can wait until tomorrow. "Lanie- it's me! _I_ did it."

"What did you do?"

"Oh, God. _Lanie_! It just kind of _happened_- and I- well, I didn't _stop_ it, and I guess I kind of- it's not like I _didn't_ want to-"

"You _slept_ with him?" Lanie's exclamation has Perlmutter turning around and shushing her angrily through the office window. "_Finally_!"

"What!?" The panic in Kate's voice changes to horror in a single syllable. "No! Of course not!" She hears Kate take a deep breath. "No- Lanie- I'm at his place in the _Hamptons_."

"The Hamptons?! Geez- Kate-" This time her shout has Perlmutter rapping sharply on the window and she makes a face at him. "Well," she continues, slightly more calmly. "I guess I owe Javi fifty bucks."

She laughs at the inevitable groan that Beckett offers her. "What was I _thinking_?"

"Well-"

Kate continues like she hasn't said anything. "Have you got any idea how big this place is?"

"I-"

"It's a mansion, Lanie, an honest to goodness mansion, and the _beach_! Do you know where the beach is?"

"No-"

"It's right here. Seriously. Right. Here. I'm in my room- which, by the way, is bigger than my whole apartment- and I can see the beach from my window- because- do you know where it is?"

"Kate-"

"In the back yard, Lanie, that's where!" There's silence for a moment, and Kate speaks again. "Lanie? Are you still there?"

"Are you quite done?" Lanie asks dryly, and Kate makes a noise that sounds like a hiccup. She can only assume that means Kate's ready to listen, and she takes a deep breath. "Kate. Breathe. It's good that you're there. _Good. _That man-" Lanie catches herself before she can say _that man loves you_, because she doesn't want to scare an already skittish Kate Beckett. "That man _cares_ about you. When you were in hospital he was a mess- are you listening to me, Kate?"

"Yes," comes the small voice at the other end, and Lanie nods and continues.

"Let him look after you, okay? I know you don't like needing anyone, but you need some looking after right now, and let me tell you, Castle's the one to do it. Let him cook for you and take care of you, okay?"

"Okay." Kate sounds kind of muffled, and Lanie thinks she hears a sob.

"Oh, sweetie. You're okay."

There's a deep breath, and Kate speaks. "I'm… I'm such a mess, Lanie. Want to know something terrible?" She doesn't wait for an answer. "I nearly kissed him, last night. This morning. Whatever- when he got out of bed-" At this, Lanie's eyes widen, but she wills herself to stay silent- "I nearly kissed him." She sighs. "Who am I kidding, Lanie? How can I be the kind of person that Castle- ugh!"

"First of all, Kate Beckett, stop selling yourself short. Have you talked to Castle about what he wants?"

There's a huff on the other end of the phone that Lanie takes as a no.

"Secondly- does this mean that you're finally seeing what the rest of us have been seeing for years? That there's something between you and Castle?"

"I-"

This time it's Lanie who doesn't let Kate continue. "You listen to me, now. I see it. Javi sees it. Ryan sees it. _Jenny _sees it, and she's only met you a handful of times. Hell, this Jane Doe on the table sees it, and she's cold."

"A Jane Doe? A murder? Is-"

Lanie rolls her eyes. "I was kidding."

"Ugh. And Jenny? How does she supposedly know there's something to see?"

"She's not stupid. None of us are stupid, Kate."

"Except me. Is that what you're saying?"

Lanie makes a face. Her best friend got shot a matter of weeks ago. Is calling her stupid too harsh? She shrugs to herself. Probably. "No. Not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is that you need to relax and let yourself heal. And you're not going to be able to do that if you're second guessing yourself all the time. Castle invited you to the Hamptons with him because he cares about you. All you have to do is let him take care of you. The rest will take care of itself."

There's silence for a moment, and Kate speaks again. "Lanie? Did you really think I called to tell you I slept with Castle?"

Lanie bites her tongue a second, before replying. "I was kind of surprised," she admits. "After all, you _just_ had surgery."

Her name is a curse on Kate's lips, and the ME grins. She's made Kate laugh, and that's the best she can hope for.

"Go, Kate. Go have dinner with Castle, and relax- concentrate on getting better, and enjoy summer at the beach, okay?"


	10. I give that hope your name

**I build each one of my days out of hope**

**and I give that hope your name**

_Lanie bites her lip. Her best friend got shot a matter of weeks ago. Is calling her stupid too harsh? She shrugs to herself. Probably. "No. Not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is that you need to relax and let yourself heal. And you're not going to be able to do that if you're second guessing yourself all the time. Castle invited you to the Hamptons with him because he cares about you. All you have to do is let him take care of you. The rest will take care of itself."_

_There's silence for a moment, and Kate speaks again. "Lanie? Did you really think I called to tell you I slept with Castle?"_

_Lanie bites her tongue a second, before replying. "I was kind of surprised," she admits. "After all, you _just _had surgery." _

_Her name is a curse on Kate's lips, and the ME grins. She's made Kate laugh, and that's the best she can hope for. _

"_Go, Kate. Go have dinner with Castle, and relax- concentrate on getting better, and enjoy summer at the beach, okay?"_

* * *

When Castle wakes up the next morning, he pulls jeans on over his boxers and rummages around for a clean t-shirt. The best he can find is emblazoned with a _Superman_ logo on the front. Okay, he can live with that, although there aren't quite as many clothes here as he had thought. Maybe the housekeeper threw out some of his when she took Gina's discarded things?

He's not sure what he's going to find when he leaves his room, but as he walks down the hall toward the stairs he sees that Kate's bedroom door is open, so she is obviously up and about. Dinner last night had been an awkward affair, and afterwards she'd fled upstairs right away, leaving him in a cloud of confusion with just the washing up for company.

Now, however, there are soft noises coming from the kitchen, and he follows the sound downstairs to find his muse scowling at his coffee machine with a murderous glint in her eyes.

Turning to him with a wry smile, she greets him softly. "Morning."

"Morning." Castle beams back at her. He's relieved she's still here, and even more so, he's glad that she's here _and_ smiling. He leans back against the bench, watching her reach for the jar of coffee and pull two mugs from the cupboard above the machine.

"I _just_ learned how to use the coffee machine at the precinct," she tells him. "You couldn't have gotten the same one for your house in the Hamptons?"

His blue eyes twinkle. "Want me to buy you a new one?"

Kate laughs and steps aside. "Maybe just teach me how to use this one?"

Castle nods and moves forward, brushing against her, hyper alert to the fact that she hasn't leapt back at the touch. "It's just like the one at the precinct, really. See? It's just a little smaller- one cup at a time works best, and the buttons are all in different places." He reaches past her to open the tin of coffee grounds and their fingers brush. For the second time in as many minutes he expects her to jump away, but she doesn't; the hint of a smile twitches on her lips.

"I was really tired last night," she says, and he thinks that's a kind of apology. It's completely unnecessary, all things considered.

"Feeling any better this morning?" he asks, and she nods.

"Yeah, actually. I slept really well."

"No nightmares?"

"No nightmares," she confirms, as he hands her the first coffee.

He makes himself a coffee and points to the doors that lead into the garden. "Shall we drink these outside? Then real breakfast, and a proper tour."

Kate starts to follow him out, but she stops when she spots the figurine on the kitchen island, putting her coffee cup down to pick it up and examine it with both hands. "What's this?"

Castle chuckles. "I kind of- took it? Yesterday. At your place. I wanted you to have something of yours here- just something little."

Castle's watching her keenly for a reaction, and she bites her lip, hiding a shy smile. "Thank you." She runs her finger along the elephant's trunk, and puts it back down, reaching once more for her coffee. "That's really sweet." She grins and bumps her hip into his in a move that is both intentional and intimate. He swallows and she laughs. "It's also a second degree felony."

* * *

Still smiling, Kate follows Castle down to the edge of the property, where a couple of white chairs overlooking the beach are set up, already plumped with cushions. "How's the pain?" he asks.

"Better," she tells him. "I'm still taking- well, not much- I've finished my course of antibiotics, and now it's just painkillers. I think I can switch to ordinary Tylenol now.

He eyes her suspiciously, and nods. "Okay. But you're not going to over-do it, right?"

She laughs. "When have you ever known me to over-do it?"

He makes a face, conceding a lost cause. "Well- you won't over-do it much, right?"

"Right. I promise," she says softly. They look out over the beach, and she breathes in the fresh air, so different to New York's plethora of smells. She wasn't lying. After the long drive, followed by the phone call with Lanie, she'd been a mess. Now, though, she's had a proper sleep, and she feels much better. She doesn't think she's going to be sorry she agreed to this.

"So what do you want to do today?" Castle's voice shakes her from her thoughts and she considers.

"I want to walk. Along the beach."

"Uh-huh." He nods. "We can do that."

Kate looks at him, unsure how to explain the next part. If they'd had this conversation last night while she was tense and overtired, it would probably have consisted of a curse word directed at the man she- _the man she appreciates for taking care of her_- she corrects herself. "Castle- if you want to walk with me today, that would be… nice. But- you know me, right?" He nods, and she continues. "I don't want you to worry about me. Sometimes I'm going to want to walk along the beach alone. And just generally… be alone. And I can't have you following or worrying every single time."

Castle doesn't look at her when he speaks, just gazes out over the water. "I can… leave you alone. Sometimes. But I can't promise I won't push, and I definitely won't promise to not worry about you."

"Okay," she agrees. He'll push, she knows that. But there's a part of her that recognises that he tends to push when she needs it most. "I can live with that."

* * *

Kate does go for a walk after brunch and a tour that overwhelms her; and Castle holds himself back and pretends to be fine with the idea of her going off on her own. He wonders whether calling some of his neighbours and asking them to 'just hang out on the beach, maybe walk a bit' would be going too far, and regretfully realises that it would, given Kate's reaction when he tracked Alexis using GPS. He does stare after her as she makes her way down the beach and watches until she rounds the corner and walks out of sight. He sighs before going back inside and booting up his laptop.

Before he sits down and opens his files, he takes the time to call Gina, feeling awfully virtuous as he declines to trade barbs with his ex-wife in spite of her goading. Instead, he calmly fills her in on the abridged version of the last few weeks' events.

Gina, to her credit, is generous, verbally extending his deadline without making him grovel, although she reminds him that until she meets with her boss, it's not a done deal. He agrees readily, knowing she doesn't have the final say and he does need to get another few chapters to her as soon as possible. At the end of the day, though, he's the one doing the writing, and if it's not ready, it's not ready. They can sue him for breaking contract (they've threatened more than once before; empty threats every time) but they can't physically force him to write.

He sits down with Nikki at last- the bare bones of the story are there, but there's so much more he needs to add. The dedication, too- he'd figured on this one being for Kate like the others- he'd figured on all of them in the series being for Kate, truth be told, but there's someone else that this one belongs to. Even though writing the dedication is usually the last thing he does, he adds a page to the beginning of the file for Roy.

To Castle's surprise his fingers fly over the keys. The times he'd made himself turn his computer on while Beckett was in hospital had led to the consumption of quite a few glasses of scotch, and no corresponding increase in his word count. If anything, it would have been the opposite, but he'd long had the rule of not deleting anything in a sour fit of anger. He'd learned the hard way that it was a sure-fire way to lose the good stuff too.

When he finally looks up it's to Kate standing before him almost two hours later. Her hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail. Her cheeks- for the first time since before Montgomery's funeral- are pink, and there's a warm smile on her face. She looks _alive_ in a way that she hasn't; less haunted, perhaps. He's glad he'd stopped being an ass about following her around when she wanted to go on her own, because a walk in the sun has done her good.

"Hey," she greets him, drinking thirstily from a water bottle. Sweat drips down her brow, and he allows himself to get lost in the idea of cupping her face in his hand, and wiping it away with his thumb, just for a second, before he brings himself back.

"How was your walk?" he asks. She's almost unsteady on her feet as she steps over to the bench by the window, and only now does he realise how hard she's pushed herself.

How did a mere walk become this much work for someone as fit as Beckett? Castle remembers seeing Kate after a work-out at the precinct. Each of the few times he'd seen her in sweats and a tank top had been a treat. She was _hot_ when she was sweaty, and he'd _wanted_ her. "No time for dirty talk," he'd told her once, the whole while thinking that making time for dirty talk would be more than worth it. This version of sweaty Kate, though, is agony to watch, and he stands up, ready to catch her if she needs him. "I think I overdid it," she says, but the smile is still playing on her lips as she sinks into the window seat, and he sits beside her.

"You wanna go upstairs and rest?" he asks her, but she shakes her head.

"No. I just want to sit for a minute. Then I'll take a shower." She casts her eyes to his laptop. "Are you writing?"

"Uh- yeah. Gotta get back to Nikki, you know?" He's almost apologetic, which is silly, but he feels a bit funny discussing Kate's fictitious counterpart with her. Much as he gets a kick out of teasing her from time to time, he's also a little uncomfortable. Truth be told, he always has been, and they've never talked about the series in any great depth.

"What's she up to?" This is the most direct Kate's questions have ever been, and he considers his answer for a moment before he tells her.

"I'm… rewriting a _lot_ of the stuff I had down. I had some ideas, some scenes all set to go- but I need to change a whole lot of it up."

"Like what?"

"Um- like I already had a fair bit about Montrose in this story, but I'm adding a lot more, that's becoming the main story instead of just the B plot."

"Oh." Kate's silent for a moment. "Is Nikki- does Nikki get shot?"

He shakes his head. "I- Kate, do you want to know? I mean, really? Because I'll tell you, but only if you really want to know."

She chuckles softly. "Warning me about spoilers, Mr. Castle?"

He laughs too. "Kind of. I guess." He shrugs.

Kate's hair is escaping its ponytail, and she sweeps the stray hair out of her face. "I guess I don't really want to know. I just… I don't want Nikki to get hurt," she admits. "Is that stupid?"

"No. God no. And noted. I'll take care of Nikki, I promise."

She visibly relaxes. "Who are you dedicating this one to?"

Castle remembers the last time he was asked that question- he'd wanted to dedicate one of the last _Storms_ to a friend from college. That hadn't gone down well with Gina. "Um-"

"Because-" Kate stops. "Sorry. It's none of my business." She leans back against the pillows. "Just go back to writing. I'll just sit here a bit, if that's okay."

Castle nods. "Of course." He stays where he is a moment longer, and then brushes his fingers lightly across her knee as he gets up. She doesn't acknowledge the touch one way or another, just closes her eyes and rests her head against the window frame.

He sits back down at the desk, but the moment is gone. Castle's used to writing with Alexis in the house- he's even become used to writing with his mother around- but sitting this close to Kate and writing Nikki is too much for him, and he reluctantly shuts down the file and closes the lid on his laptop. "Montgomery," he says suddenly, turning back to her. "I'm dedicating the book to Roy."

He thinks he sees her recoil, ever so slightly, before she schools her features. "It seems right," she agrees, and he runs his hand through his hair.

"Given the circumstances, yeah."

* * *

Kate eventually goes upstairs and showers, and rather than write more, Castle goes upstairs too, hovering for a minute outside her bedroom door while pretending to make sure the paintings in the hallway are all straight. He's concerned about her and after her shaky steps he thinks he's earned the right to worry. In reality, though, he thinks that he's mostly just tormenting himself by thinking about her in the shower as he paces.

Sometimes, when he really wants to torture himself he reminds himself that he actually has seen her naked before, although she'd kill him if she realised just how much he'd seen when he'd quickly snuck a look while she was shivering in the tub. Of course, the joke was on him, because the perfect lines and curves of her limbs and torso are now imprinted on his brain forever.

When he hears the water turn off, he makes his way back downstairs before Kate can come out of the bathroom and spring him. The timing couldn't be better because the doorbell buzzes, and he happily accepts the package that the FedEx delivery guy hands him, signing with a smile. Awesome. Time to get everything set up then.

He's nearly done when he hears light footfall behind him. "What's this?" Kate asks.

Castle grins. "Did I ever tell you that I'm a world champion… in building blanket forts?" He's set the den up nicely- drapes are blocking out the afternoon sun, and a stack of blankets and cushions populate the sofa. It's already late afternoon and he'd kill for a glass of wine, but he thinks Kate's painkillers probably preclude alcohol. Instead, he's going to make tea, something light in caffeine.

She gives him one of her patented _are you for real _looks, which he takes as a good sign. "Uh-huh."

"No, really," he insists. "I put the aircon on, as well, so we don't get too hot under the blankets."

Kate rolls her eyes at him, and he smirks. "And look- there's a package for you on the kitchen counter- you might want to check it out."

"Since when do I get mail here?" Kate asks, but she turns and heads back into the kitchen to find it.

She carries it back into the den and he laughs at her trepidation. "Open it," he tells her, and she does so reluctantly, breaking out in a smile when she slides a fingernail beneath the tape and opens the box to see the mystery beneath the Amazon packaging.

"How many seasons did you get?" she asks, sorting through the stack of DVDs incredulously.

"Uh- ten or so. I wasn't sure which ones to get, but I thought the first ten years should start us off nicely." He points to the DVDs at the bottom. "And I got a couple of others on a whim- I don't know if you like this kind of thing, but it's good."

Kate nods, biting her lip, but not hard enough to repress a smile. "Well, I kind of like Sci-Fi, so yeah, I could watch a Space Western."

"I'm going to make us some popcorn- you choose which season of _Temptation Lane_ you want to start with, okay?" He watches as she settles into the sofa and flips through the DVD covers, before turning back to the kitchen.

* * *

"Which season is Martha in?" Kate asks when Castle comes back, balancing tea and popcorn on a tray.

He makes a face. "Hopefully none of the ones we have here. And if we do happen upon a scene where she and Lance- ugh" He squirms uncomfortably. "Some things you just can't unsee- but we'll be skipping those episodes."

"So let's start at the beginning," she suggests, before something else catches her attention. "Hey! Where did you get those mugs?"

"What, these old things?" Castle chuckles. "I may have liberated them from the precinct break room by accident a while ago."

"How do you _accidentally_ steal kitchenware from a police station, Castle?"

He shrugs. "Just… kind of happened. And it was _hard_ sneaking these out under my jacket," he whines.

"And you want _credit_ for taking them?" Kate rolls her eyes and reaches for one of the NYPD mugs. "What kind of tea did you make?"

"Peppermint," he tells her. "It's what I felt like. But I should have asked what you wanted- I have a few different kinds."

She looks at him for a moment. "Peppermint is perfect," she tells him at last. And it is. She inhales deeply before sipping, suddenly transported back to her childhood. The opening bars of _Temptation Lane_ play- a theme song that hasn't changed in more than a decade, and here she is, curled up under blankets, sipping peppermint tea from an oversized mug.

"Kate?" The concerned voice brings her back, and she looks up, almost surprised to see the man beside her on the couch. "Are you- okay? Is this too much?"

Kate looks at him, surprised. "Hmm?"

"You're crying," he tells her, his brow furrowed.

"Oh." Kate wipes her eyes, surprised to find her lashes damp. "Oh- I didn't realise."

Castle reaches over, wiping one last tear from her cheek, more tenderly than she would have believed possible. Kate freezes at his touch, and he seems to realise it's too much. He pulls back, spilling his tea in the process. "Damn."

Kate leans in instinctively to pat at the damp patch on his jeans, but stops herself before she does something as stupid as touch his leg. "Did you burn yourself?" she asks, looking up, surprised to find Castle's face mere inches from her own. _Crap_. She ducks away before she can stare too long at his mouth and do something she might regret.

"What? Uh- no. I'm fine." He reaches a tentative hand to her knee, and she nods, letting him stay close.

Kate takes a deep breath and wipes at her eyes again. "My Mom," she says at last. "I just- I miss her."

He nods, and she puts the mug down on the coffee table and leans back, letting herself relax against him. Castle, for his part, takes it in his stride and stretches his arm out, resting it lightly over her shoulders. "You making a move, Mr. Castle?" she teases, surprising herself with her boldness.

Castle's eyes twinkle and he pulls the popcorn up from the table and settles it between them. "Not at all, Detective Beckett," he says. "Just making sure you can reach the popcorn."

Kate swallows, another tear threatening to escape. He keeps doing that, and she knows he doesn't mean anything by it, but she can't- not now. It's not- it doesn't feel like her. He's been calling her Kate more than ever before, every so often he slips and she can't handle it. "Kate," she whispers.

"What?" _Temptation Lane_ has been playing in the background all the while- she doesn't mind missing it, it's not the kind of show that requires a whole lot of concentration- but he reaches for the remote and hits pause. "Kate? What is it?"

She shrugs, feeling silly. And cue the waterworks; she groans in frustration. She hates this. Whether it's the last of the medication she's still on, or just a "normal" side effect of being shot, she hates how easily the tears have been coming in the last couple of weeks.

"Hey…" Castle's cupping her face in his warm hands, and she's shaking her head.

"I- it's silly."

"It's not silly," he insists.

She takes a deep breath. "I feel- I feel like Kate. I don't feel like Beckett, or Detective Beckett. I feel… like I'm hiding out from my life, being here with you, and I don't know how to be Beckett out here. I want to care about what's going on at the precinct, I want to want to solve _this_-" Kate presses her hand to her chest- "But I'm so- tired. Getting up each morning is taking so much effort, and I just-" Kate shakes her head. "Castle- I just- can we just watch some more?"

"Shhh… Kate" His arms are suddenly around her and she lets herself fold in under his shoulder. He reaches for the remote again and presses _play_. "Of course. Let's watch."

* * *

**A/N: MANY thanks to Ky for the read through/beta, as well as the other FB girls 3 And to Berkie for her help! ;)**

**Every read and review is mega appreciated, and in case anyone is wondering, the working title of this one in my head was "t****_he one where Castle steals a bunch of stuff_****".**


	11. You don't feel the same

**and I don't know you that well**

**but it don't take much to tell**

**either you don't have the balls**

**or you don't feel the same**

* * *

_She takes a deep breath. "I feel- I feel like Kate. I don't feel like Beckett, or Detective Beckett. I feel… like I'm hiding out from my life, being here with you, and I don't know how to be Beckett out here. I want to care about what's going on at the precinct, I want to want to solve _this_-" Kate presses her hand to her chest- "But I'm so- tired. Getting up each morning is taking so much effort, and I just-" Kate shakes her head. "Castle- I just- can we just watch some more?"_

"_Shhh… Kate" His arms are suddenly around her and she lets herself fold in under his shoulder. He reaches for the remote again and presses _play_. "Of course. Let's watch."_

* * *

The popcorn is long since finished, and they've been curled up on the sofa watching the soap for hours, when Castle hears Kate's stomach rumble. "Uh- Kate?"

"Yeah," she admits. "I'm kinda hungry."

"Um-" Castle moves to pick up Kate's wrist in an intimate move to cast a glance at her watch, but is surprised to find it's not there.

"Yeah- I can't wear the necklace right now," she says. "I mean, I guess I could get a shorter chain, but-"

"Do you want a shorter chain?" he asks, ahead of himself already and mentally scouring online jewellry stores.

"No," Kate assures him. "I can wait. But I feel a little strange wearing one without the other. So… no necklace, no watch."

"Fair enough. Well… I was going to cook, but I think it's gotten kind of late, so now I'm thinking pizza. How does that sound?" Castle asks.

"As long as no Nicks are involved, I'm game."

* * *

"So…" The pepperoni pizza is gone, inhaled almost as soon as it arrived.

"Yeah…" Castle stands and stretches. _Temptation Lane_ has fried any and all brain cells, and if he'd planned earlier on writing some more Nikki after Kate goes to bed, that's off the table now because his brain has been wiped clean of plot lines and character arcs. He had no idea that Kate would be able to watch four discs in a row, and he's almost dizzy recalling the storylines they just bore witness to. Tomorrow he's pushing for sci-fi, Kate's recovery be damned, and he might order a few more DVDs online. He thinks he'll call Alexis and Martha and get them to bring some other good movies and shows too, when they come up.

"I'm going to go to bed," Kate says, and suddenly the awkwardness from last night is back.

Castle nods. "Yeah. Yeah, me too. Uh- I'll just clean up here first-"

"Oh- I can help-" Kate reaches for a plate the same time he picks it up, and they both drop it at the same time. The plate falls back onto the coffee table with a clatter. "Oh." Kate laughs nervously.

"Go." Castle waves her upstairs. "I'll, uh- I'll be up soon." He mentally slams his palm into his forehead. _Way to make it sound like you're going to bed together, Rick_. "I mean- I'm going to clean up here. And I'll see you in the morning."

The trace of a smile is on Kate's lips. "Good night, Rick." She sidesteps him and leaves the room before he can do something stupid like touch her again. He's left staring after her to replay the evening in his head; holding Kate when she became upset, eating pizza together, bringing her tea. He carries the plates back into the kitchen and puts them in the dishwasher, and puts the pizza boxes in the trash.

It's quiet here; not quiet like her Dad's cabin, but quiet nevertheless, unless you count the ringing in his ears from the _Temptation Lane_ theme song. _Every_ damn time. When Castle marathons shows he usually skips the opening credits after a few episodes, but Kate had caught his wrist when he'd reached for the remote.

"What are you doing?" she'd demanded.

"Just… skipping the credits," he'd said, bewildered.

"No. I like to watch them," she'd said, and he'd quietly withdrawn his hand, nodding. He regrets his acquiescence now that his head is spinning as though he'd indulged in a few too many shots of tequila.

He hears the low shudder of the pipes and knows that means Kate's in the shower. Castle picks up his laptop in case he gets any middle of the night inspiration after all and heads upstairs too. He showers as well, pulling on some fresh boxers and crawling between his sheets, waiting for sleep to claim him.

* * *

It can't be much later when the light changes and Castle stirs. A slender figure is silhouetted in his doorway, and he sits up. "Kate?"

"I can't sleep," she tells him, shutting the door behind her and padding softly across the room toward him.

He pinches himself to check whether or not he's dreaming (apparently not) before lifting the covers and inviting her in.

Kate hesitates for a second at the side of his bed, and he thinks he sees a slight shrug in the darkness, before she slides in beside him. "Castle?" she asks.

"Mmm?" They shared a twin bed two nights ago at the cabin, but this feels different. More volatile. Castle's frozen in place as he contemplates. They've had an afternoon and evening together on the relative safety of the sofa, the soap opera drama a backdrop to their own calm. Now, though, there's just silence echoing through the house, no background hum to generate the comfort that had come so easily in the den.

"Can you tell me a story? Some more about Nikki, maybe?" She gasps softly as she shifts, and he's reminded again of just how injured she is, physically.

"Of course." Castle lets himself breathe her in as he spoons her awkwardly. Her hair is still damp from her shower and he recognises the coconut shampoo from the guest room. Like summer. He has to shake his head, push the thoughts out of his mind. He shifts awkwardly, uncomfortably aware that he'd deemed it a good idea to go sans t-shirt to bed tonight- his chest is pressed up against her sleep shirt, and he's well aware of the pulsing heat where their skin meets because Kate's top has risen slightly. Likewise, smooth legs press against his, and he takes a deep breath and clears his throat. "So- uh- Nikki?"

"Nikki," she agrees softly, her voice thick with sleep. "Don't spoil me though… just tell me what's going on with Nikki and Rook?"

"Okay," he agrees, but her breathing changes, and he can tell she's close to sleep, if she's not there already. The abridged version then, he decides. "So Nikki knows she can only really trust Rook…"

* * *

Kate's awakened during the night to a jolt and a whimper. It takes her a moment to get her bearings, and heat floods into her cheeks as she remembers crawling into bed with Castle. The mortification she feels is quickly put aside as she realised what's happening. Castle's having a nightmare.

He squirms and gasps, and she hears her name- he cries out in anguish, and she shakes him, gently, trying to wake him as he had done for her in the cabin. She doesn't get any response at first, so she reaches over to the bedside table and fumbles around. Eventually her fingers grasp a switch, and she switches the lamp on. The room is bathed in a soft light, and Castle groans. Kate shakes him again, and he opens his eyes, gasping for breath.

"Oh..." he breathes. "Oh- I had a nightmare."

"I see that," she tells him, bringing a hand to his cheek. He's warm, too warm, and as he pulls away from her, she sees he's drenched in sweat. "What were you dreaming?" Kate asks him quietly.

"Oh- uh-" He avoids her eyes and shrugs.

"Me? Did you dream about… me?"

He nods. His eyes are still glazed, and he rubs his face blindly. "I- yeah. About your… shooting."

"I'm sorry," Kate whispers, her eyes filling with tears.

"For what?" That seems to bring him back to the moment and he sits up to look at her properly. "What do you have to be sorry for?"

"I'm sorry because… if I hadn't been so gung-ho about pursuing this, maybe we could have avoided this whole mess. Maybe- maybe the Captain would still be here."

"No, no." Castle shakes his head. "If it's anyone's fault- I did this. I pushed you to look into this, I started the whole thing-"

"Stop," Kate tells him. "You- it was a long time ago. It doesn't matter. And you didn't start it- the person who had my Mom killed started it."

Castle nods. "I know," he agrees, but something's still off, and Kate can only frown.

"Do you want to tell me about the nightmare? Would it help?" she asks.

Castle sighs and shakes his head. "I don't think so. Just-" He stops himself and Kate blinks at him.

"Just… what?"

"You don't remember, Kate. You- you have to go through all of this-" he waves his hand around, gesturing at nothing in particular- "but you don't remember, and you don't have to relive it when you close your eyes." He pauses and steels himself. "You still have to go through all this. So- it doesn't matter. If I have a few nightmares. It doesn't matter, because it's nothing compared to what you're going through, and all that matters is that you get better."

"I wish I remembered, Castle." Kate shakes her head. "Not because I _want_ to remember, but because it's not fair that you have to."

Castle shrugs sadly. "It is what it is, Kate." He sits up and gets out of bed. "I'm- I have to take a quick shower."

"It's the middle of the night, Rick," Kate tells him.

"I know- I just- I'm all clammy." He shakes his head like he's still trying to rid his mind of whatever images were tormenting him, before heading into the bathroom.

Kate lays there uncomfortably and listens to the taps turn on followed by the thundering of the water. It's stupid, she knows that, and she does have enough to worry about, but she's angry at herself for not remembering. He's carrying a burden different to her own and she's angry that he's carrying it alone.

Kate's falling asleep again by the time Castle comes back out, but it doesn't escape her notice that he's wearing a t-shirt as well as his boxers now- she's almost surprised to find she cares and there's a twinge of disappointment now that he's covered up.

This time she opens the covers for him to climb in beside her, and he casts her an anxious look. "I didn't know if you'd still be here," he tells her.

"Mmm…" Kate's drifting off again, and her eyes are already closed as Castle reaches over her to switch the lamp off. "Where else would I go?" she mumbles, and she thinks she feels him press a kiss into her hair.

* * *

Kate's surprised by how big the room is. The light is streaming in through the gaps in the curtains and she looks around as she stretches. Beside her, Castle is sprawled out. Oh. Yeah. Well. This is different to sharing a twin bed in her childhood room in her Dad's cabin. She rolls her eyes at herself, and sits up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. She looks behind her. Wow- again. Last night she hadn't taken _any_ of this in. It's the epitome of a bachelor pad, and she bites her lip, even more uncomfortable. Kate wonders how it escaped her notice last night- the bed isn't even against a wall, it's just in the middle of the room.

Beside her, Castle moves, stretches, and finally, opens his eyes. "Kate?"

She turns to face him. "Yeah?"

"Hey…" He smiles. "Morning."

"Morning." She blinks back the heat behind her eyelids, because, damn it, she won't cry this early in the morning.

Of course, Castle notices, and he sits up too, shifting so he's right behind her. "What's wrong, Kate?"

"It's- nothing. It's stupid."

"It's not nothing," he insists. "You're upset."

"I was thinking-" Kate tries to choose her words carefully. _None_ of this is defined. None of it. For all she knows- well, she thinks she mightn't know a thing. For all she knows, there's nothing to know and Castle's just being a good friend. A partner. After all, she's the one who climbed into bed with him. Maybe he invited her to his place out of a sense of guilt or duty. Especially if he really does blame himself for setting this in motion three years ago. She chews on her lip while Castle looks at her. "I was just thinking about how many women must have lain here before me."

The look on Castle's face is one of horror. "Oh, Kate. No." He pauses too, reaches for her but obviously thinks better of it and she winces because he's just so damn careful all the time. "Kate- yeah, okay. I'm not going to deny that I've brought women here- but- none of them," he pauses again. "None of them were you," he finishes carefully.

Kate exhales, letting out a breath she hadn't known she was holding. "I shouldn't have even said anything," she tells him. "I mean- we're- it's not like we're…"

"Not like we're…?" Castle nudges. Damn it. He's taking her lead again, and she wishes he wouldn't.

"Castle," she exhales through clenched teeth. "I'm not- I'm not good at this- and I'm not _ready_ for- in any case."

He seems to understand, just nodding. "Kate- I'm not going to pressure you. For anything. Ever. Least of all for a definition. Especially now. But- can I just say this? And don't overthink it, or make more of it than it is. I'm not pushing." He reaches out and takes her hand. "Whatever we are- right now, or in the future, or whatever we've been- and _how_ever it is between us- whether we just stay friends-"

"Partners," Kate interrupts him softly, watching his thumb trace circles on her hand.

"Partners," he agrees. "You're the only woman I want here, okay? In my house, in my bed-" Kate swallows, and he nudges her. "Don't overthink it, remember. Let's just get dressed, and go downstairs and get some coffee, okay?"

* * *

The week melts away, the days blurring together in a canvas of long walks, and more movie marathons than either Kate or Rick think possible. They watch more episodes of _Temptation Lane_ than Castle cares to admit to. (Three more episodes, after the first day when they devoured an entire four discs. That's all he'll watch, and when he presses her, Kate admits she's overdosed as well.) They make their way through Castle's space western- and the corresponding movie. Encouraged by Kate's enthusiasm, Castle suggests another series that he figures on being similar; he'd seen the first season when it aired. He lives to regret it, taking an instant and justifiable (and in Kate's opinion, inappropriate and unreasonable) dislike to one of the resistance fighters in the second season. When she suggests watching _Nebula 9_ instead, he grudgingly agrees to continue what they've started- he's unconvinced by the weak _Nebula 9_ premise she offers up and studiously ignores the way her eyes light up.

They fall into an easy rhythm- for the most part Castle cooks, interspersed with takeaway, but each morning is punctuated by the hiss of the coffee maker and a few choice curse words on Kate's part as she wrestles the appliance.

In spite of Castle's assurance that the machine is essentially the same as the one at the precinct, she struggles with the steamer each time. Although now that Castle thinks about it, he rarely sees her using the one in the break room at the twelfth- he's the one who makes the coffee there if he hasn't brought her one on his way in- so perhaps she hasn't mastered that one either. And each time she insists on pushing through, refusing to be defeated no matter how many times Castle offers to step in.

It's a point of pride, he comes to realise, that she can turn the tables and be the one bringing the coffee, so he steps back and lets her brutalise the expensive coffee maker on a daily basis.

Kate walks along the beach each day, occasionally allowing Castle to join her, and she pushes through light yoga each afternoon. The grace with which she usually holds herself is all but gone as she struggles through the reps she's been assigned by the hospital appointed physiotherapist. She's tough, though, no less stubborn than before. Perhaps more so, as she pushes herself through the tears that he sees spring to her eyes, before she angrily wipes them away, and keeps going with the work out.

Castle writes when Kate walks alone, and when she naps. He speaks to Alexis each day- conversations that leave him none the wiser about his daughter's day to day in the city with Martha.

The evenings, too, take on a pattern. Neither is willing to discuss the turn of events come the light of day. They don't touch, during the day, nothing more than cursory brushes against one another that can be explained as accidental, unless they're on the sofa watching DVDs in the darkened den, but as night falls and they each excuse themselves to bed, Kate inevitably finds her way into Castle's room. He doesn't close the door in the evenings; instead, he gets into bed each night waiting for the pad of her feet across the bedroom carpet sometime around midnight.

"I couldn't sleep," she whispers, sometimes, but Castle doesn't care, just sighs with relief when he hears the soft click of his door closing, and the soft crumple of the covers as she slides in between the sheets. She usually falls straight to sleep, and he's left stroking her hair or arm. Come daybreak, she leaves, and showers in her own bathroom, and they avoid talking about it. Occasionally she'll sneak back to her own bed before dawn and he lets her go, unsure of whether or not he should follow. He meant what he said- he doesn't want to push, and letting her in each night is different to following her back to her own room, or worse, materialising there.

By the end of the week, though, it seems Kate thinks they do need to talk about it. They're drinking coffee in the sun again. It's good, and Castle thinks Kate might have really gotten the hang of the machine, based on how good the coffee is and how quickly she made it. "Are Martha and Alexis really coming tomorrow?" she asks.

"Yeah. That's the plan. How do you feel about that?" he asks. He wants her to be comfortable, but he's not asking permission on this, because he needs Alexis to be comfortable too. His conversations and texts with his daughter have been brief all week, and he's eager for her to come down, relax for a bit. Much as he does like Ashley, he's also not interested in lying to himself and pretending he's okay with the amount of time his daughter is spending with her boyfriend.

"No, it's good," Kate assures him, but there's an uncertainty in her eyes.

"What is it, Kate?" he asks.

"Nothing." She averts her eyes. "I just- I got used to it just being you and me, okay?"

"Can I get that in writing?" he jokes, and she glares at him.

"Maybe not _that_ used to you," she shoots back, and he shrugs, laughing.

"What is it then?" he presses.

"I- I guess I'll have to sleep in my own room, when they're here, right?" She chuckles softly. "I know I'm being stupid, Castle. I know we're not… anything. And I really don't want your Mom and your daughter thinking something… that they shouldn't be thinking."

Huh. Castle sits up, indignant. "Katherine Beckett. I told you that I wouldn't push. Not for a definition, and not for anything else. But you can't just say that we're _not anything_, and expect me to accept that. We never talk about things. Not what's happened since you were shot, not that kiss, not last summer, and not the freezer. The freezer- honestly- I could live without talking about that. And the kiss? I have no idea what we are Kate. But we're in each other's arms every night- and I don't want to push. I don't. But don't tell me we're nothing."

"Oh." Kate presses her lips together and is silent for a moment. He thinks she won't say anything, expects a change of subject the next time she opens her mouth, but he's surprised. "We're not nothing, Castle."

"All I needed to hear, Beckett," he tells her, but she continues.

"I don't want to talk about the freezer, either. But- I was sorry that I went home with Josh that night. I know- it doesn't mean anything now. But-" Kate breaks off and shakes her head. "I think that's when I really knew that keeping one foot out of that relationship was all on me, and that I really didn't want to dive into anything with him."

"But you stayed with him." Castle's voice isn't accusing, just a tired statement of fact.

"I stayed with him, for a while, yeah. Too long, really." Kate's voice is tired too, but unwavering. "But I'm not with him now, and I think that's what counts."

"That's what counts," Castle agrees, and he reaches over to Kate and takes her hand. They sit for a while, holding hands. Castle marvels at the way her fingers absently twine with his own, and he looks out to the clear horizon, filled with hope.

* * *

**A/N: Many thanks to Kel for the beta read through! And many thanks for all the reviews from everyone. I think I managed to message everyone, but I get so tangled, so sorry if I did miss you. JSYK there are three more chapters, including the epilogue :)**


	12. Come here

**come here, stand in front of the light**

**stand still, so I can see your silhouette**

* * *

"_I don't want to talk about the freezer, either. But- I was sorry that I went home with Josh that night. I know- it doesn't mean anything now. But-" Kate breaks off and shakes her head. "I think that's when I really knew that keeping one foot out of that relationship was all on me, and that I really didn't want to dive into anything with him."_

"_But you stayed with him." Castle's voice isn't accusing, just a tired statement of fact._

"_I stayed with him, for a while, yeah. Too long, really." Kate's voice is tired too, but unwavering. "But I'm not with him now, and I think that's what counts."_

"_That's what counts," Castle agrees, and he reaches over to Kate and takes her hand. They sit for a while, holding hands. Castle marvels at the way her fingers absently twine with his own, and he looks out to the clear horizon, filled with hope._

* * *

The Ferrari roars up the driveway, and it only takes an instant for Castle to be jarred from the relaxed routine he and Kate have established. The car pulls up in front of the house with a screech of tires that has Castle wincing as he hurries outside to meet them; Martha at the wheel, and a windblown teenager in the passenger seat.

"Gram wouldn't let me drive," are the first words out of Alexis' mouth as she hugs her father, and Castle shrugs, shuddering internally at the thought of his mother in control of his car.

"I don't like the idea of either of you being behind the wheel of my car, to be honest," he says, hugging Alexis back.

Martha steps carefully out of the car, adjusting the scarf wound around her head. "Isn't it wonderful?" she greets her son with a beaming smile. "I had no idea I could drive that fast!"

"_How_ fast, Mother? You know there are speed limits in this state, no matter what kind of car you're driving."

"Nonsense," she says. "The young man who pulled us over-"

Off Castle's horrified look, Alexis interrupts. "She's kidding. She drove- well- _close_ to the speed limit the whole time."

Castle feigns wiping his brow in relief. "Well, it's good to see you both."

Alexis opens the trunk and slings her backpack over her shoulder, and Castle takes Martha's suitcase. "Mother! How much did you pack?"

She waves him away with a breezy hand. "Now, now, Richard. A woman always wants to look her best."

Alexis reaches back into the trunk for one more thing before she closes it. "Where's Kate?"

"Inside. In the den. She fell asleep while we were watching a movie."

"And how is she?" His mother is a flurry of concern, and Castle's heart warms. This is what Beckett needs, he thinks- family and friends. A tangible reminder that there are people who love her and who have her back. He should call Jim, too, get him up here in the next few weeks.

"She's… okay. Sore. Healing, though. She's getting there." Castle considers. "Nervous, I think, about having a few more people around. But I think she's looking forward to seeing you two." If this visit goes well, maybe he'll be able to convince Beckett to let him invite Esposito and Lanie up, as well as Ryan and Jenny, before the summer's out.

He heaves Martha's suitcase up. "Let's get you two set up and then I'll see if Kate's awake."

They make their way into the house and up the stairs. Alexis opens the door across the hall from Castle's bedroom and steps into the room that has been hers since he bought the place almost a decade ago. Martha raises her eyebrows. "Any particular room you'd like me to take, Richard?"

Castle shakes his head. "Take your usual room. No reason not to," he tells her, and Martha opens the door beside Alexis'. A little too cosy, he thinks wryly. Hopefully Kate won't freak out- there are literally a dozen bedrooms in this place, yet somehow everyone has ended up in the same corridor. Well. If Jim or the boys come down later in the summer he'll make a point of offering them rooms on the other side of the second floor.

Alexis is positively bouncing when she emerges from her room, and he pulls her in for another hug. "How has it been in the city?" he asks. He may have spoken to her each day, but he missed her, and he has the sudden realisation that this is what it's going to be like if she goes to Stanford. God, he hopes she changes her mind about that, and he makes a mental note to ask Kate for advice.

* * *

Kate stirs when she hears Martha's voice carry through the house as the woman descends the stairs. They're here. She sits up and rubs her face. She hasn't regretted being here, not once since the mini meltdown she'd had on the day they'd arrived, and she wonders if this is about to change. Much as it pains her to admit it to herself, she's intimidated by Alexis. She never knows where she stands with the girl. She scoffs at herself- a grown woman, and a detective at that- threatened by a teenage girl.

Kate stands up as Martha and Alexis enter the room, followed by Castle. "Darling." Martha swoops on her and kisses her cheek, but seems to think better of hugging her, for which Kate is grateful. Sleeping next to Castle is one thing- even asleep, the man seems to have a sixth sense about just how close he can get without her scar pulling- but she wasn't sure that Martha, in her flamboyance, would pause to take note of the physical practicality of Kate's situation. She relaxes, assuming that the teenager won't embrace her, but she's surprised when Alexis crowds in as Martha retreats, squeezing Kate's arm and kissing her on the cheek too. Kate returns the squeeze on auto pilot, bewildered but pleased.

"Shall we go outside?" Castle asks. "You ladies all go ahead, I'll make us some coffee and we can all catch up."

They file out onto the lawn- Kate had seen Castle pull two more chairs around early this morning in preparation. He comes out with a tray, handing everyone a coffee before taking a seat himself. He's beaming, she notes, as she realises just how much he's missed Alexis. If this is what a week does, she hopes Alexis changes her mind about Stanford.

"So what have you guys been doing?" Alexis' question seems innocent enough, but Kate catches Castle throw his daughter a warning look that she doesn't quite understand. Oh, she understands that Rick wants to protect her, but she doesn't understand what misguided idea has led him to believe he needs to protect her from Alexis' chatter.

"A whole lot of very little," she tells the girl. "Watching movies and TV. Reading- and your father has been writing-"

"Oh- so can I delete Gina's voicemails from my phone?" Martha asks glibly.

"There should be no need for you to have any conversations with Gina," Rick retorts.

Alexis giggles. "Ignore them," she urges Kate. "I want to hear what else you've done- has Dad taken you out?"

Kate laughs. "No-" and off Alexis' indignant look, she laughs. "No- I'm not really up to going anywhere, Alexis," she tells the girl gently. "I have been walking along the beach, but that's about it."

"And swimming, I guess," Alexis replies, but Rick is shaking his head frantically and Alexis trails off. "No…?"

"Um- no." Kate shakes her head, and looks at Castle desperately. He takes her cue and turns the question session around.

"Alexis, I want to hear what you've been doing in New York. How's Ashley?"

"Ash is good." Alexis is obviously confused about what just happened, but she ploughs on. "He's going to California with his parents to look at housing this week." Kate hears the longing in the girl's voice, and feels for the girl, helpless to the situation. Alexis is a smart girl, but her high school love is leaving, and brains don't prepare you for heartbreak. She leans back. Nothing does, really.

"Does he know what classes he's going to take?" Kate asks her.

"I think mostly economics," she says, and Castle makes a face.

"Well, Richard," Martha chimes in. "We can't all be as artistically gifted as those in our family have traditionally been, so economics seems like a sensible option. After all, someone has to do it." Kate grins at Martha's roundabout practicality.

"And there are always ways to make these things more interesting, I suppose," Castle agrees. "After all, my accountant is fairly creative."

Kate rolls her eyes while Martha nods. "Indeed," the older woman agrees, sipping her coffee. "Richard- this is lovely."

Castle nods in Kate's direction. "Thank Kate. She likes vanilla in her coffee- I've gotten into the habit of making them like that."

Kate laughs. "Admit it, Castle, you only started drinking your coffee like that because you got sick of picking up the wrong cup and you thought it was easier than making _me_ switch."

"What can I say?" Castle shrugs, but he's smiling more easily now, and Alexis has relaxed too.

Kate tunes their easy banter out, as she stares out over the water. Swimming. To be honest, she hadn't given it any thought since her meltdown in her apartment. She's seen the beach each day, obviously, but it's still early in June, and the water is too cold. She knows Castle has a pool though- in theory- but it certainly wasn't part of Castle's tour. Damn. He really is trying to protect her, which is sweet, but he shouldn't need to hide things from her.

"Castle?" Kate breaks out of her reverie, interrupting him.

"Yeah?" He looks surprised. "You okay?"

"I'm okay," she assures him. "But I was thinking- maybe it's time for you to show me around properly. Include the pool in the next tour, maybe?"

Alexis' eyes widen, perhaps surprised at her honesty, but Kate just shrugs. She's sort of surprising herself, bringing it up when Alexis and Martha are there, but she doesn't want Castle to shy away from her in an attempt to spare her feelings. "Oh. Oh- of course. I didn't- we can do that," he tells her.

"Okay." Kate bites her lip, but she's glad she took the plunge and said something.

"Well- on that note," Martha stands and puts each of the empty coffee cups onto the tray. "I'm going to retire to my room. All that driving makes a woman want to close her eyes for a bit."

Castle stands too, picking up the tray. "I'll just take these inside- and I can show you the pool this afternoon, okay?" he asks Kate.

She nods and watches him walk with his mother back to the house.

"I'm sorry, Kate." Alexis is looking at her anxiously, and Kate glances at her, surprised. "I didn't realise- I didn't think about how you might not want to swim. That's what it is, isn't it?" she asks.

"Yeah," Kate admits. "That's it. I- none of my suits work anymore." Again, she's astounding herself by how open she's being, but it seems important, somehow, to try and be open with Alexis.

Alexis nods. "I- you can say no- but I have a few that might work for you. If you want to take a look."

"We're not really the same size," Kate protests, but she nods and accepts the offer. "I would like to see them."

* * *

Castle worries while Kate is upstairs napping. He and Alexis make sandwiches- making extras for both Martha and Kate- and he listens to her chatter.

"…So I thought I'd spend some time out there," she finishes, and the turns to her.

"What?"

Alexis makes a face. "Were you even listening?"

"To you? Yes. To… that last bit? No," he admits.

"I thought I'd go out to see Mom in California in a few weeks." Alexis repeats.

"Uh-huh. Well, that's a nice idea, Pumpkin- I'm sure your Mom would love to spend some time with you."

"Yeah," continues Alexis. "And then Ashley and I-"

"Whoa- hold up. Ashley?"

"Well, yeah," Alexis says. "He'll be there already, settling into Stanford, so we can spend some more time together when I'm with Mom."

Castle sighs. "Alexis- this might be your last summer at home before you start college. If you want to visit your Mom, or spend time with Ashley, I understand- but can you please make sure you're doing what you want to do, not fitting in with Ashley's plans. Besides- I thought he was spending the rest of his summer in New York."

"No," Alexis says. "He's looking at moving out there in a few weeks." She shrugs and he sees the anguish in her eyes.

"Come here," he tells her, and pulls her into a hug.

They've eaten before they're interrupted by soft footfall and they both turn to find Kate standing behind them, several swimsuits in her hand. "Thanks, Alexis," she says. "These are actually really good." She hands a couple back to Alexis, holding on to a navy one, and swallows. "Castle, how about you show me the pool?"

Castle nods. "Of course."

"I'll see you guys later," Alexis excuses herself, before casting an anxious look at Kate. "Unless you need me?"

"I'm good, Alexis," Kate tells his daughter, and the redhead nods.

When she's gone, Castle turns to Kate. "I didn't mean to hide it from you, honestly. I just wanted-"

"I know, Castle," she tells him gently. "I get it. But you can't walk on eggshells around me, just because I'm in a fragile kind of place right now."

"I know," he sighs. He takes her hand, leading her out of the kitchen and across the lawn, through to the pool. To his surprise she doesn't pull away, just links her fingers with his.

"Wow," Kate says, taking in the pool house. "This is nice."

"I'm glad you like it. And I am sorry I didn't show you earlier."

"That's okay," she tells him again. "It's- I'm not that comfortable with the scars. Or the bruises."

Castle nods, taking towels from the closet by the pool. He hands one to Kate, who takes it and gazes at the blue of the water.

They're quiet for a bit, and he sees Kate fidget before she speaks. "I thought the bruises would have faded by now," she says.

He shrugs. "I guess it takes time. Your body has so much healing to do."

"I guess," she says reluctantly.

"Well, we just have to make sure you're eating properly. More home cooked meals. Less pizza."

"I guess- but I like pizza," she scowls.

Castle chuckles. "Yeah, but not as much as you like Chinese," he counters.

"Chinese! We've been here a week and we haven't had any. Is there anywhere around here that delivers?"

"I thought we were going to try more home cooked meals?" he teases.

"Well- you cooked this morning. That... smorelette thing."

"Which you loved," he beams proudly.

"Which... I kind of... loved," Kate admits, wrinkling her nose. She'd hated the idea of the smorelette, but had polished it off when he'd served it up, her clean plate belying her protests. She shrugs, dismissing it. "Would you mind letting me swim alone?"

Castle shakes his head. "I- honestly, Kate, I'm not that thrilled by the idea of you being alone when you walk along the beach. And in the pool- if you get into trouble- I'd rather someone was here with you. But- if you don't want it to be me, I can ask Alexis, or even Mother."

He sees Kate's internal struggle as she decides whether or not to try and fight him on this, but she obviously sees that he's not bluffing, and she nods. "Okay. You can stay."

* * *

Kate ducks into the bathroom attached to the pool house to change. The navy one piece is neither a colour or a style she would have chosen, but it's nice. It comes right up above her breasts in a straight line, with a thin strap making a V and tying around her neck, so she can be confident the neckline won't slip. She comes out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, and sits at the edge of the water, trying to work out the best way to slide in modestly. She shrugs the towel off and takes her opportunity when Castle takes his turn in the bathroom, dipping underneath the surface and getting her hair wet right away.

Castle plunges into the deep end a second later, cannonballing and splashing her.

"Oh," Kate laughs. "You couldn't just get in, you had to make a splash."

Castle's eyes light up. "Look at you," he teases. "Making puns. I'm proud- I think I've rubbed off on you." Kate rolls her eyes, and he laughs and splashes at her. "Is this warm enough?" he asks. "Because I can change the temperature."

"It's perfect, thank you." She closes her eyes and relaxes in the warm water.

It is perfect. They both make their way up and down the pool a few times, Castle splashing at her when he passes her. Why is she not surprised? She has no doubt that he was the kind of Dad who probably dunked Alexis, and she thinks he'd probably dunk her too, if he weren't being so careful with her. The buoyancy of the water is amazing, and Kate moves more freely than she has in weeks.

Being in the water is more relaxing than Kate had anticipated, even having Castle so close. She's less nervous than she thought she would be, wearing so little, and she treads water and lets herself watch him as he swims up and down. The water makes it all a little blurry, and she reminds herself this is a good thing- he can't see her either. In spite of the distortion, Kate smiles at the view. Those are… some arms. Of course, she'd seen him the other night when she'd surprised him by sneaking into his room and his bed, but this is different. More gratuitous, somehow. Maybe because since then he's been carefully clad in t-shirts.

She's lost in thought and surprised when Castle surfaces behind her, tapping her on the shoulder. "You're it," he tells her and swims off. She splashes in his general direction, before following. At first Kate thinks she won't be able to catch him, but she realises pretty quickly that he's not really trying very hard, and she's across the pool to him in no time. She taps his shoulder, but instead of letting her swim away, he catches her hand, holding it.

They stay like that for a moment, treading water, and Kate finds herself watching their hands linked together, unable to pull away. Castle's getting a little closer, in fact, leaning in, his left hand finding her right, and she finds herself breathing heavily all of a sudden. She can't take her eyes away from his mouth. Damn. It's going to happen- it's going to happen, he's going to kiss her, and she's so unprepared. But she can't make herself pull away; she doesn't want to, and in spite of the water her legs feel like jelly and it's all she can do to keep afloat.

He doesn't move in any further to kiss her, though, instead opens his mouth to speak. "You're beautiful, Kate," he tells her and she ducks her head. He chuckles softly, maybe surprised by his own candidness as well. "I'm glad you found a swimsuit to wear."

"Well- it's Alexis'," Kate reminds him, and he groans, and the moment is gone.

"And thank you very much for reminding me that you're wearing my daughter's swimsuit." Castle shakes his head, laughing ruefully and leans back, putting distance between them.

Their entwined fingers unlink, and Kate bites down the keen pit of disappointment in her stomach as she floats for a moment before making her way over to the edge of the pool. She knows Castle's eyes are on her as she takes the stairs out of the pool. Her absolute lack of upper body strength at the moment means she can't pull herself out the pool the way she did in LA, but in spite of herself, she thinks she doesn't mind his eyes on her at all.

* * *

Dinner has been a noisy affair, and Kate's been happy to sit back and let the chatter wash over her. Martha has been telling extended stories about her time on the stage, and Kate thinks it's in an attempt to make her feel at ease. It's unnecessary though, because she is comfortable with this little group.

While Martha had been giving her monologuing skills a workout, Alexis and Castle had cooked together- a well oiled machine of teamwork. When the flames had shot up much too high, Alexis hadn't hesitated, turning the grill down and pulling the lid over the flames in the same beat.

Martha's cleared most of the plates and returned with three glasses, and a bottle of rosé.

"I prefer red," she tells them, with a wrinkle of her nose. "But," and she nods out to the beach, "it's summer and that does call for something a little lighter, so we shall have to make do." She pours a glass for Castle without asking, before turning to Kate. "Katherine- will you have a glass of wine?"

"Please," she says, thrown by the use of her full name. She's never noticed Martha doing that before.

Alexis seems to notice her discomfort, and leans over. "Gram doesn't like nicknames- she thinks it's more respectful to use people's full names."

Martha nods. "Well- Katherine is a beautiful name- I don't really understand people's need to shorten their names." She shoots Castle a look. "Or change them."

Castle rolls his eyes. "Thanks," he tells Kate. "You've started this discussion again."

"You're bothered by the fact Castle changed his name from Rodgers?" Kate asks Martha.

Martha bobs her head non-committally as she pours the wine. "Bothered- no- not exactly. I just think it was unnecessary. Rodgers is a perfectly good name."

"She's bothered," Castle stage whispers to Kate, and Kate and Alexis both hide their smiles.

Martha hands a glass each to both Kate and Castle before picking up her own glass. "Well, cheers, folks. Here's to Katherine and Richard." Kate blushes, wondering what she means by making that statement, but Martha continues. "And to Katherine's good health."

"Is it okay to drink alcohol?" Castle asks Kate.

She nods. "A small glass is fine. I'm not on anything but the occasional Tylenol now."

Alexis sips her apple juice, quietly watching. "I brought something with me, Kate," she says. "Just in case you wanted it over the summer."

"What's that, Alexis?"

Alexis gives her a shy smile. "I'll get it," she says, before ducking out of the room. She returns a moment later with a guitar. "It's mine- but I don't really use it. But I remember Dad said you played-"

"You know that?" Kate asks Castle.

He nods. "I know- I remember seeing the guitar at your place. I- uh- guess I told Alexis."

Alexis smirks. "What you said was 'Kate's really good at the guitar'," she teases her father.

"Oh yeah?" Kate laughing at Castle now. "And how do you know I'm good, since you've never heard me play?"

Castle scratches his head, looking sheepish. "Just… kinda figured."

Kate rolls her eyes. "Well… I'm not that good, but I do like it." She bites her lip, reaching for the instrument. Alexis has been full of surprises. She can never really get a handle on the girl, but she encouraged Castle to come down to the cabin, came up with a swimsuit for Kate, and now this. Meanwhile, she thinks she can read some level of torment in the girl's eyes, and if she had to guess, she'd lay money on boy trouble. "You don't play anymore?"

Alexis shakes her head. "I switched to the violin. Guitar was fun, but I think I'm a better violin player."

"As I was saying earlier-" Martha waves her hand to make the point. "Those in our family- regardless of last name-" she shoots a glare at Castle- "are all very gifted, artistically. Alexis with her violin is no exception."

"Thanks, Gram." Alexis chuckles lightly.

Kate strums at the guitar. She can't hold it properly, she's not able to bend her torso quite right, but she balances it on her lap and runs her fingers over the strings. This is the first evening she and Castle haven't retired to the den to watch DVDs after dinner.

Martha sips from her wine, reaching for the bottle to top up everyone's glasses."No more for me, thank you, Martha," Kate says, covering her glass with her hand. She can feel the one she's had already. This is the first alcoholic drink she's had in a while- she takes in a sharp breath when she realises the last time she'd had anything to drink had been when Roy had offered her his flask in his office when she'd demanded he kick Castle out. She buries her head in her hands briefly, running her fingers through her hair and sighing. Roy's been gone for less than a month, and it feels like everything has changed.

Kate leans back again, opening her eyes to three sets of worried eyes watching her.

"I'm fine, guys," she tells them, rolling her eyes ruefully. Castle looks like he's about to open his mouth and dispute her claim, and she shuts him down with a slight shake of her head. "Really," she tells him, and there's no mistaking that she's talking to Castle rather than Martha and Alexis.

Castle shakes his head at his mother when she moves to offer him another glass of wine, concern still in his eyes.

Alexis looks at her watch and sighs, a heavy sigh laden with an angst that could only be caused by a teenage romance. "I have a Skype date with Ashley," she announces, and stands up. "I hope you enjoy the guitar," she tells Kate.

"Thank you, Alexis. I will," Kate promises, and the girl heads inside.

Martha smiles. "That's my cue, too, then." She takes her glass as well as the bottle, and Kate grins. For someone who claimed disinterest in the idea of a rosé, the older redhead has certainly given the impression of enjoying it.

"What was all that about?" Castle asks when Alexis and Martha have both gone.

Kate shrugs, considering what to tell him, and decides to be honest. "I was thinking about the last time I drank alcohol."

"Oh yeah?" This was clearly not what Castle was expecting, and his brow is furrowed as he looks at Kate. "And… when was that?"

"Um." Kate worries her lip between her teeth. "It was after you and I had that- fight. And I went to Roy. And we talked. About- well, about you. We talked around the case, I guess, but we talked about you. And he- offered me a drink from his flask. Scotch."

"Oh." Castle looks out across the water. The sun has set and the last of the daylight is fading. "You forgave him?" It comes out as a question, but Kate thinks it's really a statement. He was there, when Roy made his stand. He knows what she said to her mentor, what he said to her.

"I did. I do," she assures Castle. Her voice is shaky. "Did I ever tell you how we met? Roy and I?"

He shakes his head, and she sees the glint of eagerness in his eyes; he's always one for a story.

"I was in- I don't know. My first week? It feels like it must have been my first week. I was so green, Castle. Seriously green. I was done with the academy, and I thought I was- I don't know what I thought. I thought I could solve my Mom's case. If I could just make detective, I could reopen it- it had already been cold for so many years." Kate shakes her head. She'd been so young. "You saw me, in the last few weeks," she says.

Castle nods. "On the edge of the rabbit hole," he says flatly.

"Yeah," Kate agrees. "But back then- it was worse. You have no idea, Castle. None at all. I had Mike, and nothing else. No _one_ else. My Dad was so deep in the bottle. Mike was going to help me, which- but I was so lost. And Montgomery. Well. He found me down in archives and I had _no_ clearance to be there. None. He could have written me up- I could have been stuck in traffic for the rest of my career- not so glamorous for Nikki, huh?" she jokes, and Castle chuckles. "He let me go. Told me he'd never seen me, didn't know a thing."

Castle nods. "He saw something in you," he offers. "A tenacity."

Kate shrugs. "You know what doesn't make sense, though? I told him I was looking through my Mom's case, that there were things that didn't add up. Why- knowing what we know now- why did he let me keep looking?"

Castle breathes in deeply, considering. "I don't know. I wish we did. I wish we could ask him. I think though- we know he carried his guilt with him his whole career, and he came to love you like a daughter. Maybe he always knew that day in the hangar was going to come one way or another."

Kate's silent. "I wish we could have saved him," she says at last.

"Me too, Kate," Castle replies softly. "Me too."

* * *

**A/N: MANY thanks for Kellie for the beta read- I think a few readers will be happy this is a long chapter, but I guess Kel had her work cut out for her :) Speaking of length- I know this will be the chapter that looks like it's tipped the word count over the 50k mark, but it's actually not, because of notes and the little italics prequel thingy I am in the habit of doing... Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter guys, I was sick all week and they made me happy. x  
**


	13. I hope you have got all night

**I hope you have got all night **

'**cause I'm not done looking**

**no, I'm not done looking yet**

* * *

_Kate shrugs. "You know what doesn't make sense, though? I told him I was looking through my Mom's case, that there were things that didn't add up. Why- knowing what we know now- why did he let me keep looking?"_

_Castle breathes in deeply, considering. "I don't know. I wish we did. I wish we could ask him. I think though, we know- he carried his guilt with him his whole career, and he came to love you like a daughter. Maybe he always knew that day in the hangar was going to come one way or another."_

_Kate's silent. "I wish we could have saved him," she says at last. _

"_Me too, Kate," Castle replies softly. "Me too."_

* * *

Kate excuses herself to bed, and Castle sits a moment longer, staring out over the water. It's been one hell of a day. He's still mentally cursing himself for not kissing her in the pool earlier. The moment had been right there, and he'd let it slip through his fingers, another opportunity lost.

He wonders how different things would be if Kate remembered being shot. If she remembered him telling her that he loved her. Maybe not that different, he muses. After all, she's broken up with Josh; and at that thought, Castle grimaces. She broke up with Josh mere weeks ago. Is it too soon to start something? He sighs. It doesn't matter if it's too soon to start something, because it's far too late to stop anything. He loves her, and he thinks on some level she knows that. It _has_ begun- whether they had kissed in the pool today, or whether their first kiss (second, he corrects himself) is still weeks away. After all, they're currently sharing a bed.

Castle stops short. They have been sharing a bed, but he wonders whether Kate will still make her way into his room tonight with Martha and Alexis across the hall. When Castle makes his reluctant way upstairs, his hope fades when he sees that Kate's door is closed, and the light is off. She must have turned in already.

Castle can hear Alexis, her soft voice coming from her room where she's Skyping with Ashley. A pale thread of light comes from under her closed door, and he knocks, entering when Alexis calls out. His daughter is under the covers in the single bed she's had since childhood.

"Hold on, Ash," she says to the screen.

"Hey, Pumpkin. Sleep tight," Castle tells her, standing in the doorway.

"Night, Dad," she replies, moving the laptop and getting up to hug him. "Love you," she whispers in his ear.

"You too, sweetheart, you too," he tells her.

Castle goes into his own room with some trepidation. He's become so used to sleeping wrapped around Kate, and knowing that she won't be there tonight is making him morose. The overhead light is off, but before he switches it on, he sees light shining under his bathroom door. Huh. He must have left a lamp on when he left the room this morning. But the… noise?

There are muffled sounds coming from behind the door, and he takes it all in, the realisation slow to come. "Hey," Kate says, coming out of the bathroom. She's holding a towel and drying the ends of her hair, wearing her usual short shorts and sleep shirt.

"Uh- hey." Castle does a double take. "You're… here."

"Is that okay?" Kate's brow is furrowed suddenly, and Castle laughs softly.

"I thought- we talked about this, and I thought you didn't want to do the midnight walk of shame," he tells her, flicking on the lamp by the bed.

Kate steps away from the bathroom door and into the room, smiling wryly. "Well… I didn't. So I thought starting in here might be easier."

"It was. It is," he assures her, smiling back. Like an idiot, he's sure, but he finds he doesn't care. "I'll uh-" he points to the bathroom, and she bites her lip.

"Take your time."

When Castle comes back out of the bathroom, Kate's lying on her back in his bed, propped up on all the pillows, a book in her hand. She looks so at home there that he stills for a second, just watching her, enjoying a fantasy he didn't even know he had; suddenly this vision before him is the only one he wants as his reality. He's never pictured something so domestic before. He's wanted her, loved her, even, but he suddenly knows this is _it_, in a way that hasn't been apparent before. He's been entertaining the idea of them as lovers for years now, but it's all coming home to him now that this version of Kate is the one he truly wants. The hot detective who reads, hangs out with his family, loves his daughter, plays guitar and watches inane amounts of terrible television.

Kate looks up at him, and mistakes his stare for something else. She waves the book at him. "No- don't even start with me."

"I-"

"No." She waves the book again. "If you want me to read one of your books you need to write faster, because I've read everything you've- I've read all the _Nikki_ books," she corrects herself.

"Uh-huh," Castle agrees dryly. "I wouldn't dream of suggesting otherwise." He snickers. "Strikes me as funny though, as someone who doesn't read my books, that you went to the trouble of buying my entire collection and labelling each one of them as yours- not to mention the one I apparently signed for you."

Her mouth falls open in surprise and indignation. "How- what- _how_ do you know that? You had the _arrogance_ to open every one of my copies of your books?"

Castle shrugs, smirking. "Uh- no, actually."

"How, then?" she demands.

He raises his eyebrows. "Promise you won't be mad?"

"How can I promise that, Castle? I'm _already_ mad."

"Well… don't be mad at _me_. Although you're cute when you're mad, so I guess I can handle it." Castle waits a beat. "Ryan."

"What?" The lines on Kate's forehead gather in consternation, and Castle climbs under the covers next to Kate, taking a closer look at the book in her hands. It's his copy of _The unbearable lightness of being_. Nice.

"A long time ago," he assures her. "Back when we started working together. When you were being- _mean_ to me."

"Mean?" Kate interjects with a raised eyebrow. "I was never _mean_. You were a jackass, and on top of that, you were a jackass who was trying to get into my pants."

Castle dismisses her objection with a shrug and continues. "Ryan told me that you were sure to warm up to me since you were a fan- I guess he saw your copies when we worked that first case?"

Kate narrows her eyes. "When I get back to the twelfth, Ryan's going to be lucky if he even gets to see his wedding day," she threatens.

Castle grins, and leans over to run his fingertips down Kate's bare arm, fascinated by the goosebumps tickling across her skin. "Sorry I don't remember signing your book," he whispers.

Kate smirks and and puts the _Kundera_ down on the nightstand. "Can't imagine I would have stood out. After all, I wasn't exactly flashing my boobs like all the other girls in line."

He grins, still captivated as he traces lines on Kate's skin. "That's exactly why you would have stood out. The mystery." He's wistful when he continues. "I'm sure I would have noticed you then- I just wish I could remember." He laughs softly. "After all, when have you ever been in a room where you weren't the most beautiful woman."

Kate shakes her head. "Beautiful, huh?" She takes Castle's hand from her arm, pushing him back gently so that he is no longer touching her, and she reaches down with shaking hands. "Let me show you something," she says, as she unfastens the bottom two buttons on her shirt.

"Kate-" he says. "You don't have to-"

"I do," she replies fiercely. "I do have to." Kate raises her shirt, and he sees the end of a red line right across her side, shadowed in the yellow remnants of faded bruising. He frowns, and she laughs, a bitter sound. "Did you realise how they did it? How they _repaired_ me, Castle? Did you know that the shot that I took here-" she presses her hand between her breasts, breathing in heavily- "that bullet hole made a tiny mark. A little red dot. It's- kinda puckered up. It should keep healing nicely." She chuckles again, a low throaty coughing sound that has him shifting uncomfortably. "Smaller than a nickel. Here though- here's where they _cut_. All the way up my side."

"Oh, Kate," he says, at a complete loss as to what he should say.

"Don't," she says fiercely. "Don't _look_ at me like that. Like I'm so different." There's a bite in her voice, and he wonders what it cost her to say all this, to tell him and let him in.

He closes his eyes, gathering himself, before turning onto his side so he's facing Kate again. "I know you think you were just a conquest in the beginning. And I'm not going to lie, in the very beginning you were. But really, by the time we'd finished that first case, you were already way more than a conquest; you were a challenge. You challenged me. You pushed me every day to be more than the playboy author who stole a police horse." He pauses, running his fingers through his hair. "It can't have escaped your notice that I party and date a lot less than the tabloids portray. I'd rather be home with Alexis and I always have, really. But somewhere I got lost along the way, and acting that way, being that way- it became a habit. Now, though- since I've known you-"

"What?" Kate asks softly, when it looks like he's not going to continue. She shifts too, and now she's on her side, facing Castle.

He shrugs. "I don't have a whole lot of friends, Kate. Not really. I have my daughter, my mother. I have guys like Patterson- they're my friends, but they're also my competition, and I can go months without seeing them and not give a damn." He clears his throat. "So yeah, I don't have that many friends. Not real friends. I've never really minded- never really wanted to share myself, and Alexis has always been enough for me. But then- I met you. And yeah, okay, if I go more than a few days without seeing you, I find myself waiting for a body to drop, just so I can- I don't know- bring you a cup of coffee. So I can see you smile."

Kate bites her lip. "What are you saying, Castle?"

Castle has a moment to wonder if she knows what she's asking, if she's ready to hear what he has to say. But without his permission, his mouth opens and he finds himself plunging on. "I'm saying I love you, Kate. I'm saying I've known that for a while now. And I'm saying- don't hide your battle scars from me. And don't ever try and tell me you're not beautiful. With or without the scars- they don't make you different to the woman I fell in l-"

Castle is cut off when Kate's lips push against his, gentle at first. Soft. Sudden. Like everything he's been dreaming about since the day they'd done this undercover, and nothing like that. It takes him a moment to realise this is happening, really happening, and then he's kissing her back, his mouth open and hot against hers.

Castle cups her face in his left hand, then moves so his fingers are making their way through her hair. She's gasping against him and he shivers in anticipation as she wraps her arms around him, moving in to deepen the kiss. Her right hand has found its way under his shirt and he moves his own hand, daring to stroke her side and just begin to touch the swell of her breast over her top.

His mouth finds its way to her throat, and she doesn't stop him as he runs his thumb roughly over her breast, delighting as he feels her nipple stiffen beneath the fabric of her shirt, and she gasps, a sound that has him sucking on her neck.

Kate's hands are moving up his back, and then he feels her fingertips inch just below the waistband of his boxers at the back. Castle's pressed up against her, for the first time since they've been sharing a bed, and it doesn't escape his attention that her hips are rocking towards his own, apparently involuntarily.

"Oh," Kate gasps at last, pulling away, pushing him from her. Her cheeks are glowing and her lips are red, and he thinks she's never looked more lovely. "Castle-"

"Kate," he finds himself saying gravely. His fingers slide back into her hair, pulling the strands from her face. "Is this- are you okay?"

"I'm-" Kate bites her lip, and he sees a shine in her eyes. "I'm good. I just- I can't- not more than this, okay? Not yet."

"Of course." Castle is quiet for a moment. "Whatever- whenever you're ready."

"Soon," Kate smiles, and he feels like an idiot as he feels the grin spread over his face.

"You're- in this, though?" he asks, feeling like a teenager.

She nods. "I'm- yeah, Castle. I'm in this. Unless you aren't?" He sees a hint of panic flare in her eyes, and he shakes his head frantically.

"I'm in, Kate. I'm in."

Castle finds himself gazing at the woman lying next to him. He's still a little wound up, but he forces himself to take deep breaths. They're getting there. Kate smiles back at him, and leans in, brushing another soft kiss against his mouth before rolling over. "Can we sleep now?"

Castle folds himself around Kate, moving her hair aside and kissing her neck, delighting as he feels the ghost of goosebumps against his lips. She sighs quietly, nestling into him, and for the first time he's not afraid to lie flush against her; he has nothing to hide and if she doesn't know the effect she has on him by now, she never will.

* * *

When Kate wakes up, she stretches and smiles, her cheeks warming as she remembers kissing Castle last night. Wow. The man can kiss. They may have kept everything chaste last night, but she's confident that if the kissing is anything to go by, she won't be disappointed when they get to the next stage. Which she hopes will be soon. She rolls over, looking at the man beside her. He's still sound asleep, and he looks smaller somehow, his face relaxed. He looks younger in sleep, less worried. She sighs as she considers; he worries about her most of all, she thinks. She reaches out, curling her fingers around his. He stirs slightly, snuffles, but doesn't wake up.

Kate realises that until last night she'd unconsciously been waiting for Castle to make the first move; but she knows now that it was never going to be that way. For all his childish tendencies (seen less and less frequently these days) the man was patient. He was never not going to wait for her. She'd turned the tables and she'd been leading their relationship since the day he foisted himself upon her. Smiling, she uncurls herself from the beautiful man beside her. How to manage what has to come next?

She pads over to the bedroom door and opens it a crack, peeking out. The house is still and silent, a relief; the other doors in the hall shut fast. Because, _god_, she does not want to be seen doing a walk of shame, or any kind of walk by the other inhabitants of this household, so help her. This thing with Castle is _new_ (four years? Not so new, her brain helpfully supplies) and she wants to keep it to themselves. For now. For as long as possible. Which, given how much subtlety Castle possesses, will probably be about five minutes with his family this morning, and about a day in the precinct, when they get back to the city.

It looks like it's safe, so Kate casts one last look at Castle sleeping in his bed, before making her way into the hallway and closing the door very carefully behind her. There's no sound coming from behind either Alexis' or Martha's doors, and Kate literally tiptoes past them and down the stairs into the kitchen. She breathes a sigh of relief once she's made it that far, switching the machine on and reaching for the coffee grounds and vanilla creamer. Castle likes to make fun of her, but she thinks she's gotten the hang of the machine by now, and she hasn't messed up the steamer for a few days. She'll never admit it to him, but she's not as comfortable with the machine at the precinct as she should be- she relies on him to bring her coffee and only really attempts to take on the machine when he's not there to do it for her.

The coffees made, Kate carries them back upstairs, trying again for stealth, but it's unnecessary; the house remains quiet, and she balances the two cups in one hand as she turns the door handle, shutting it behind her quietly. There have been so many turning points in their relationship in the last month, and Kate's dizzy just thinking about it. Now, though, there's no going back.

* * *

Castle stirs. Something is wrong. The bed- it's too cold- Kate should be here; he was sure he would wake up to her in his arms this morning, and he's disappointed, even if it makes sense. She probably wants to get up in her own room this morning, he doubts she's going to want Martha and Alexis to know about the change in their relationship status. If, in fact, there has been a change in relationship status. Castle's suddenly terrified that Kate will have changed her mind overnight.

He's jarred from his spiralling musings by the soft click of the door closing, and he twists and looks around, finally sitting up and seeing her. Kate. "Hey," he says, almost shyly as he breaks out in a grin.

Kate holds two cups up. "I made you a coffee."

He reaches for the coffee as she steps closer to him, settling on the edge of the bed and sipping from her own cup nervously. "Not a dream, huh?" he asks, and she blushes.

"Not a dream," she assures him. "Definitely not a dream."

"And you're still- in- aren't you?"

Kate chuckles, and bites her lip. "Still in, Castle." She leans forward and kisses him, marvelling at how easy this all is. How right it feels.

They break apart and he grins. "Thanks for the coffee."

"No problem." Kate wrinkles her nose. "Besides, don't I owe you, like, a hundred coffees?"

He laughs- but stops abruptly. Wait- does she- "You don't owe me any coffees," he says suddenly. "None. You know that right?"

"What?" He can tell she's not really concentrating. She'd only meant it as a throwaway remark, but she turns to him, apparently surprised that he'd said anything.

"Coffee," he tells her slowly and painstakingly. "You don't owe me a hundred, or ninety nine, or any. I didn't give them to you as a bargaining chip or a balance sheet. I gave them to you because I know you really like coffee, and I know you like coffee with vanilla. And I like you. No other reason."

"Castle," she breathes, putting her own cup on the nightstand and taking his from his hands and placing it next to her own. She kisses him, hard, and it takes him a moment, but then his hands are on her, sliding beneath her shirt. He feels her ribcage as he runs his hands up her back, then moves around, not hesitating, cupping her breast in his hand and teasing the nipple, unhindered by the shirt this time.

He's encouraged by the gasp that comes out of her mouth, and he breaks the kiss to pull her shirt over her head, taking a moment to run his thumb lightly- oh so lightly- over the scar in the centre of her chest. "God, Kate," he manages, and she nods, letting him lie her down. He's deathly afraid of hurting her, but he doesn't think even that can make him stop. At this stage the only thing that could stop him would be an indication from Kate that she needs him to pull back, but as she struggles with pulling his shirt over his head, that's not the impression he's getting.

* * *

"So that was…"

"Amazing," Kate finishes, biting her lip and turning her head to face Castle.

"Amazing," he echos, rolling onto his side and running his fingers along her stomach, before tracing the ink on her hip. "And you really do have a tattoo," he adds, his eyes lighting up, and Kate groans.

They're quiet for a moment. Kate breathes in, enjoying the still of the room. She feels like she never wants to leave the bedroom, like they've created something here that won't exist in the real world when they go downstairs and face Martha and Alexis, but her stomach rumbles. "Shower?" Kate suggests. She sits up and winces. Maybe they should have taken things a bit slower. But when she was in hospital the idea of being intimate with anyone anytime soon certainly hadn't occurred to her, and she'd neglected to ask her doctors how long she should wait. She twists and stretches, trying to feel whether or not any damage has been done.

She groans, and Castle sits up, a horrified look on his face. "Are you okay?"

Kate rubs her face, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "I am. I just feel a little more bruised than I'd expected to." She shrugs, laughing. "Didn't expect to be doing that so soon."

He laughs too, but nervously. "We can wait. Until you're really better. Before we do it again-"

She cuts him off with a kiss. "I'm really fine," she assures him. "And I can wait… a while. But, not too long," she says with a wink. "So… shower?"

Kate stands, reaching out for Castle's hand, and he follows her into the bathroom, turning the spray on and stepping under it, pulling her after him.

She takes the shower gel, squeezing some onto the sponge that hangs over the tap, and soaps up, well aware of Castle's eyes on her. She turns slightly, suddenly shy. Just a few days ago she was too scared to go swimming in case her scars and bruises were visible under a swimsuit and now she's naked with Castle? Deep breaths, she reminds herself, but she can't quite calm herself, and she runs a hand over her face. "_Shit_!"

Her curse startles Castle, and he crowds in. She pushes him away with soapy hands, pushing the sponge at him and standing and turning so her face is under the hard spray.

"Soap in my eye," she mumbles, still panicking. God. She just slept with Castle, and she's in the shower with him, and she suddenly feels very vulnerable and exposed.

"Hey," Castle says, stroking her back. "Hey… okay?"

She takes another deep breath and chokes a little, turning to him sheepishly. "Okay," she tells him. "Okay. Just…"

"Freaking out?" he finishes.

"Freaking out," she says, laughing wryly. "I thought I was doing so well."

He looks at her, tenderly running his hand along her face, and she brings her own hand up to cover his. "Kate," he breathes, leaning in and kissing her forehead.

"I want to keep this to ourselves for a bit," she tells him. "So, when we go downstairs, and your Mom and Alexis are there…"

He nods. "Understood. To ourselves."

"Just until we- _I_- get a handle on this. Okay? I'm not- maybe I'm not as ready as I thought I was?"

"Oh, Kate," he breathes again. "Kate- you told me I had no idea. But you- _you_- have no idea. How much I love you. How much I don't want to push you."

Kate presses her lips together uncertainly and focuses on the tiles. There's that word again. It doesn't surprise her, somehow, but she can't give it back to him. Not yet. "Just- give me time, okay?" He nods, and she continues. "I feel like there's a wall around me, like I built a tower. It feels like it's crumbling and I keep thinking I need to bring in reinforcements, build it up higher and protect myself." She looks at him. "But I don't, do I?"

Castle shakes his head, the ghost of a smile on his lips. "No, Kate. You don't need reinforcements. You need to bring that wall down; you need a wrecking ball." He chuckles. "Luckily, I know just the person."

Kate laughs, pushing her hand against his chest. "I just bet you do," she nods wryly.

* * *

They make their way downstairs together to find Alexis settles on one of the stools and Martha leaning against the counter in the kitchen, giggling. "Morning, Mother, Pumpkin." Castle kisses each of them on the cheek in turn, and Kate hangs back for a second, suddenly shy about intruding on a family moment.

Alexis twists around so she can see past her father, though, and beams at Kate. "Morning, Kate."

"Morning," Kate smiles back at.

"Good morning, Katherine, Richard." Martha beams. "Alexis and I cooked breakfast for us all, so now that you're both up- at last- we can eat. Help me carry this tray out to the patio," she instructs her son, and he obligingly picks up the tray of pastries. The pastries look familiar, like the ones Castle bought last week, and Kate looks around and sees familiar packaging in the trash.

Alexis hangs back. "I'll make some coffee for everyone," she says.

"I'll help," Kate volunteers, and she grins when she sees the wink Castle throws at her. She takes the two mugs that Alexis hands her.

"Cooking all morning, huh?" she teases the teenager, and Alexis shrugs innocently.

"Uh-huh. And besides, we didn't know when you two sleepyheads would get up." Alexis picks up the last two mugs, and trails out after Kate. "I wanted to use the NYPD mugs," she tells Kate. "But I couldn't find them."

Kate shrugs, smiling to herself. They're on Castle's nightstand now- barely touched and long since cold.

She and Alexis put the coffee on the table outside. Kate takes the seat next to Castle and unconsciously reaches out, taking his hand. He strokes her hand lightly before entwining his fingers with her own as Kate reaches out for her coffee with her left hand. She looks up to see Martha and Alexis both staring, their eyes identical saucers. Crap! She jerks her hand away and that pulls Castle out of his complacency. He chuckles, and nods. "So much for keeping it to ourselves for now," he tells her, and Kate groans.

She'd been sure that he'd be the first one to break, but apparently she can't keep her hands to herself. Stupid hands. She blushes, thinking of just where her hands have been this morning, and clears her throat. "Well. Um." Kate laughs nervously, and hides behind her coffee cup, but Martha beams at her. The younger redhead looks less thrilled, although Kate's glad to see that she can't read any animosity in her eyes.

"Oh, Richard and Katherine. This is delightful. And to think, you kept it a secret all yesterday." Kate smirks. It's probably best that Martha doesn't realise that this only started last night. "In fact," Martha continues, "I think this calls for a celebration, am I right?" She darts inside, emerging a moment later with a bottle of champagne and four wine flutes.

"Mother! It's nine in the morning," her son tells her, and she laughs.

"Nonsense, darling. It's never to early to celebrate."

"And it's eleven," Alexis adds.

Eleven. Wow. They really took their time this morning. Kate blushes again. "Well- uh- thank you." Kate accepts the glass from Martha and giggles to herself as she sees Alexis accept the glass that her grandmother poured for her with a grimace before putting the glass back on the table next to her coffee and picking up her water glass instead.

"So…" Martha raises her glass. "Would anyone care to fill Alexis and I in on the details? I'd hate for us to be drinking so early in the day for no reason."

"I'm sure," Castle tells his mother, shaking his head. Kate nods at Castle, shrugging, and he takes her cue. "It's new," he tells Martha and Alexis. "It's very new. And, well, we hadn't planned on letting anyone know that we're… together." He looks at Kate, confirming that he's doing this right, that he's not saying too much, and she nods. "We're taking things slowly. Very slowly."

Kate nods again, wondering whether they can honestly say they're taking things slowly when they were in bed together an hour ago. She feels silly, like she's a teenager being introduced to her boyfriend's parents for the first time. Except this time her boyfriend is a grown man with an almost grown daughter. She takes a deep breath to calm herself before turning to Alexis. "Is this… okay, Alexis?"

Alexis nods, surprising Kate by taking her hand and squeezing it. "It's okay, Kate." The girl bites her lip as though she's not sure whether she should say anymore, and she sighs, then continues. "I… worry. About my Dad. With you. Not because I think you'll hurt him, but because-"

"Because what we do is dangerous," Kate finishes. "I know. And it is."

There's an awkward silence, which Martha breaks by raising her glass. "Cheers, kiddos," she announces, clinking her glass against the others' glasses.

Kate smiles wistfully, clinking her glass too, and smiling at Martha and Alexis before turning to Castle. "Sorry I kinda gave it away already," she says, wrinkling her nose.

He just beams back. "I'm not."

* * *

**A/N: Many thanks for the beta, TRISH! I appreciate it very much! And to those who reviewed- I am so glad- you have no idea... ;) but my week got away from me already and I didn't get to reply. Epilogue is with Trish now for some final editing and shouldn't be far away. Oh, and? BTW, this is the chapter that knocks me over the 50k mark! x**


	14. Comfort where we overlap

**I search your profile for a translation**

**I study the conversation like a map**

'**cause I know there is strength in the differences between us**

**and I know there is comfort where we overlap**

* * *

**Epilogue**

* * *

Castle's buzzing, and Kate's enjoying watching him zip around, making sure everything is perfect. "So- we're not telling them, right?" he confirms, for the third time in ten minutes. He takes a tray of burgers from the fridge, setting it next to the salads, before pulling glasses from the cupboards.

This time, though, it's Martha who answers. "I don't know who the two of you think you're going to be kidding," she tells them. "You're talking about fooling two trained detectives. All I can say is that being in love has compromised your intelligence if either of you think you can hide your relationship from them with the smitten glow that is emitting from each of you."

"Thank you, Mother," Rick grimaces, and Martha shrugs, leaving the kitchen with a flourish of her hand.

"We're not telling them," Kate confirms. "Not yet. Let's just enjoy having everyone here for the weekend without making any grand statements. Besides- it will be good practice for when we're at work next week and have to go all day without touching each other." She smirks, watching Castle's face fall.

"Although… at the precinct… maybe in the elevator?"

"You've put way too much thought into this already," she tells him.

He shrugs and grins. "I like to be prepared. But okay. No touching at work next week. Except in the elevator. Noted." He looks at her in sudden confusion. "You're… tall."

"What?" Kate glares at him, but something thrills inside her.

Castle looks her up and down, noticing properly for the first time for the first time since she strode downstairs and into the kitchen ten minutes ago. "You… you're wearing _heels_!" he exclaims in delight, and she laughs.

"Seemed like time," she explains, wrinkling her nose at him shyly.

Castle laughs, meeting her in a hug, and kissing her hair. "Let's get this stuff out to the grill by the pool house."

"Have all the rooms been set up?" Kate asks, kicking herself as she does so. Now she's the one getting wound up. She's already asked this- Castle's enthusiasm is obviously catching. She finds herself not caring. She's ready to go with it, and she's just as excited as he is to see their friends again.

"Uh-huh," Castle nods. He pulls Kate to him, kissing her on the mouth. "On the other side of the floor so that none of them will see you and I going into the same room."

Alexis rolls her eyes as she comes in and flops down onto one of the bar stools. "Are you two still doing this? Haven't you been dating for the entire summer now? And you seriously haven't told anyone?" She narrows her eyes at Kate. "Not even your Dad?"

Kate swallows. "No. Not even my Dad." She casts an anxious look at Castle, who squeezes her hand. "Ugh- should we even be doing this? I go back to work next week- we could just see everyone in the city then."

"Too late," trills Martha, returning to the living room. "Because you two have guests- I just saw the first car pull up."

* * *

"You weren't kidding!" The first words out of Lanie's mouth belie her calm demeanour as she hugs Kate and whispers in her ear. She looks around, and her eyes widen. "This place is _amazing_. You _really _weren't kidding."

Kate hugs her friend back. "It's good to see you, Lanie."

"You and I are gonna have _words_," Lanie promises as Esposito nudges her out of the way and zeroes in on Kate.

"He been treating you well?" he asks her as he hugs her.

Kate returns the hug. "You have nothing to worry about, Espo," she tells him.

On the other side of the car, Castle is pulling Lanie and Esposito's overnight bags from the trunk as another car drives up, and Ryan and Jenny get out. Kate hugs each of them, but her attention is pulled away at the sound of the third car approaching. Jim's sedan makes it's way up the driveway and she smiles. It's been almost two months since her Dad had told her to trust herself, and even though she hasn't said anything to him in any of their phone calls, she suspects her father will be the first to realise there's been a change in her relationship with Castle.

Castle's the first to reach her father, shaking his hand and clapping a hand around his back as he welcomes the man. Then it's her turn, and she hugs her father, letting him hold her tight. "Katie," he beams at her.

"Hey, Dad," she replies softly as he steps back to take a look at her.

He shakes his head in disbelief. "I don't know what Rick's being doing-" there's a twinkle in his eye as he jokes- "and I don't _want_ to know- but you look great, Katie. Wonderful."

She shrugs. "I put on the weight I lost in hospital," she tells him. "Castle's a great cook."

"I see." Her father regards her with a dry look. "And I suppose it was his cooking that put the smile back on your face, too."

"Not now, Dad," she blushes, looking around, and Jim chuckles, evidently satisfied that he's been proven right.

"I can take this," she says, and picks up her father's bag to see Ryan glaring at her. "Something to say, Ryan?"

"Uh. No. Just- should you be carrying that?"

"I'm back on active duty from next week," she reminds him. "So as your boss, you better hope I should be carrying this."

Ryan shrugs sheepishly, and she doesn't miss the glare Esposito throws his way, or the way that Jenny moves protectively around Ryan, taking his hand. She grins. She's missed this. The family dynamic that they all share.

Kate and Castle make their way inside with their five guests, all of whom fall silent when they look around at the entrance hall. Kate looks around too, remembering how daunting this place seemed when she arrived. Castle leads the way up the stairs, apparently oblivious to the state of overwhelm, and Kate's reminded again of how different it is when they're all in the city together. She shrugs. It's just a weekend, and the team and her father will get used to it; she has.

* * *

"So, where's your room, sweetie?" Lanie asks, and Kate gulps. "Can I see the other side of the floor?" Kate can only hear curiosity in her friend's voice and she bites her lip. Damn. This is going to be harder than she thought. She'd counted on avoiding the topic, and she'd counted on hiding her relationship with Castle- she'd gone years without touching him, so she's sure that she can manage a weekend with their friends, but this is already starting to feel like lying rather than avoiding.

"My swimsuit is downstairs at the pool already, so I'll show you later," she tells Lanie.

"So, girl," Lanie continues as they walk down the stairs to join the others at the pool. "How has it been? I'm guessing that since you've stopped calling me at two in the morning on a regular basis, things are going well?"

"Yeah," Kate smiles. "Really well."

"And just how well is _really well_?" Lanie pushes, and Kate rolls her eyes.

"I'm… relaxed, okay? I've been walking every day, doing yoga every day. I can't do as many push ups as I could before I was… hurt… but I'm getting there- I'm close to full strength."

Lanie laughs. "Work-outs. Right. And just how much does writer boy have to do with this state of relaxation?" she teases.

"Well- it's his place, Lanie. I've been seeing a lot of him."

"I just bet you have," Lanie replies dryly, and Kate scowls at her friend.

"We're here," she says, turning into the pool house. Esposito and Ryan are already in the water, and Jenny's sitting on the edge of the pool, dangling her feet over the edge. Jim and Martha are both on deck chairs, and Alexis is helping her father arrange drinks for everyone.

Lanie makes a beeline for whatever cocktail Alexis is handing out, and Kate laughs. "Long car ride, Lanie?"

"You said it," her friend replies. "Two hours in a car with Javi- I have been hanging out for this."

"Yo, Beckett. What's Lanie telling you?" Esposito calls out, and Kate laughs. It's the first time anyone has called her Beckett for two months, and she thinks she's ready to be Beckett again, even if she's not quite there yet.

"I'm just telling it how it is," Lanie proclaims, taking an appreciative sip of the mojito, before taking Alexis' arm and pulling the girl over to one of the benches. Alexis shoots Kate a panicked look, and Kate curses to herself. Alexis. She's the weak link, and Lanie's headed straight in for the kill.

* * *

Castle catches the panicked look in his daughter's eyes, and glances at Kate. She looks; well less terrified than he thought she might, but she's just shaking her head and taking a cocktail from the tray Alexis has discarded, so he guesses she's okay. She sips her drinks, watching the boys in the pool, before sitting down next to her Dad and Martha.

"So what have you been up to this summer?" Jim asks his daughter.

Kate glances at Castle. "Movies. And TV shows. Oh, and-" she bursts into laughter. "Castle and I watched a tonne of _Temptation Lane_."

Jim raises his eyebrows at Castle. "And you didn't call me and ask me to take her back to the cabin? You must have it bad, son,"

Castle chuckles, and sits next to Kate. Martha is indignant, however, and he's soon cringing. "I'll have you know that I played my part in the long and rich history of _Temptation Lane_, when Richard was a child. My character married Joseph Fox." Martha counts each event off on her fingers. "She was kidnapped, buried alive, trapped in a cave with bears, uh, kidnapped again, and held hostage in the sewers of Paris."

Jim's eyes widen. "How long were you on the show?"

"Three weeks," Martha nods dismissively, and Jim shrugs.

"Well, Katie and her Mom always did love watching that show," he offers, and Kate and Castle breath a sigh of relief.

Kate closes her eyes, and Castle gazes at her. He so wishes he could just reach out, take her hand… "Quit staring at me, Castle," she tells him without opening her eyes.

"How-"

"I always know," she smirks. "So stop being creepy and go start the grill, okay?"

* * *

Kate changes into her swimsuit. She's been wearing the same one Alexis gave her all summer, and she figures she owes the girl one. And while she's at it, she thinks she'll buy herself a few as well- the navy is wearing awfully thin. Her bruises are nothing but a memory now. Likewise, the scars are no longer the angry shock they once were; the red lines have already faded to a more discreet pink. Still, she figures it's going to be a long time before she's comfortable wearing anything but a one piece. If ever.

There's a knock on the door, and Kate opens it, surprised to find Castle on the other side of the door. He squeezes into the gap between the door and the frame in spite of Kate's laughter as she tries to shoo him out.

"I missed you," he tells her, pressing his mouth to hers.

She chuckles, and kisses him back. "What- for the five minutes we were with our friends?" she asks him. "You can't be in here. They're going to get suspicious."

"Everyone's already suspicious," he says, shrugging. "And this is way more important."

"What-" Kate starts to ask, but she's cut off when he kisses her, hard, pushing her against the bathroom tile. She kisses him back, breathing in sharply as he bites on her lower lip before sliding his tongue into her mouth. "We can't-" she manages, but she's finding it harder and harder to resist Castle's advances.

Castle's hands make their way into her hair, and he dips his mouth to her neck. She leans her head back, giving in entirely as he presses her against the tiles, his leg nudging between her thighs and moving against her- right where she wants him, but oh-god, it's not enough, and she wraps her arms around him, pulling him closer to her, and moaning as his left hand makes its way into the top of her bathing suit, his right hand undoing the ties behind her neck and pushing the one piece back down.

"So- you're going to have to take your clothes off too, if you're planning on doing what I'm planning on you doing," she suggests, and he nods, taking his shirt off before kneeling down to pull her swimsuit all the way down. It puddles on the floor at her feet and Castle kisses his way up her thighs. Things escalate quickly after that- Kate's semi-aware that the bathroom by the pool is probably not the best place for this, but she's past caring by the time Castle's standing again, pressing against her, his mouth meeting her own.

* * *

"Well." Castle clears his throat. "So, I- uh- just came in here to tell you I'm going to get started with the burgers."

Kate chuckles. "Thanks for the, uh- heads up?" she manages, still leaning against the wall, but sinking down a little, her legs not quite able to carry her for the moment.

Castle laughs, leaning against her and kissing her. "Do you think they heard anything?" he asks, tilting his head and indicating their friends outside.

"Considering my Dad is there, not to mention your Mom, and your daughter?" Kate raises her eyebrows at him. "I hope not."

Castle laughs again, and walks over to the sink to wash his hands, before pulling his clothes back on, turning to beam at her. "Kate? I love you."

Kate stills, staring at him. "What did you say?"

It's Castle's turn to look back at her in confusion. "I… love you. Kate?"

"You've said that before?" she asks, and he frowns.

"Yes?"

She waves an impatient hand at him. "I- I know you've said that- here in the Hamptons. But- I just felt like I'd heard it _before_."

Castle hesitates. "I… said it. Once before."

"What?" Kate's frowning. "When? Why do I remember this, but not remember?"

He sighs, leaning against the wall, closing his eyes. "I- uh- I said it. In the cemetery."

"Oh," she whispers. Castle shrugs at her, his eyes full of compassion, and she rolls her eyes and wipes her cheek, surprised to find tears. She smiles up at him ruefully. "I think I kind of remember."

Castle embraces her, and she laughs at the absurdity of it all; having this conversation in a bathroom, still naked, while Castle is fully clothed again. "Are you okay?" he asks.

Kate shrugs. "I think so?" she says uncertainly, and he cups her face in his hands, kissing her forehead, then mouth. "I think I really am okay," she says. "I guess- maybe I'll remember the shooting itself, in time?" She chuckles wryly. "Then I might not be so okay."

"Kate," he sighs.

Kate smiles at him. "I'm okay," she tells him. "So, Go. _Discreetly_. I'll get cleaned up here and be out in a minute."

"When I am ever not discreet?" he smirks at her, and she presses a last kiss against his mouth before waving him out and turning the shower on. She makes a face at herself in the mirror. Remembering. She remembers fear in his eyes, his words hovering over her, like she could snatch them up, if only she could move. She still doesn't remember being shot, or falling, but she remembers laying there, stricken on the ground, while Castle watched her close her eyes.

Kate sighs. So much for taking five minutes to put her swimsuit on. She stands in the shower, her hands on the tiles, letting the water rush over her. These memories are what Castle carries with him. She wipes her eyes again, newly determined. They have to put this to rest, finish it. For both their sakes.

Kate steps out of the shower and towels off, before stepping into her swimsuit again, and checking her reflection in the mirror. She's good to go.

* * *

"Katherine Beckett!" calls Lanie indignantly, and Castle turns to see Kate stepping out the pool house bathroom. Her cheeks are still flushed, but her eyes are dry. He guesses they'll have a chance to talk tonight, about what she's remembered. She's got the bathing suit back on; no way is he letting her give that back to his daughter after what they just did; and she has a sarong wrapped around her waist. "Where have you been?" he overhears Lanie demand, and Kate shrugs, losing the sarong and sliding into the pool.

Castle watches her for a second before turning to Jim. "Ready?" he asks.

"Ready," the older man confirms, turning the grill on and handing Castle the burgers.

They cook in silence for a while, Castle wondering what Jim has worked out about his relationship with his daughter. Castle's a fan of scotch, rather than beer, but he finds himself wishing Kate's father drank so they could be grilling together with a beer in their hands. He flips the burgers, watching as Kate swims up and down the pool, avoiding Esposito and Ryan when they try and dunk her, then teaming up with Esposito to push Ryan under.

"She's happy," Jim says suddenly, and Castle turns to him.

"She… yeah," he says. "I think she is."

"I know she is," Jim replies.

"It's been a good summer," Castle elaborates. "I can't quite believe it's almost over. I kind of still can't believe she agreed to come with me."

"I'm glad she did. I think she would have gone crazy listening to the cicadas in the cabin with me this whole time. She's like a different person," Jim agrees. "Have your mother and Alexis been here the whole time?" he asks.

"My mother? No. She's spent the odd weekend here, but that's all. Alexis has been here most of the time, though," he says. "She visited her mother in California for a couple of weeks, and spent some time in the city with her boyfriend." He winces, thinking about it. Alexis had gone out to California to see Ashley- under the pretence of visiting with her mother- but it had been a sullen teenager who had returned. Ashley hadn't had as much time for Alexis as he'd said he would, and when he'd seen his credit card bill he'd nearly had a heart attack. Evidently Meredith's way of dealing with a heartbroken teenager was to shop, and he been left wishing she'd been a little bit more practical about solving that kind of thing the old fashioned way- with a carton of chocolate ice cream.

Jim nods. "It's hard when your baby girl grows up," he tells Castle, with a meaningful look. "Whether she's still a teenager, or thirty one."

* * *

Alexis hands Kate a plate with salad and a burger with a guilty look. "What's up?" Kate asks her.

"Lanie… kind of cornered me," the teenager admits. "And I don't think I gave too much away, but she's definitely at least a little suspicious that there's something going on with you and Dad."

Kate smiles. "Don't worry about it, Alexis."

Alexis smiles back. "Okay. And Kate? I'm glad you came here for the summer. You make him happy, you know?"

Kate shrugs awkwardly. "He makes me happy too." She laughs. "Just… try not to tell Lanie anything else, okay?"

She sits down at the table that Castle's moved to the patio by the pool. The early evening sun is casting long shadows, but Kate can already tell that the days are starting to get a little shorter. She wonders what this place is like in the winter- does it snow? She smiles to herself, when she realises that she'll probably have the chance to find out.

"A toast," calls Martha, and Kate smirks. The red head busies herself filling the glasses that are empty, and Kate's pleased to see her pour sparkling water in Jim's wine glass. Castle has obviously given her a heads up. "To friends," she announces, and everyone raises their glasses.

Kate slices into her burger, suddenly starving, and reaches for the ketchup. "So, Beckett, this is how the other half lives, huh?" Kate smiles at Ryan's gentle ribbing, and laughs as she sees Jenny gently nudge him.

"Staying here has been pretty great," she agrees, after taking a bite of a piece of her meal.

"How are you feeling about going back to work?" Jenny asks, pushing the pasta salad that Alexis made onto her fork.

Kate nods. "Okay. I think. But a little nervous. This new Captain- how is she?"

Ryan makes a face. "Iron Gates? She's as by the book as they come. She cut her teeth as a detective in Internal Affairs."

"That's not going to win her any popularity points," Kate agrees. Is the Captain really all that bad?

"Doubt she's going to want your boy hanging around," Esposito adds, giving her the thumbs down, and Kate winces. She needs Castle. Surely it won't take much to prove to this new Captain that he's an asset to the team?

"Don't worry, Beckett," Castle speaks up from the other end of the table. "I still have the mayor on speed dial if we need him to pull a few strings for us."

She nods, hoping it won't come to that. "And how's the investigation going?" she asks, and everyone falls silent. "Guys," she says. "Come on. I'm allowed to ask."

"Yeah," says Ryan. "But until now you haven't. We kind of figured you didn't want to know."

"I didn't," Kate admits. "I didn't want to think about it." She knows Castle's asked the guys for updates, and she's deliberately ignored him when he's been on the phone with either of them. "I had other things on my mind," she says.

"I just bet you did," teases Lanie, and she looks up and catches her friend's eye, glad for the levity the comment brought even if she has to feign annoyance before turning back to the meal before her.

* * *

"How _are_ you feeling about going back to work?" Castle asks her later when they're alone in the kitchen, beginning the clean up. Everyone else is still outside, and Kate's glad for a moment to themselves.

She makes a face as she stacks the plates into the dishwasher, and considers. "I'm not sure. I'm kind of scared of the summer ending," she says. "What we've had, here- what if we can't make it work when we're back in the city? What if the new Captain really doesn't let you stay? What if-"

"Kate." Castle cuts her off, reaching for her and stroking her arm. "Maybe we won't get to work together… maybe we'll implode... Or maybe we'll continue to be amazing."

"Maybe," she agrees unwillingly, and he folds her into a hug.

Kate relaxes into him, looking up to press her mouth against his. She'd intended it to be a light kiss, before getting back to their friends outside, but she finds herself deepening it, teasing her tongue between his lips and running her hands along his arms, and then down his back, pulling Castle closer to her.

They're interrupted when Alexis clears her throat, and Kate has a second to be glad it's just Alexis before she looks up.

"We- uh- it was getting cold outside, and I think everyone is getting ready to call it a night," Alexis offers apologetically, standing in front of everyone, and then Esposito finds his voice.

"If you can't do a better job of hiding your relationship than that, Castle's never gonna be allowed back at the precinct."

Kate rolls her eyes, and Martha chimes in. "Room full of detectives, Katherine and Richard, what did I say."

Castle grimaces at his mother and Lanie turns to Alexis. "You _knew_!" she exclaims, and Alexis blushes.

"Uh- yeah. I was sworn to secrecy," she concedes.

"Which obviously means nothing to you," grumbles Castle, "since you let everyone come in without checking whether or not the coast was clear."

Alexis shakes her head disparagingly. "Trust me, walking in on the two of you for the hundredth time this summer wasn't high on my to do list."

Kate blushes, burying her head in her hands in despair, and Ryan whistles. "Little Castle," he says, evidently impressed.

Martha shrugs, dismissing the situation with a wave of her hand, and heads upstairs. Alexis takes the opportunity to flee as well.

Jenny elbows Ryan, and the two of them leave as well, followed by Esposito and Lanie. "We're _really _going to talk," Lanie promises, and Kate nods. It sounds like a threat, but she can handle Lanie.

Kate and Castle are left standing alone in the kitchen with Jim, who has been smiling as he watches the exchange between his daughter and her friends.

"Javier is right," he says. "Neither of you are very good at hiding your relationship."

Kate shoots Castle a desperate look, but her boyfriend has his own look of terror on his face, and she smirks.

"Sir- I-"

Jim snorts. "Rick. You've been calling me Jim since we met- why don't you just take a moment and calm down."

Kate can't help herself, and she laughs. "Dad- I'm sorry I didn't tell you. We just- wanted to wait. Take it slow."

"Take it slow, huh?" The twinkle in her father's eye belies his stern look as he continues. "If I didn't know better I'd say the two of you put the rest of us on the other side of the second floor for a reason."

Kate shakes her head, her cheeks flushing pink, and she sees Castle open his mouth and then close it again, thinking better of saying anything.

"Well- I see you two still have your glasses there," Jim says. "So I propose another toast." He fills his own glass with the last of the bottle of sparkling water. "To having the right people on your side," he shoots a smile at Kate, who smiles back and leans into Castle, meeting her father's eyes as she raises her glass again.

* * *

**A/N: Many thanks to Trish for the beta of this chapter, and to Kel and Ky for their help in other chapters. To everyone that's been reading: thank you! I had this idea for ages, and I'm so pleased to have it done... from angst to fluff, in 14 chapters (the alt title?!) Reviews make me ridiculously happy! Hopefully it won't be too long before I have another fic in the works! And last but not least: props to all the ficathon writers! Now to catch up on my reading!**


End file.
